Don’t Shoot the Translator:

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example...


1. The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la.

Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "Bite the wax tadpole" or "Female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect.

Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le" which can be loosely translated as "Happiness in the mouth."







2. In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."












3. Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."















4. The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free" got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."








5. When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "It won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.




6. Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "Tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.







7. When Parker Pen marketed a ball point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say 'It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you.'

HOWEVER, THE COMPANY MISTAKENLY THOUGHT THE SPANISH WORD 'EMBARAZAR' MEANT TO MAKE PREGNANT.'

So instead, the ads said that 'It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.'


8. An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."



9. Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken" got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused"




10. Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "Big breasts." In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.








11. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.













12. In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.











13. Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

And Finally...

14. In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to extol the drink's eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities.

Hence, the slogan, "Orange juice. It gets your pecker up."

Shortest Runway:

An airliner is coming into land at an airport obscured by fog. Visibility is practically nil, the ILS system is on the blink, so the pilot has to land on wits alone.

"Flaps, check," he says to the co-pilot, "Landing Gear, check. Altitude, check. Right, we're going in. Hold on."

The plane lands and comes to a screeching, grinding halt; just short of the edge of the runway.

"Holy Cow!" exclaims the pilot, "This must be the shortest runway I've ever landed on!"

The co-pilot looks left and right and says "Yeah, and about the widest, too..."

Outrun The Bear:

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.

The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.

The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear."

"I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

I Owe You:

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money.

They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash.

Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill.

"Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.

What Would Relax Me:

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.

Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob."

All the passengers hear it.

As a stewardess immediately begins to run towards the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says, "Don’t forget the coffee!"

Bet On The President:

At a White House party, a woman approached Calvin Coolidge, famed for his silence, and said, "Mr. President, I made a bet I can get more than two words out of you."

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He replied: "You lose."

Most Hilarious Cricket Sledges:

Wiki refers to sledging as 'exchanging words with opposition player(s) which can put him(them) off their usual game; it is an attempt to "psych out" an opponent'.

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Cricket is a very interesting game, and sledging adds to it the extra spice that make it much more than just game.

Here is a compilation of the best sledging related incidents, witnessed in the history of cricket...

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History

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Sledging has always been a part of cricket. Even the great WG Grace did it. Once in an exhibition match given

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out leg-before, he refused to walk and told the umpire: " They came to watch me bat, not you bowl ". And the innings continued.

Grace's ability to stand his ground would have done Sunil Gavaskar proud. Once, when the ball knocked off a bail, he replaced it and told the umpire: " Twas the wind which took thy bail orf, good sir ."

The umpire replied: "Indeed, doctor, and let us hope thy wind helps the good doctor on thy journey back to the pavilion ."

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The best WG Grace sledge was on him, though, not from him. Charles Kortright had dismissed him four or five times in a county game - only for the umpires to keep turning down his appeals. Finally, he uprooted two of Grace's three stumps. Grace stalled, as though waiting for a no-ball call or something, before reluctantly walking off with Kortright's words in his ears: " Surely you're not going, doctor? There's still one stump standing."

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The Prasad Vs Sohail Incident : Hero to Zero in 3 easy steps

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Chasing India's score of 287-8, Pakistan got off to a flyer of a start, Amir Sohail and Saeed Anwar went about tearing the Indian bowling attack. Pakistan looked all set to win as they reached 110 odd for the loss of just 1 wicket within the 15 overs.

1. Play a Great Shot: Amir Sohail was completely bent on demolishing the Indian bowling to pieces, charging down the track to the faster bowlers (if u can call Prasad that) in this particular case he came down the ground (a good 4-5 steps, anymore and he would have hit Prasad too) and slashed the bowl over vacant off side area... the ball disappeared into the fence in a flash ... what followed has since been etched in the memories of every cricket fan in the subcontinent.

2. Act Oversmart: Amir Sohail is no Miandad. But he tries to be, and fails miserably. Sohail after hitting the shot pointed his bat the area where the bowl had disappeared and then towards Prasad apparently gesturing where he will send the next one. Its not everyday that you see a batsman sledging the bowler, and Sohail was about to learn just why.

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3. Get what you called for: Sohail attempting to repeat the shot (albeit with his feet stuck to the ground this time) made room and exposed his stumps, and his weakness, and in return lost his wicket and his face.

As the wicket lay uprooted, Prasad returned the favour to Sohail, pointing to the pavilion this time.

The comeback was truly remarkable, almost a miracle .... Prasad has bowled thousands of deliveries and taken hundreds of wickets in his career but, it was this one granted him a place in the History of Indian Cricket .. for ever... the ghost of Miandad's last ball six was exorcised, once and for all.

You can also watch the video of the incident.

Steve Waugh Vs Curtly Ambrose Episode.

It really does not get any bigger than this, the two legends of cricket came face to face, literally and engrossed in a verbal duel in a test match in Trinidad. All the juicy details were not to be known until Steve Waugh came out with his autobiography.

Ambrose repeatedly stared Waugh down during a searing spell, and Waugh, who sized up the towering Ambrose, said: " What the f*ck are you looking at? "

Ambrose was stunned because, as Waugh says (in his Autobiography), "No one had ever been stupid enough" to speak to him like that.

Ambrose Replied, "Don't cuss me man", before Waugh's response, which had nothing to do with bowling.

"Unfortunately, nothing inventive or witty came to mind, rather another piece of personal abuse: 'Why don't you go and get f*cked.' "

The Windies skipper Richie Richardson had a hard time keeping Ambrose from hurting the Aussie.

McGrath Vs Brandes(the Best one till now….)

In a showdown of best pacers of two countries, Brandes made up for his complete absence of batting skills by some displaying some great sense of humor and presence of mind.

Aussie paceman Glenn McGrath was bowling to Zimbabwe number 11 Eddo Brandes - who was unable to get his bat anywhere near the ball. McGrath, frustrated that Brandes was still at the crease, wandered up during one particular over and inquired: " Why are you so fat?"

Quick as a flash, Brandes replied: "Because every time I make love to your wife, she gives me a biscuit."

Even the Aussie slip fielders were in hysterics.

Viv Richards v Greg Thomas

This incident took place during a county championship match between Glamorgan and Somerset.

Glamorgan quickie Greg Thomas had beaten Viv Richards' bat a couple of times and informed the legendary West Indian ace: " It's red, round and weighs about five ounces, in case you were wondering."
The very next ball was given the King Viv treatment and smashed out of the ground, into a river - at which point Richards piped up: " Greg, you know what it looks like. Now go and find it."

Merv Hughes and Viv Richards:

Merv Hughes usually never short of a word while on the field, rarely keeps quite. During a test match in the West Indies Hughes didn't say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after deliveries. " This is my island, my culture. Don't you be staring at me. In my culture we just bowl."

Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the batsman: " In my culture we just say f*ck off. "

Sachin Tendulkar Vs Abdul Qadir

The year was 1989, the little master had recently made his debut in Pakistan.

Sachin not even old enough to get a driving licence Sachin Tendulkar was facing the best bowlers in the business. As the Pakistani crows jeered and mocked Sachin holding out the placards saying "" Dudh Pita Bhachcha ..ghar jaake dhoodh pee", (hey kid, go home and drink milk), Sachin sent the then young leg spinner Mustaq Ahmed hiding for cover (he had hit two sixes in one over. The frustaded mentor of Mustaq Ahmed the legendary Abdul Qadir challenges Sachin saying " Bachchon ko kyon mar rahe ho? Hamein bhi maar dikhao ` (`Why are you hitting kids? Try and hit me.`).

Sachin was silent, since then we all have come to know that he lets his bat do the talking. Abdul Quadir had made a simple request and Sachin obliged, and how. Sachin hit 4 sixes in the over, making the spinner look the kid in the contest. Sachin hit 4 sixes in the over, making the spinner look the kid in the contest. The over read 6, 0, 4, 6 6 6, David had felled Goliath ... and a legend was born.

Ian Healy Vs Ranatunga

Ian Healy's made a legendary comment which was picked up by the Channel 9 microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one dayer in Sydney... " You don't get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat c*nt!"

McGrath to Ramnaresh Sarwan

Sarwan, the West Indies vice-captain, and McGrath went toe-to-toe in an ugly shouting match in Antigua in May 2003, The incident was sparked after Sarwan, on his way to a match-winning second-innings century, reportedly reacted to lurid taunts from McGrath by telling him he should get the answers from his wife, who was recovering from radiation therapy for secondary cancer. The details:

McGrath: " So what does Brian Lara's d*ck taste like?"

Sarwan: "I don't know. Ask your wife. "

McGrath (losing it): "If you ever F*&king mention my wife again, I'll F*cking rip your F*fing throat out."

Mark Waugh Vs Adam Parore

Mark Waugh was standing at second slip, Adam Parore relatively new to cricket came to the crease played & missed the first ball.

Mark Waugh- "Ohh, I remember you from a couple years ago in Australia. You were sh*t then, you're fu*king useless now".

Parore- (Turning around) "Yeah, that's me & when I was there you were going out with that old, ugly sl*t & now I hear you've married her. You dumb c*nt ".

Ravi Shastri v/s Mike Whitney

Its common knowledge that Indian's usually don't resort to sledging, and the Aussies swear by it. In this rare occassion the tables had turned and it was the Aussies who were at the receiving end.

Shastri hits the ball towards Mike Whitney (the 12th man in the game) and looks for a single, this guy gets the ball in and says

Whitney: "If you leave the crease i'll break your f***ing head"

Shastri didn't bat an eyelid before replying : " If you could bat as well as you can talk you wouldn't be the f***ing 12th man"

Merv Hughes Vs Cronje

Merv Hughes was one of the greatest exponents of the fine "art" of sledging. Once during a tour game in South Africa Hughes was bowling to Hansie Cronje . It was an especially flat wicket and Cronje was hitting Hughes for fours and sixes all over the place.

After the umpteenth boundary, Hughes headed down the pitch, stood near Cronje, let out a fart and said: "Try hitting that for six." It was five minutes before the guffawing stopped and play could resume.

Robin Smith and Merv Hughes

During 1989 Lords Test, Merv Hughes said to Robin Smith after he played and missed: " You can't f*cking bat".

Simth replied, both with the bat and with words, he smashed Hughes to the boundry and said, " Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can't f*cking bat and you can't f*cking bowl ."

Team mates Sledging

England were playing Pakistan and, at what turned out to be a crucial moment later on, Frank Tyson managed to get an outside edge off a Pakistani batsman after the batsman had been frustrating them on a hot sweaty day. The ball went right through the hands of Raman Subba Rao who was standing in first slip and through his legs.

After the over Raman heads over to the bowler and says, "Sorry Frank, I should've closed my legs."

Frank Tyson, who didn't find any of this amusing, quipped back, "No, you bastard, your mother should have ."

Ian Healy Vs a Short chubby batsman

In one of the tour matches in South Africa, Australia played Hansie Cronje's province. Cronje was at the non strikers end, there was a short chubby batsman on strike.

Ian Healy yelled to Warne, " Bowl a Mars Bar half way down...We'll get him stumped"

Miandad Vs Lillee: The 'brats' clash

Miandad played Lillee to square leg and completed an easy run, with a collision taking place in the center. According to Miandad, Lillee had tried to block him in the path. After a verbal exchange, Lillee went ahead and kicked Miandad on his pads. Miandad, started charging towards Lillee with his bat lifted high above the head, as if to hit him. The umpire's intervention prevented what could have turned out to be a real assault had Miandad gone head with his plans. However, the picture of Miandad hurling his bat at Lillee made the whole incident look even worse, and was promptly declared as the most indignified incident in the history of Cricket.

Lillee's version, to this day, had Miandad first hitting him with the bat, and then swearing at him. He maintained that there was no contact from his side throughout the incident.

Note: The author is aware of the fact that this incident has nothing to do with sledging, but found the temptation of mentioning the episode was too hard to resist.

The Frog Jumping incident, 1992 India Vs Pakistan

India vs Pakistan matches are always a treat to watch, and if its the World Cup its stakes are even greater. Javed Miandad, the Bad boy of cricket, at the receiving end for once. Miffed by the verbals from Kiran More, he complains " Insaan khel rahe hain janwaar nahin" (Human beings are playing not animals).

And after a sharp run out chance, where Miandad closely survives Miandad starts jumping up and down, face distorted imitating Kiran More's appealing. A sight to behold. Pure comedy. Pakistan loses the match but go on to win the cup.

'I did it instinctively', Miandad later told. He added, 'Hey, is this the way you appeal for everything? Don't appeal like that '. You can also watch the video of the incident.

Dropped the Cup?

Perhaps the most famous sledge in a World Cup match took place the epic Super Six clash between Australia

and South Africa (in 2003). South Africa looked on course to a routine victory with Australian captain Steve Waugh at the crease and on 56. At that stage, Waugh clipped the ball in the air straight to South African fielder Herschelle Gibbs. In his haste, Gibbs dropped the ball when attempting to throw it in the air in celebration as he had not fully controlled it.

As he passed him, Waugh is said to have asked Gibbs: " How does it feel to have dropped the World Cup?".

Waugh carried on to make an unbeaten 120 and Australia posted an unlikely win and won the World Cup a few days later.

Waugh has however denied that quote, instead claiming that he said " looks like you've dropped the match".

Hughes Vs Miandad

The inimitable Merv Hughes has forgotten more about sledging than most people will ever know, so he was more than a little miffed to be on the receiving end in the 1991 Adelaide Test against Pakistan. Hughes and Javed Miandad almost came to blows after the Pakistani batsman dared to call big Merv a " fat bus conductor". But revenge was sweet for Hughes. A few balls later he finally got his man and as Miandad walked past, he could not resist shouting, " Tickets, please!"

Dennis Lillee Vs Sunil Gavaskar

Dennis Lillee and Sunil Gavaskar, were involved in a war of words in the 3rd Test, MCG, February 1981. A historic win for India in that Test would definitely not have taken place had Sunil Gavaskar

not calmed down. He clashed with Australian fast bowler Dennis Lillee, who Gavaskar claims abused him after claiming his wicket and the Indian captain asked non-striker Chetan Chauhan to walk off the field, forfeiting the match. Gavaskar was batting on 70 when Lillee appealed for a leg before decision. Gavaskar showed his bat to the umpire, indicating he had 'nicked' the ball before it hit his pads. Angry words were exchanged between the batsman and the bowler, and Lillee even went to the extent of pointing to the batsman the spot where the ball had his pads.

The decision went in favour of the bowler and as Gavaskar started his long, dejected walk back to the pavilion, Lillee turned around and abused him. That was it. Gavaskar snapped, and decided to forfeit the match.

Later, Gavaskar was to write in his book 'Idols': "That (the walkout) was the most regrettable incidents of my life. Whatever may be the provocation and whatever the reason, there was no justification for my action and I realize now that I did not behave the way a captain and sportsman should ."

Flintoff Vs Tino Best

Best, never short of a word or two when he is bowling, was done up like a kipper by the England all-rounder as West Indies slumped to defeat in the first Test. Flintoff saw his opponent preparing to face Giles' off-spin and shouted: " Watch the windows, Tino!"

The wind-up had the desired effect, causing Best to come charging out of his crease like a man possessed. He took a wild swing at the ball, missed and was promptly stumped by Geraint Jones. Not a broken window in sight. Flintoff could not contain himself and spent the next five minutes giggling like a teenager, as Best sat on the balcony rueing his stupidity.

Viv Richards to Gavaskar

Gavaskar had decided to relinquish his opening position and come in at no 4 for that test. But, Malcolm Marshall fired out Anshuman Gaekwad and Dilip Vengsarkar for ducks, setting the stage for Gavaskar to walk in at 0/2. And he thought there would be less pressure! Viv Richards says " Man, it don't matter where you come in to bat, the score is still zero."

Steve Waugh and Parthiv Patel

Amidst all the hype surrounding his farewell match, Steve Waugh had to contend with an unexpected dose of his own medicine from a player half his age.

As Waugh fought a grim battle to stave off defeat in the series-deciding fourth Test in Sydney, 19 year-old Indian wicket-keeper Parthiv Patel tried to unsettle the veteran batsman through some banter.

The baby-faced Patel egged on the 38 year-old stalwart to play one of his sweep shots one last time. The India 'keeper was saying, 'Come on, just one more of the famous slog-sweeps before you finish' Waugh replied: 'Look, show a bit of respect. You were in nappies when I debuted 18 years ago'.

Rod Marsh and Ian Botham

When Botham took guard in a Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words: " So how's your wife and my kids?"

Trueman and Aussie batsman

In an England v Australia Test during early 1960's Trueman was fielding close to the gate from the pavilion. As a new batsman came out he turned to shut the gate, Trueman said " Don't bother son, you won't be out there long enough. "

Daryll Cullinan and Shane Warne

As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had been waiting 2 years for another chance to humiliate him. " Looks like you spent it eating ," Cullinan retorted.

Adam Parore and Daryll Cullinan

Because Cullinan is well known for being Warne's bunny, New Zealand keeper Parore greeted the South African, carefully playing the first ball from kiwi Chris Harris, with a cry of: " Bowled Warnie!"

Malcolm Marshall and David Boon

Malcolm Marshall was bowling to David Boon who had played and missed a couple of times.

Marshall: " Now David, Are you going to get out now or am I going to have to bowl around the wicket and kill you? "

James Ormond and Mark Waugh

James Ormond had just come out to bat on an ashes tour and was greeted by MarkWaugh…

Mark : "F*ck me, look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here, there's no way you're good enough to play for England "

James: "Maybe not, but at least i'm the best player in my family".

Waugh Vs Jamie Siddons

In a Sheffield Shield game between NSW and SA, a Waugh twin (not sure which) was taking an enternity to take guard, asking the umpire for centre, middle and leg, two legs - the whole lot. Then he steps away towards leg side and has another look around the field, before re-checking centre.

Jamie Siddons is at slip, and decided enough is enough. He yells out."For christ sake, it's not a 'f*cken test match."

Waugh replies: " Of course it isn't ... You're here. "

Mother (in law) of all sledges

In the 1980's Ian Botham returned early from a tour of Pakistan, and on radio joked " Pakistan is the sort of country to send your mother in-law to ."

Needless to say the Pakistanis did not find this amusing, and when Pakistan defeated England in the 1992 World Cup Final, Aamer Sohail told Ian Botham " Why don't you send your mother-in-law out to play, she cannot do much worse."

Barmy Army Vs Shane Warne

England's "Barmy Army" recently decided to sledge leg spinner Shane Warne musically, and it has been described as boorishly personal, but effective.

The sledge was based on Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep - the "Where's your poppa gone?" Song. It has been converted to " Where's your missus gone?" (Warne had recently been divorced his wife)

Special Mention

Inzamam-ul-Haq once told Brett Lee to " stop bowling off spinners".

In the recent Karachi Test when Irfan Pathan came to bat in 2nd Innings Afridi shouted two times " O mera Shehzada aaya ! " (Oh! my prince has come)

I OWE MY MOTHER:

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION

"You better pray or that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC

" Because I said! So, ! that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is ! Gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION

"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION

"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother! Taught me about RECEIVING

"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS

"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite:

My mother taught me about JUSTICE

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Old Lady At The Sex Shop:

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: “Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?”

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: “Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.”

The old woman then asks: “Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss ththiickk?”

The clerk responds, “Yes we do.”

“Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ddddaaammmmnnn ttthingggg offffff?”

God Is Watching You:

A burglar breaks into a house and as he comes into the living room he hears " God is watching you".

Upon hearing this he looks around the room and sees a parrot in the corner and says," What is your name?".

The bird replies," Moses".

The burglar laughs and says, " What kind of idiot names thier parrot Moses?!"

And the bird replies, " The same idiot who named his Rottweiler - God ."

United State:



Question: Why the rate of divorce in USA is greater than any other country???

Answer: Because the husand and wife cannot stay in an UNITED STATE!!!

While You Were Flying:

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt,! insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. ! Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it was! wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had ad hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot.

"What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go ! blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

And last and maybe the best....

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

Keeping Women In Line:

Posted by - Jo

Liar Liar:

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and asked, "May I see your driver's license?"

The driver answered, "I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI."

The officer asked, "May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?"

The driver answered,"It's not my car. I stole it."

The officer asked, "The car is stolen?"

The driver answered, "That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there."

The officer asked, "There's a gun in the glove box?"

The driver answered, "Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk."

The officer asked, "There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?"

The driver answered, "Yes, sir."

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.

The Captain asked, "Sir, can I see your license?"

The driver answered, "Sure. Here it is."

It was valid.

The Captain asked, "Who's car is this?"

The driver answered, "It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card."

The driver owned the car.

The Captain asked, "Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?"

The driver answered, "Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it."

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

The Captain asked, "Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it."

The driver answered, "No problem."

Trunk is opened; no body.

The Captain said, "I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk."

The driver answered, "Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!"

What Women Say And What They Actually Mean:

I) "CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?" - There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.

II) "I JUST NEED SOME SPACE" - Without you in it!

III) "DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?" - We haven't had a fight in a while.

IV) "NO, PIZZA'S FINE" - You cheap slob!

V) "I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW" - I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

VI) "I DON'T KNOW; WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?" - I can't believe you have nothing planned.

VII) "COME HERE" - My puppy does this too.

VIII) "I LIKE YOU, BUT" - I don't like you.

IX) "YOU NEVER LISTEN" - You never listen!

X) "WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY" - I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out is this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.

XI) "I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE" - I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

XII) "OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF" - I'm just being nice; there is no way I'm going dutch.

XIII) "OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE" - Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.

XIV) "I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS" - We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

Anti Valentine Cards:

I bet you won't find any of these in any Greeting Cards Stores around the world-

Sample 1:

Sample 2:

Message To The Moon:

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated.

"What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate it. He refused.

So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon. Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator.

He reported that the moon message said, "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."

Do You Know Me ? :

Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the worst answer.

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. The witness was a grand motherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a bigshot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones. do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in jail for contempt."

Posted by - Albert Pinto

***BREAKING NEWS*** Another Scientific Discovery:


Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

God's Own Children:


Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was, "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve. . . we have forbidden fruit!"

"No way!"

"Yes, way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, (wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants). A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and was He ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God, as our first parent, asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT"!!!

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed! But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:

"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

Men Do Remember:

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in the bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

"Yes I do," she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today !!!"

Scientific Breakthrough:

A British Company is developing computer chips which store and play music, to be implanted in women's breasts.

This is viewed as a major breakthrough as, up until now, women have complained that men were just staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Guns, A Dog And A New Navigator !!!

ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.

A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00).

He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin. It's mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR.

They decide they want to make a natural looking open water area for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float on.

Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse.

Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action: they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG....???

Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.

The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming.

One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator.

The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.

Then " "" "" "" "" " BOOOOOOOOOOOOM "" "" "" "" "" ! ! ! !

The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with "I can't believe this just happened" looks on their faces.T

he insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy.

And he still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments.

The dog is okay. . .doing fine.

Managers Will Be Managers:

A team of young budding Managers were given an assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So the Managers discussed and put up a project plan with roles and responsibilities.

The manager who was responsible for organizing the resources went out and got a ladder and a tape. The tape measure was just the ordinary tape of 6 feet. The lead manager assigned another manager to go on top of the pole and start the measure. They were falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing was just a mess.

An Engineer came along and saw what they' were trying to do. He walked over and pulled the flagpole out of the ground, laid it flat, measured it from end to end, gave the measurement to one of the managers and walked away.

After the Engineer went away, one manager turns head to another and laughs."Isn't that just like an engineer! We're looking for height and he gives the length"

Moral: No matter how good engineer you are, Managers always find fault in you.

Posted By - Hema S.

Animal Crackers III:

I Thought You Were... Weren't You???

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

George Bush - School Visit:

George Bush goes to a school to give a speech. After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.

"Bob".

"And what is your question, Bob?"

"I have 3 questions.

First, Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, Why are you President when Kerry got more votes?

And third, What happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right --- question time. Who has a question?"

A different kid puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is.

"Steve"

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have 5 questions.

First, Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, Why are you President when Kerry got more votes?

Third, What happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Fourth, Why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?

And fifth, Where is "Bob"? !!!

Zoology Test:


A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his schedule and the only one available was wildlife Zoology.

After one week, a test was held. The professor passed out a sheet of paper divided into four squares. In each square was a carefully drawn picture of a bird's legs. No bodies, no feet, just legs. The test asked each student to identify the birds from their legs.

The student sat and stared at the test getting angrier every minute.

Finally he stomped up to the front of the classroom and threw the test on the teacher's desk, "This is the worst test I have ever given."

The teacher looked up and said, "Young man, you have flunked the test. What's your name?"

The student pulled up his pant to the knee showing his legs and said, "You tell me..."

Posted by - Sandeep Kaushik