If Only The Error Messages Were This Clear:

Here are some really funny computer error messages you wish you'd or wouldn't get...

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Posted by - Jo

Kiss The Stone:

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable the food is terrible, it's too hot, it's too cold and the accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.

"Good luck will be following you all your days, if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said.

"Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted.

"We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

Top 10 Crazy Things To Do At The Mall:

10. At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"

9. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.

8. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.

7. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.

6. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.

5. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.

4. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are "leak proof".

3. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.

2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.

And This One Takes The Cake...

1. Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've seen this man."

Carry Bags - Funny and Cool:

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Something Fishy:

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box. We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up"

"Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replied, "I did, they're in your fishing box......"

Posted by - Jo

Don't Shoot The Translator II:

Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world.

1. In a Tokyo Hotel:

Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notice.

2. In a Bucharest hotel lobby:

The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

3. In a Leipzig elevator:

Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.

4. In a Belgrade hotel elevator:

To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

5. In a Paris hotel elevator:

Please leave your values at the front desk.

6. In a hotel in Athens:

Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

7. In a Yugoslavian hotel:

The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

8. In a Japanese hotel:

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

9. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery:

You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

10. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:

Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

11. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

12. On the menu of a Polish hotel:

Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

13. Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:

Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

14. In a Bangkok dry cleaners:

Drop your trousers here for best results.

15. Outside a Paris dress shop:

Dresses for street walking.

16. In a Rhodes tailor shop:

Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

17. From the Soviet Weekly:

There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

18. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:

It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

19. In a Zurich hotel:

Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

20. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:

Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

21. In a Rome laundry:

Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

22. In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:

Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

23. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:

Would you like to ride on your own ass?

24. In a Swiss mountain inn:

Special today -- no ice cream.

25. In a Bangkok temple:

It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

26. In a Tokyo bar:

Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

27. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:

We take your bags and send them in all directions.

29. On the door of a Moscow hotel room:

If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

30. In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:

Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

31. In a Budapest zoo:

Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

32. In the office of a Roman doctor:

Specialist in women and other diseases.

33. In an Acapulco hotel:

The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

34. In a Tokyo shop:

Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

35. From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:

Cooler and Heater: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

36. From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:

When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

37. Two signs from a Mojorcan shop entrance:

• English well speaking.
• Here speeching American.

To Future Son-In-Law, With Love:

Dear Spike,

I have been unable to sleep since I forced my daughter to break off her engagement to you. Will you forgive and forget?

I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo, and pierced nose. I now realize motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted the way I did to the fact that you have never held a job.

I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park.

Sure, my daughter is only 17 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on a full ride scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books.

I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.

Sincerely,

Your future father-in-law....

P. S. Congratulations on winning the Powerball lottery

Celebs - As Funny As They Can Get II:
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1. Jerry Seinfeld

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"TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all
over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem."

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2. Steven Wright

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"I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could
drive."
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3. Redd Foxx

"I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re
going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why."

4. A. Whitney Brown

"China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if
you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others
exactly like you."

5. Dick Gregory

"Last time I was down South, I was in a restaurant and ordered some chicken,
and these three cousins, you know the ones I mean, Klu, Kluck and Klan, come
up and say "Boy, we’re givin’ you fair warnin’. Anything you do to that
chicken, we’re gonna do to you." So I put down my knife and fork, and I picked
up that chicken, and I kissed it."

6. Jack Handey

"I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they
don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when
somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was that?!""

7. Bill Braudis

"I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" "I
said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio…""

8. David Brenner

"I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks
‘Are you reading that?" I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up,
turned the page, and sat down again."

9. Ellen Degeneres

"Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them
wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their
antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when
they were shot."

10. Johnny Carson

"Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing
themselves."

And last but not the least...

11. Bill Dwyer

"My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's
just a waiting game."

Just Two Words:

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: He’s allowed to say two words every seven years.

After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words.

"Cold floors," he says.

They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.

He clears his throats and says, "Bad food."

They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words.

"I quit," he says.

"That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."

When Cloning Goes Wrong - I:

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Just A Period:

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something 'exciting' and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class ..... and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and then sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.

"It's a period," he replied.

"I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so 'exciting' about a period?"

"Darned if I know," he said, "but this morning my sister was 'missing' one. Mommy fainted; daddy had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Navy.

@ 8:30 :

A guy shows up late for work.

The boss yells, "You should have been here at 8:30!".

He replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?".

Cure For Gastric Problem:

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. I pass gas HUNDREDS of times a day."

He tells the doctor that it's silent and odorless.

Then he says, "Doctor, you won't believe this but I've passed gas ten times while we've been talking."

So the doctor gives him some pills, "Here, take two of these every day and come see me in two weeks."

The guy comes back in one week complaining, "Doctor, what's in these pills? I still have the gas, it's still silent, but now it smells absolutely TERRIBLE!"

The doctor says, "Well that takes care of your sinus problem, now let's work on your hearing."

Just Got His Food:

The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television.

The harried waitress took our order, but more than half an hour passed with no sign of her return.

I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when suddenly, shouts of victory came from the bar.

"Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds as if someone just got his food."

Start All Over Again:

Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m., I discovered that it had not been one of my wife's better days. Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.

By 7 p.m., things had not changed, so I suggested I go outside, pretend I had just gotten home, and start all over again. My wife agreed.

I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile, announced, "Honey, I'm home!"

"And just where have you been?" she replied sharply. "It's after seven o'clock!"

The Cause Of Arthritis:

A man who reeked of alcohol flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of rum was sticking out of his ripped jacket pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading.

After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, do you know what causes arthritis?"

The priest, disgusted by the man's appearance and behavior, snapped, "It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man!"

"Well, I'll be," the man muttered and returned to his newspaper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized, "I'm sorry to have come on so strong - I didn't mean it. How long have you been suffering from arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Why Fishing Is Better Than Sex? :

#20 - No matter how much whiskey you've had, you can still Fish.

#19 - A limp rod is still useful while Fishing.

#18 - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.

#17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.

#16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything against Fishing.

#15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.

#14 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you Fished with long ago.

#13 - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.

#12 - When you see a really good Fishing person, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.

#11 - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.

#10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.

#9 - When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.

#8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy Fishing stuff.

#7 - You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for Fishing harassment.

#6 - There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.

#5 - If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.

#4 - Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.

#3 - Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.

#2 - You don't have to be a newly wed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favorite activity.

And of all the reasons...

#1 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?"

Of Marriage And Life After:

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Cause You're Blonde:

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy", she yelled, "we were counting today and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10".

"See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good", said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy" ?

"Yes, it's because you're blonde", her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy, Mommy, " she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G".

"See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good", said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy"?

"Yes pumpkin, it's because you're blonde".

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy, Mommy", she yelled, "we were in gym class today and when we showering, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"

And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good" , said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy" ?

"No, it's because you're 25."

Lake Into Beer:

Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish.

"Turn the lake into beer", he says.

The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer.

He turns to the other guy and says, "So what do you think?"

The other guy says, "You jerk! Now we've got to piss in the boat."

The Most Hilarious Alternate Word Meanings Contest:

Once again, The Washington Post published its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate word meanings.

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.), the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Who's In The Pond?

An elderly southern gentleman had owned a large plantation for many years. He had a large pond in the back fixed up nice, picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old gentleman decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women 'skinny-dipping' in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked or even to make you get out of my pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."

Pet Fish:

A man was stopped by a game-warden in Arizona recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, " Here, I'll show you. It really works."

The game warden was curious now. "OK I've GOT to see this!."

The man poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, What?" the man responded.

"When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.

"Call who back?" The man asked.

"The FISH."

"What fish?"

Choices In Hell:



A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in.

In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks.

The guy says "No, let me see the next room."

In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. Guy says no again.

Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries.

The guy says, "I pick this room."

Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee.

On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"

Celebs - As Funny As They Can Get:

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Jackie Mason

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather."
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Emo Philips

"When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter."

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Rita Rudner

"I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for thirty six hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for thirty-six hours."

Richard Lewis

"This greasy spoon restaurant was so bad, on the menu there were even flies in the pictures."

Richard Jeni

"I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future."

George Miller

I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network. They said "Can I help you?" and he said "No, I'm just looking."

George Wallace

"At the airport they asked me if anybody I didn’t know gave me anything. Even the people I know don’t give me anything."

Woody Allen

"I was thrown out of NYU. On my metaphysics final, they caught me cheating. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me."

Henny Youngman

"I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother."

Sarah Silverman

"My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners!"

And the Best of All ...

Chris Rock

"I was born a suspect. I can walk down any street in America and women will clutch their purses tighter, hold onto their Mace, lock their car doors. If I look up into the windows of the apartments I pass I can see old ladies on the phone. They’ve already dialed 9-1- and are just waiting for me to do something wrong."