Just A Period:
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something 'exciting' and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class ..... and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and then sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.
"It's a period," he replied.
"I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so 'exciting' about a period?"
"Darned if I know," he said, "but this morning my sister was 'missing' one. Mommy fainted; daddy had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Navy.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Cure For Gastric Problem:
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. I pass gas HUNDREDS of times a day."
He tells the doctor that it's silent and odorless.
Then he says, "Doctor, you won't believe this but I've passed gas ten times while we've been talking."
So the doctor gives him some pills, "Here, take two of these every day and come see me in two weeks."
The guy comes back in one week complaining, "Doctor, what's in these pills? I still have the gas, it's still silent, but now it smells absolutely TERRIBLE!"
The doctor says, "Well that takes care of your sinus problem, now let's work on your hearing."
Just Got His Food:
The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television.
The harried waitress took our order, but more than half an hour passed with no sign of her return.
I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when suddenly, shouts of victory came from the bar.
"Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds as if someone just got his food."
The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television.
The harried waitress took our order, but more than half an hour passed with no sign of her return.
I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when suddenly, shouts of victory came from the bar.
"Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds as if someone just got his food."
Start All Over Again:
Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m., I discovered that it had not been one of my wife's better days. Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.
By 7 p.m., things had not changed, so I suggested I go outside, pretend I had just gotten home, and start all over again. My wife agreed.
I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile, announced, "Honey, I'm home!"
"And just where have you been?" she replied sharply. "It's after seven o'clock!"
Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m., I discovered that it had not been one of my wife's better days. Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.
By 7 p.m., things had not changed, so I suggested I go outside, pretend I had just gotten home, and start all over again. My wife agreed.
I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile, announced, "Honey, I'm home!"
"And just where have you been?" she replied sharply. "It's after seven o'clock!"
The Cause Of Arthritis:
A man who reeked of alcohol flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of rum was sticking out of his ripped jacket pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading.
After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, do you know what causes arthritis?"
The priest, disgusted by the man's appearance and behavior, snapped, "It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man!"
"Well, I'll be," the man muttered and returned to his newspaper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized, "I'm sorry to have come on so strong - I didn't mean it. How long have you been suffering from arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
A man who reeked of alcohol flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of rum was sticking out of his ripped jacket pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading.
After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, do you know what causes arthritis?"
The priest, disgusted by the man's appearance and behavior, snapped, "It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man!"
"Well, I'll be," the man muttered and returned to his newspaper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized, "I'm sorry to have come on so strong - I didn't mean it. How long have you been suffering from arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
Why Fishing Is Better Than Sex? :
#20 - No matter how much whiskey you've had, you can still Fish.
#19 - A limp rod is still useful while Fishing.
#18 - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.
#17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.
#16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything against Fishing.
#15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.
#14 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you Fished with long ago.
#13 - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.
#12 - When you see a really good Fishing person, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.
#11 - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.
#10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.
#9 - When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
#8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy Fishing stuff.
#7 - You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for Fishing harassment.
#6 - There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.
#5 - If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.
#4 - Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.
#3 - Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.
#2 - You don't have to be a newly wed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favorite activity.
And of all the reasons...
#1 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?"
Friday, May 11, 2007
Cause You're Blonde:
A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy", she yelled, "we were counting today and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10".
"See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good", said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy" ?
"Yes, it's because you're blonde", her mother replied.
The next day, the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy, " she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G".
"See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good", said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy"?
"Yes pumpkin, it's because you're blonde".
The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy", she yelled, "we were in gym class today and when we showering, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good" , said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy" ?
"No, it's because you're 25."
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