Britney Spears
Gwen Stefani
Madonna
J Lo
Pamela Anderson
Liv Tyler
Jennifer Garner
Cameron Diaz
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Six Best Women Drivers in the World:
After a rigorous competition from women all over the world we have the results of the best women drivers:
Award for the Sixth Best Women Driver goes too
After a rigorous competition from women all over the world we have the results of the best women drivers:
Award for the Sixth Best Women Driver goes too
Fifth Best
Fourth Best
Third Best
And the Runner Up is
And the Winner with Unanimous Decision is
That's all for now fellas...
Attention All Men:
Do women call you Fatty ?
Do women call you Baldy?
Do women call you Ugly?
Do women call you Shortie?
Do women call you Stupid?
Do women call you Loser?
Are you over 30, 40, 50, 60, or even 70?
Worst of all, have the women completely lost interest in you?
Do not despair.
Now there is a new "Male Beauty Product" on the market that will change all of that!
Blonde to Melbourne:
A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "You say she's blonde?, I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, I speak blonde!" He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear.
She says "Oh, I'm sorry," gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne."
A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "You say she's blonde?, I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, I speak blonde!" He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear.
She says "Oh, I'm sorry," gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne."
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Free Beer Challenge:
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.
Bartender replies, "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."
The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there."
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"
He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.
The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.
"Now", he says, "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.
Bartender replies, "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."
The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there."
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"
He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.
The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.
"Now", he says, "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
I Figured That:
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Dear Diary:
HER DIARY :
Sunday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a cafe to have some coffee. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too." When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV; he seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster!!!!!!
HIS DIARY :
Today India lost the cricket match. DAMN IT !!!!!!
Posted By - Deepthi B.
HER DIARY :
Sunday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a cafe to have some coffee. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too." When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV; he seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster!!!!!!
HIS DIARY :
Today India lost the cricket match. DAMN IT !!!!!!
Posted By - Deepthi B.
Don't Mess with a Woman, But they would Mess with You Anyways:
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. It's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle... My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No, I think I'll just wait for the police..."
Posted By - Susheel Bist
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. It's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle... My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No, I think I'll just wait for the police..."
Posted By - Susheel Bist
There Are Worst Things In Life:
A mother enters her daughters bedroom and sees a letter over her bed, with the worst premonition, she reads it with trembling hands:
Dear Mom,
I know you would have been back from prayer meeting as you are reading this. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm tellin' you that I've eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But it's not only that Mom..........I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams too.
I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt and we'll be growing it for us and for his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstacy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find cure for AIDS, so that Ahmed can get better.... He deserves it.
Dont worry mom, I'm 15 yrs old now and I know how to takecare of myself. Someday I'll visit, for you to know your grandchildren.
Your daughter,
Tosan.
P.S.
Mom, it's not true! I'm at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the school's report card that's in my desk's drawer.
Love you.
A mother enters her daughters bedroom and sees a letter over her bed, with the worst premonition, she reads it with trembling hands:
Dear Mom,
I know you would have been back from prayer meeting as you are reading this. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm tellin' you that I've eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But it's not only that Mom..........I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams too.
I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt and we'll be growing it for us and for his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstacy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find cure for AIDS, so that Ahmed can get better.... He deserves it.
Dont worry mom, I'm 15 yrs old now and I know how to takecare of myself. Someday I'll visit, for you to know your grandchildren.
Your daughter,
Tosan.
P.S.
Mom, it's not true! I'm at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the school's report card that's in my desk's drawer.
Love you.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Realistically And Hypothetically:
A little boy came home from school and his homework assignment was to find out what the difference was between hypothetically and realistically... so he asked his dad.
His dad said, "Well, go ask your mom if she would sleep with the mail man for $1,000,000.
He went and asked and came back and said, "She said yes".
"Well", said the dad, "Go ask your sister the same question."
He did and came back and said, "She said yes."
And the dad said, "Now go ask your brother the same thing."
He did and came back and said, "He said yes too!"
And the dad said, "Well hypothetically we're sitting on three million dollars, realistically we're living with 2 whores and a fag!"
A little boy came home from school and his homework assignment was to find out what the difference was between hypothetically and realistically... so he asked his dad.
His dad said, "Well, go ask your mom if she would sleep with the mail man for $1,000,000.
He went and asked and came back and said, "She said yes".
"Well", said the dad, "Go ask your sister the same question."
He did and came back and said, "She said yes."
And the dad said, "Now go ask your brother the same thing."
He did and came back and said, "He said yes too!"
And the dad said, "Well hypothetically we're sitting on three million dollars, realistically we're living with 2 whores and a fag!"
Learning How To Add:
A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
Friday, August 18, 2006
The Perfect Husband:
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cell phone rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $50 thousand...It really is a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....
He smiles and asks:"Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cell phone rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $50 thousand...It really is a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....
He smiles and asks:"Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Thursday, August 17, 2006
All I Remember Is:
An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes".
The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was!
"Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..."
After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail he got on the telephone and gave her a call.
Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal.
"Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."
An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes".
The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was!
"Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..."
After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail he got on the telephone and gave her a call.
Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal.
"Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."
This Seat Is Taken:
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."
Need To Have A Good Excuse:
A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Irishman's Ordeal:
An Irishman was drinking at the pub all night. The bartender came up to him and told him that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face.
He tried to stand up one more time with the same result. So he figured he'd just crawl outside, hang out for a while, get some fresh air and hopefully that would sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell again right on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrived at the door he tried one more time with the same results.
Exhausted, he then gave up and started crawling to the bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright but he quickly fell right into the bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
The next morning, he woke up with his wife standing over him shouting at him."So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" He asked as he put on an innocent look.
"The pub called, you left your wheel-chair there again."
An Irishman was drinking at the pub all night. The bartender came up to him and told him that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face.
He tried to stand up one more time with the same result. So he figured he'd just crawl outside, hang out for a while, get some fresh air and hopefully that would sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell again right on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrived at the door he tried one more time with the same results.
Exhausted, he then gave up and started crawling to the bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright but he quickly fell right into the bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
The next morning, he woke up with his wife standing over him shouting at him."So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" He asked as he put on an innocent look.
"The pub called, you left your wheel-chair there again."
Is It Ok? :
A young engaged couple were getting some prenuptial counseling from their Rabbi.
After about 8 or 10 questions were asked, and the answers all explained to the couple, there came a unique situation.
The guy asked, "Is it okay to have sex before the wedding?"
The Rabbi replied, "Not if it delays the ceremony."
A young engaged couple were getting some prenuptial counseling from their Rabbi.
After about 8 or 10 questions were asked, and the answers all explained to the couple, there came a unique situation.
The guy asked, "Is it okay to have sex before the wedding?"
The Rabbi replied, "Not if it delays the ceremony."
Study Of Balls:
After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation Announced the following results on corporate America's Recreation preferences.
1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is:
Basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is:
Bowling.
3. The sport of choice for front line workers is:
Football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is:
Tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is:
Golf.
Conclusion: "The higher you are in the corporate structure, The smaller your balls become."
After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation Announced the following results on corporate America's Recreation preferences.
1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is:
Basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is:
Bowling.
3. The sport of choice for front line workers is:
Football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is:
Tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is:
Golf.
Conclusion: "The higher you are in the corporate structure, The smaller your balls become."
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Clean It Or Eat It:
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man.
"If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"&&** off!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she tried to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse poop all over her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse poop from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a mighty good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man.
"If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"&&** off!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she tried to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse poop all over her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse poop from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a mighty good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."
Monday, July 31, 2006
"Worm" In The Hole:
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.
He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that Hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the Worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The Grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.
He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that Hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the Worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The Grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
Gimme A Push:
A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud Pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a Drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning! He Slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out There!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, About three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding Rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes"comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud Pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a Drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning! He Slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out There!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, About three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding Rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes"comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
Friday, July 28, 2006
Marketing Concepts Made Easy:
A Professor at one of the IIM's (INDIA) was explaining marketing concepts to
the Students:-
1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing
2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: "He's very rich. Marry him." - That's Advertising
3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me." - That's Telemarketing
4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car) for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say:
"By the way, I'm rich. Will you marry me?" - That's Public Relations
5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and
says: "You are very rich! Can you marry ! me?" - That's Brand Recognition
6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say:
I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. - That's Customer Feedback
7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say:
"I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband. - That's Demand and Supply Gap
8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before
you say anything, another person come and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you
marry me?" and she goes with him - That's competition eating into your
market share
9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before
you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your wife arrives. - That's restriction for entering new markets
Posted by - Swekha Menon
A Professor at one of the IIM's (INDIA) was explaining marketing concepts to
the Students:-
1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing
2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: "He's very rich. Marry him." - That's Advertising
3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me." - That's Telemarketing
4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car) for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say:
"By the way, I'm rich. Will you marry me?" - That's Public Relations
5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and
says: "You are very rich! Can you marry ! me?" - That's Brand Recognition
6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say:
I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. - That's Customer Feedback
7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say:
"I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband. - That's Demand and Supply Gap
8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before
you say anything, another person come and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you
marry me?" and she goes with him - That's competition eating into your
market share
9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before
you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your wife arrives. - That's restriction for entering new markets
Posted by - Swekha Menon
Please Enter Your Password:
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife’s attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed….
P
E
N
I
S
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
-
-
-
-
-
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife’s attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed….
P
E
N
I
S
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
-
-
-
-
-
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
Will You Do It For A Girl Or A Million Dollars? :
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.
One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.
The millionaire was impressed.
He said, "That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"
The guy catches his breath, then says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the bastard who pushed me in the pool!"
What Would You Do? :
A new recruit police officer had almost finished his interview, and the interviewer asked him the last question which was:
"You are on duty. A car crashes in the middle of the road with two people inside the car, the two people are critically injured and the car is badly damaged.
The ambulance arrives, but it is going too fast and crashes into the damaged car. The car blows up and causes the ambulance to flip on its side.
A passer-by, while walking on the sidewalk is toppled, by the force of the explosion, into the river beside the road. Unfortunately he cannot swim and is drowning in the river.
Another man runs out of a house screaming, and shouts that his wife is pregnant and about to have her baby any second now."
"What would you do in this situation?", the interviewer asked.
The recruit looks around the office and thinks for a while...
He replies, "I'd take off my uniform and act like I am part of the crowd!"
A new recruit police officer had almost finished his interview, and the interviewer asked him the last question which was:"You are on duty. A car crashes in the middle of the road with two people inside the car, the two people are critically injured and the car is badly damaged.
The ambulance arrives, but it is going too fast and crashes into the damaged car. The car blows up and causes the ambulance to flip on its side.
A passer-by, while walking on the sidewalk is toppled, by the force of the explosion, into the river beside the road. Unfortunately he cannot swim and is drowning in the river.
Another man runs out of a house screaming, and shouts that his wife is pregnant and about to have her baby any second now."
"What would you do in this situation?", the interviewer asked.
The recruit looks around the office and thinks for a while...
He replies, "I'd take off my uniform and act like I am part of the crowd!"
Lakers Fan:
A Kindergarten teacher tells her class she's a BIG Lakers fan. She's really excited about it and asks the kids if they're Lakers fans too.
Everyone wants to impress the teacher and says they're Lakers fans too, except ONE kid, ...named Josh.
The teacher looks at Josh and says, "Josh, you're not a Lakers fan?"
He says, "Nope, Im a Sacrmento Kings fan!" She says, "Well why are you a Sacrmento Kings fan and not a Lakers fan?"
Josh says, "Well, my mom is a Sacrmento Kings fan, and my dad is a Sacrmento Kings fan, so I'm a Sacrmento Kings fan."
The teacher's not real happy. She's a little hot under the collar. She says, "Well, if your moms an idiot, and your dads a moron, then what would you be?!"
Josh says, "Then I'd be a Laker fan!"
A Kindergarten teacher tells her class she's a BIG Lakers fan. She's really excited about it and asks the kids if they're Lakers fans too.
Everyone wants to impress the teacher and says they're Lakers fans too, except ONE kid, ...named Josh.
The teacher looks at Josh and says, "Josh, you're not a Lakers fan?"
He says, "Nope, Im a Sacrmento Kings fan!" She says, "Well why are you a Sacrmento Kings fan and not a Lakers fan?"
Josh says, "Well, my mom is a Sacrmento Kings fan, and my dad is a Sacrmento Kings fan, so I'm a Sacrmento Kings fan."
The teacher's not real happy. She's a little hot under the collar. She says, "Well, if your moms an idiot, and your dads a moron, then what would you be?!"
Josh says, "Then I'd be a Laker fan!"
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Scared The Hell Outta Me:
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
I'm Gonna Get Lucky:
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the night"."We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree.He begins the prayer, but continues praying with his head down for several minutes after everyone starts eating.
The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father was a pharmacist."
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the night"."We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree.He begins the prayer, but continues praying with his head down for several minutes after everyone starts eating.
The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father was a pharmacist."
While Cleaning Father's Room:
Three nuns were talking one sunny day in June.
The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked."Well, of course I threw them in the trash," she replied.
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"
"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.
The third nun fainted.
Three nuns were talking one sunny day in June.
The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked."Well, of course I threw them in the trash," she replied.
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"
"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.
The third nun fainted.
Help With The Report:
The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
"Need some help?" a secretary, walking by, asked.
"Yes," he replied, "how does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.
"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"
The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
"Need some help?" a secretary, walking by, asked.
"Yes," he replied, "how does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.
"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Who Died The Worst Death:
It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."
First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon to check to see if I could catch her in the act.
When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there.
The last place I looked was out on the balcony. I found the jerk hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall.
So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the idiot.
He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed on top of the guy and killed him.
Then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."
St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.
Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge.
Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this maniac came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands.
I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp!
I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."
St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.
Third man: "Picture this, you're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."
It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."
First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon to check to see if I could catch her in the act.
When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there.
The last place I looked was out on the balcony. I found the jerk hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall.
So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the idiot.
He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed on top of the guy and killed him.
Then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."
St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.
Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge.
Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this maniac came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands.
I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp!
I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."
St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.
Third man: "Picture this, you're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."
Where's The Lion ? :
A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast.
For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion.
In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain.
There was no sign of the lion."What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion?" asked the chief.
"Forget the damn lion!" he howled. "Which one of you idiots let the bull loose?"
A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast.For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion.
In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain.
There was no sign of the lion."What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion?" asked the chief.
"Forget the damn lion!" he howled. "Which one of you idiots let the bull loose?"
You Know You Are Living In 2006 When ...:
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of four.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work, you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for five different companies.
10. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
11. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
12. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
13. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
14. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
15. You start tilting your head sideways to smile... :)
16. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
17. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
18. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
19. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING @ YOURSELF.
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of four.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work, you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for five different companies.
10. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
11. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
12. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
13. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
14. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
15. You start tilting your head sideways to smile... :)
16. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
17. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
18. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
19. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING @ YOURSELF.
Peep And You'd Turn Into Stone:
One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long.
The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend.
Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away.
The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."
One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long.
The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend.
Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away.
The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."
Monday, July 24, 2006
Texan's Challenge:
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
Married Three Times:
"I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull."
"That's a shame." said his friend, "How did it happen?"
"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms!"
"I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull."
"That's a shame." said his friend, "How did it happen?"
"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms!"
Sunday, July 23, 2006
In For A Close Shave:
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
Eve Must Have Said That:
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary, and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior," but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue, and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary, and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pencil.
This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
Friday, July 21, 2006
God's Work Has Improved:
A little girl climbed into her grandfather's lap and studied his white, balding head. She ran her fingers along the deep wrinkles and road mapped his face and neck.
"Did god make you?” she asked.
"Yes" he answered.
"Did god make me, to?" she wondered.
"Yes", he replied.
A little girl climbed into her grandfather's lap and studied his white, balding head. She ran her fingers along the deep wrinkles and road mapped his face and neck.
"Did god make you?” she asked.
"Yes" he answered.
"Did god make me, to?" she wondered.
"Yes", he replied.
"Well”, she shrugged, "Don't you think he's doing a better job now than he used to?"
Last Name Only:
A manager (a lady) of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into her office.
"What's your name?" was the first thing she asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
She scowled, "Look!!! I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked in before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ...that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we have got that straight, what's your last name?"
The new guy sighed, "Darling... My name is John Darling."
After a few moments the manager broke the silence:
"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "
A manager (a lady) of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into her office.
"What's your name?" was the first thing she asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
She scowled, "Look!!! I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked in before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ...that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we have got that straight, what's your last name?"
The new guy sighed, "Darling... My name is John Darling."
After a few moments the manager broke the silence:
"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "
Thursday, July 20, 2006
A Kiss On Your Cheek:
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before!
All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before!
All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
Rest In Peace:
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace".
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said:
"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,
"Congratulations on your new location."
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace".
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said:
"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,
"Congratulations on your new location."
You Said It Yourself:
Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office.
"What is the meaning of this?" the director asked.
"When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."
"Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."
Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office.
"What is the meaning of this?" the director asked.
"When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."
"Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Almost Caught:
These two construction workers always noticed that their boss always left early on Fridays. So one asked the other that if the boss left early next Friday if he would want to also. The other man agreed.
Sure enough, when Friday came, the boss left early. Therefore, the two men left also. The one offered the other to join him down at the bar, but he decided to just head on home.
When he arrived home, he heard a noise from up stairs. When he reached the top of the stairs, he noticed that the noise was coming from the bedroom. He opened the door and saw his boss sleeping with his wife, so he quietly closed the door and headed back down the stairs and out the front door.
He made his way down to the bar to see if his friend was still there and he was.
His friend asked, "I thought you were headed home?"
The man replied, "I did, but this is the last time I ever leave work early again."
His friend asked, "Why's that?"
The man replied, "I almost got caught by the boss."
These two construction workers always noticed that their boss always left early on Fridays. So one asked the other that if the boss left early next Friday if he would want to also. The other man agreed.
Sure enough, when Friday came, the boss left early. Therefore, the two men left also. The one offered the other to join him down at the bar, but he decided to just head on home.
When he arrived home, he heard a noise from up stairs. When he reached the top of the stairs, he noticed that the noise was coming from the bedroom. He opened the door and saw his boss sleeping with his wife, so he quietly closed the door and headed back down the stairs and out the front door.
He made his way down to the bar to see if his friend was still there and he was.
His friend asked, "I thought you were headed home?"
The man replied, "I did, but this is the last time I ever leave work early again."
His friend asked, "Why's that?"
The man replied, "I almost got caught by the boss."
Frog Jump Analysis:
A biologist was interested in studying how far bullfrogs can jump. He brought a bullfrog into his laboratory, set it down, and commanded, "Jump, frog, jump!"
The frog jumped across the room.
The biologist measured the distance, then noted in his journal, "Frog with four legs jumped eight feet."
Then he cut the frog's front legs off. Again he ordered, "Jump, frog, jump!"The frog struggled a moment, then jumped a few feet.After measuring the distance, the biologist noted in his journal, "Frog with two legs jumped three feet."
Next, the biologist cut off the frog's back legs. Once more, he shouted, "Jump, frog, jump!"
The frog just lay there.
"Jump, frog, jump!" the biologist repeated.
Nothing.The biologist noted in his journal, "Frog with no legs - lost its hearing."
A biologist was interested in studying how far bullfrogs can jump. He brought a bullfrog into his laboratory, set it down, and commanded, "Jump, frog, jump!"
The frog jumped across the room.
The biologist measured the distance, then noted in his journal, "Frog with four legs jumped eight feet."
Then he cut the frog's front legs off. Again he ordered, "Jump, frog, jump!"The frog struggled a moment, then jumped a few feet.After measuring the distance, the biologist noted in his journal, "Frog with two legs jumped three feet."
Next, the biologist cut off the frog's back legs. Once more, he shouted, "Jump, frog, jump!"
The frog just lay there.
"Jump, frog, jump!" the biologist repeated.
Nothing.The biologist noted in his journal, "Frog with no legs - lost its hearing."
How Was I Born?:
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, "How was I born?"
"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish mother, "the stork brought you to us."
"Oh," said the boy, "and how did you and daddy get born?"
"Oh, the stork brought us too."
"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" the boy persisted.
"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the mother, by now starting to squirm a little.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:
"This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, "How was I born?"
"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish mother, "the stork brought you to us."
"Oh," said the boy, "and how did you and daddy get born?"
"Oh, the stork brought us too."
"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" the boy persisted.
"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the mother, by now starting to squirm a little.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:
"This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
The Lord Does It For Me:
An 80 year old man went for his annual check-up and the Doctor said, "Friend, for your age, you're in the best shape I've seen."
The old fella replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. I know for sure that I live a good, clean, spiritual life."
The Doctor asks him, "What makes you say that?"
The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life, the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom lights on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night."
The Doc was concerned, "You mean, when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord himself turns the light on for you?"
"Yep," the old man said, "whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me."
Well, the Doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check-up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape, but I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."
"He What?” She cried.
"He said that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."
"AHA!!" She exclaimed, "So he's the one who's been peeing in the fridge!"
An 80 year old man went for his annual check-up and the Doctor said, "Friend, for your age, you're in the best shape I've seen."
The old fella replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. I know for sure that I live a good, clean, spiritual life."
The Doctor asks him, "What makes you say that?"
The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life, the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom lights on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night."
The Doc was concerned, "You mean, when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord himself turns the light on for you?"
"Yep," the old man said, "whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me."
Well, the Doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check-up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape, but I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."
"He What?” She cried.
"He said that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."
"AHA!!" She exclaimed, "So he's the one who's been peeing in the fridge!"
Monday, July 17, 2006
Better Deal:
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows.
When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:
"Will you promise to obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows.
When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:
"Will you promise to obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
Baby Without Ears:
Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would be grounded for the rest of the month.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes." "Can he see?" asked Little Johnny.
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful. The Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be screwed if he needed glasses!"
Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would be grounded for the rest of the month.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes." "Can he see?" asked Little Johnny.
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful. The Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be screwed if he needed glasses!"
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