"Look What Computers Have Done To Us" Part II:

NASA Findings:




When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.

To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Truly A Kind Man:


A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

Just To Make Sure:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line.

He says: “OK, now what?"

Sherlock Holmes And Dr. Watson:



Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

18:54 Vs 54:18 Ratio:

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

“Dear Wife:

You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I’ll be home before midnight.

–Your Husband”

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

“Dear Husband:

You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don’t wait up.

— Your Wife."

Top 10 Most Stupid Questions In Obvious Situations:

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends…

Stupid Question: Hey, what are you doing here?

Answer: Don’t you know, I sell tickets in black over here…


2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet…

Stupid Question: Sorry, did that hurt?

Answer: No, not at all, I’m on local anesthesia…..why don’t you try again.


3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people asks…

Stupid Question: Why, why him, of all people.

Answer: Why? Would it rather have been you?


4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter...

Stupid Question: Is this dish good?

Answer: No, it’s terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit in it.


5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...

Stupid Question: God!!! you’ve become so big.

Answer: Well you haven’t particularly shrunk yourself.


6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask…

Stupid Question: Is the guy you’re marrying good?

Answer: No, he’s a miserable wife-beating insensitive lout…it’s just the money.


7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call…

Stupid Question: Sorry. were you sleeping?

Answer: No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping…. You dumb witted moron.


8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair…

Stupid Question: Hey have you had a haircut?

Answer: No, its autumn and I’m shedding...


9. At the dentist when he’s sticking pointed objects in your mouth…

Stupid Question: Tell me if it hurts?

Answer: No it wont. It will just bleed.


10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your office asks…

Stupid Question: Oh, so you smoke.

Answer: Gosh, it’s a miracle …………it was a piece of chalk and now it’s in flames!!!

Preacher's Ass:



A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!

The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER’S ASS SHOWS.

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.

The paper read: PREACHER’S ASS OUT IN FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.

The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER’S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.

The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go.

Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

George Of The Bush:

George Bush was frantically searching high and low, all over the living room.

Laura worriedly asks, “What’s wrong hon! Have you lost something?”

George Bush: “Nope, I am looking for Hidden Cams!”

Laura Responds, “And what makes you think there are hidden cameras here?”

George Bush: “Or else, every few minutes, how is that guy in the television saying... “You are watching CNN… How the hell he knows what I am watching?”

The Hunter Theory :

A 90 years old Man goes to a Doctor, “My wife is 19 years old and she is pregnant, what would be your opinion?”

The Doc replies, “Let me tell you a story. A hunter in a hurry took an umbrella instead of his gun. He sees the lion and points the umbrella at the beast... “Bang!” “Bang!” and the lion drops dead.

To which the man says, “That’s impossible, someone else must have shot the lion.”

Doctor, “Exactly! Now you understand.”

Signs You Don't See Everyday:

Is There A Way?:


A man to a doctor, "Is there any way for a long life?"

The Doc Replies, "Get married."

"Will it help?", asks the man.

Doctor, "No, but the thought of long life will never come to your mind again."


Posted by - Prabir Sarkar

Away From Home:

This guy approaches the Madam of a local whorehouse and says, “Madam, I’m ready to spend top dollar here, but I have some very specific requirements. Do you think you can meet them?”

To which the Madam replies, “Sir, you have come to the finest brothel in the area. Our Ladies are extremely skilled in pleasing a man in every way! Simply name your pleasure.”

“Great!” he says, “Now here’s what I want. I want a woman that doesn’t moan, or groan, or thrash around or even move at all. In fact, I want her to simply lie there like a cold, hard piece of wood.”

“Well!” she says, “I must say that is a very unusual request, but I simply don’t understand. We have the finest, most desirable and exciting women in the world here. Why would you make such a request?”

To which he replies, “Well, I’m a traveling salesman that’s been on the road for a while, but I’m not really horny, I’m just homesick!”

Look What Computers Have Done To Us:

How Old Am I:

A woman decides to have a face-lift, for her birthday. She spends $5000, and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news-stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”

“About 32,” is the reply.

“Nope! I’m exactly 47,” the woman says happily.

A little while later, she goes into McDonald’s, and asks the counter girl, the very same question.

The girl replies, “I guess about 29.”

The woman replies, “Nope, I’m 47.”

Now she’s feeling really good, about herself. She stops in a drugstore, on her way down the street. She! goes up to the counter, to get some mints, and asks the clerk, this burning question.

The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say 30.”

Again she proudly responds, “I am 47, but thank you.”

While waiting, for the bus to go home, she asks an old man, waiting next to her, the same question.

He replies, “Lady, I’m 78, and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way, to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you, to let me, put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”

They wait in silence on the empty street, until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, “What the heck, go ahead.”

He slips both of his hands, under her blouse, and under her bra, and begins to feel around, very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast. He gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together, and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, “Okay, okay, how old am I?”

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands and says, “Madam, you are 47.”

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?”

The old man replies, “Promise you won’t get mad?”

“I promise I won’t.” she says.
-
-
-
-
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He replies, “I was behind you in line at McDonald’s.”

Hot Dogs:

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that
the people of this country actually eat dogs.”

“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the
Americans do.”

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk
towards the cart. “Two dogs, please,” says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps
both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.

Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their ‘dogs’.

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for
a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, “What part did you get?”

Animal Crackers II:

And What Did Sniffer Dog Just Find:

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador retriever between them. The first man asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a sniffing dog. “His name is Sniffer, and he’s the best there is,” he said. “I’ll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.”

The plane took off, and once it had leveled out, the agent said, “Watch this.” He told Sniffer to “search.” Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent’s arm.

The agent said, “Good boy.” He turned to the other man and said, “That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of her seat number. The authorities will apprehend her when we land.”

“Say, that’s pretty neat,” replied the first man.

Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat and placed two paws on the agent’s arm. The agent said, “That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.”

The agent then told Sniffer to search again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent. He jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place. The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn’t figure out why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asked the agent, “What’s going on?”

The agent nervously replied, “He just found a bomb!”

Tattoo Of The Year:

Atleast They Got Something To Eat:

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the banks internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding.

The process continued until all the safes were opened. They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The next day newspaper headline read: IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.

Posted by - Susheel Bist

Out Of Office Auto-Replies You'd Never Wish To Get:

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood I mean wish not to get any reply.

2. I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

3. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

4. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to managerial designation.

5. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

6. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

7. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

8. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately after 19 months.

9. Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message. I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.

10. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

11. Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.

12. I've run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE :

13. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.

Posted by - Sai Kumar Mantrala

That's My Son Alright:

Four School friends meet at their School Reunion. One of the friends goes to the restroom and the others start to talk about their sons…

The first Guy Says," You know my son? I’m so proud of him ’cause he is so successful. He became so rich that he gave one of his best friends a 2-million dollar Mansion for free!"

The second guy says," Really? My son’s made me proud too. He’s become so rich from acting and gave his closest friend 2 free Hummer H2’s."

The third guy pitches in," Even my son got rich. He won the 8 million-dollar Lotto and he bought his friend a private yacht and jet."

The fourth high school guy comes back from the restroom and overhears them talking about their sons. So he began to tell them about his son.

Feeling a little ashamed he says," Yeah, well, my son hasn’t been as successful like your sons have. He’s gay and works at a gay stripping joint for a living."

Others Add," What a shame."

The Fourth Guy continues," No, not really. He lives in a 2-million dollar mansion, owns his own jet and yacht, and owns 2 Hummer H2’s which were all given to him by 3 of his Ex-boyfriends."

Going to Jesus:

Young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven.

They buried the chicken and that was that. Two weeks later his dad came home from work and David ran up to him yelling, “Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today.”

“What?” his father replied.

“When I got home from school, Mommy was laying on the bed with her legs pointing up in the air yelling, ‘Jesus, I’m coming, Jesus I’m coming.’ If it wasn’t for Uncle Terry holding her down we would have lost her for sure!”

Three English Men:

Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One guy said he was going to bug him. He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. ‘Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a sissy.’

‘Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.’

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. ‘I told him St. Patrick was a sissy and he didn’t care!’

‘You just don’t know how to set him off, watch and learn.’ The second English man walked over and tapped the Irish man on the shoulder. ‘I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!’

‘Oh, wow, I didn’t know that, thank you.’

Shocked beyond belief, the English man went back to his buddies. ‘Your right, he is unshakable!’
The third English man said: ‘No, no, no, I will really big him, you just watch.’

The English man walked over to the Irish man, tapped him on the shoulder and said… ‘I hear your St. Patrick was an English man!’

‘Yeah, that’s what your buddies were trying to tell me.’

No Matter How Hard We Tried:



An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."



The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"


The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."

It Happens Only In India:

A Very Personal Friend:

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher asks her students,“ If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family, and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?”

Mike replies,“ Wait a minute; I’m going for a pee.”

The teacher says,“ That would be very rude and improper on your part.”

Charlie replies,“ I’m sorry I need to go to the toilet, I’ll be back in a minute.”

The teacher says,“ That’s much better but to mention the word ‘’toilet'’ during a meal, is unpleasant.”

Then Billy responds,“ My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom I hope, to be able to introduce to you after dinner”.

The teacher passed out.

Who Am I:

An award should go to the gate attendant at Luqa airport. A crowded Malta-London flight was cancelled. She was the lone attendant in charge of re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS”.

The attendant replied, “I’m sorry sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these people first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.”

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?”

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:

May I have your attention please? May I have your attention please?” she began. With her voice being heard clearly throughout the terminal, she said, “We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14.”

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the attendant, gritted his teeth and said, “F*** You!”

Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to get in line for that too.”

Coming Soon !!! At a Theatre Near You:

Releasing Worldwide on June 30th:


The much awaited sequel of Basic Instinct - "Momma didn't say a damn thing about this":


A heart-warming tale of a hobbit in search of his PRECIOUS:

From the Director of Panic Room with the makers of Finding Nemo:

Don't miss the action this weekend:

My Dog "Sex":

Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy, I call mine Sex. Now Sex has been embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 years old!!" He said, "You must have been quite a kid".

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night!" Then the clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking around. I told him that I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand" I said, "I had planned to have Sex on T.V." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married!!" The Judge said, "Me too". Then I told him that after I was married that Sex had left me. He said "Me too". Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 O'clock in the morning. I said looking for Sex.

My case comes up Monday...

CASE DISMISS:

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her third move, he burst out laughing.

She had him arrested. Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner.

His reply was:

When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement, which read:

'Coming Soon: 'The Gold Dust Twins'.

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read:

'William's Stick Did The Trick'.

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read:

'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'

And the case was dismissed !!!

Gift To Mom:

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

Animal Crackers:

The Godfather:

The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The accountant doesn't answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well, ask him where the @#!* money is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the @#!* money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"

The accountant signs back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well, what did he say?"

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

He Knows You:

An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.

"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the officer said.

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

"He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.

The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?"

The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman then gave the officer her license.

"I see you are from Arkansas," the patrolman said. "I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest, meanest, woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"

Our Custom:

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!"

And Your Name Is:

A blonde went for a job interview.

The interviewer starts with the basics, "So, can you tell us your age, please?"

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying, “Um ... 22".

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice,”And can you tell us your height, please?"

The blonde stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag; then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head, checks the measurement and announces, "156 CM".

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something that she won't have to count, measure, or lookup, “Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen seconds murmuring something to herself, before replying, "Christina" .

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "What were you doing when I asked you your name?"

"Oh, that!" replies the blonde," I was just running through that song, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...Happy Birthday dear Christina...happy birthday to you...'."

Caution "Overdose":

A woman went to a Doctor," My husband is never interested in sex".

Doctor," Take these pills, give him one a day".

After going back to home she puts one pill in her husband's tea and that night they had wonderful time together.

Next day, exicted about the last night, the woman adds two pills to her husband's tea and they enjoyed much more this time.

The following day she becomes a bit too experimental and pours the entire bottle of pills in his tea.

After a few days the doctor decides to call her up to check the progress, after some rings the woman's son picks up the phone.

Doctor asks,"Is your mom home, son".

Son Replies," Mom's dead, aunt is in hospital, maid's pregnant, my ass hurts and dad is running naked in the garden yelling... tommy...tommy !!!".

Why Should Shadows Have All The Fun:

An Irish Toast:

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

Mary said: "Oh that is very nice indeed, John!"

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Blonde Detectives:

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his side profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

He quickly adds"... think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect doesin fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

Important Laws of Science Which are not Taught in School:

Lorenzo's Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Kovac's Conundrum: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone.

Cannon's Karmic Law: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

O'brien's Variation Law: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Bell's Theorem: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Ruby's Principle Of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Willoughby's Law: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Zadra's Law Of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Breda's Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Owen's Law: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold

When We Get Old:

To All Employees - Sick Leave Policy:

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

SUBJECT: SICK LEAVE POLICY

SICKNESS: No excuse...We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

AN OPERATION: We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.

DEATH:
Other than your own:This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.

Your own:This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.

ALSO:Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00-8:15, and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again.

We appreciate your cooperation,

THE MANAGEMENT

Prayers Being Answered:

A lady approaches a priest and tells him,"Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?", the priest asked.

They only know to say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."

"Thank you." said the lady.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say,

"Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?"

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, "PUT THE BIBLES AWAY! OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED."