Celebs - As Funny As They Can Get III:

David Letterman

"New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move."

Jon Stewart

"Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving. That's a good thing. He's getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on."

George Burns

"Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made."

Groucho Marx

"I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for member."

Steven Wright

"I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked "Do you have any firearms with you?"
I said: "What do you need?""

Rodney Dangerfield

"I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy " I tell him I want a second opinion.He says, ‘Okay, you're ugly too!""

Brian Kiley

"My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters."

Laura Kightlinger

"I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead."

Paul Rodriguez

"My father heard the story of the Menendez brothers. He quit playing the lottery. He said ‘Screw it, I’ve got twelve kids. Any one of them could snap.""

Ronnie Shakes
"After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes..
He said, "No hablo ingles.""

Bill Maher

"I believe Dr. Kevorkian is onto something. I think he’s great. Because suicide is our way of saying to God, "You can’t fire me. I quit.""

And the Best of All...

Paula Poundstone

"The guy who shot Robert Kennedy, Sirhan Sirhan, goes up for parole every year. Once he even told the parole board that if Kennedy was alive today, he would speak in his favor and say let him go. What a tough break, you know? The one guy who would have supported him, and he shot him."

Wanna Hear A Blonde Joke:

A blind guy feels his way into a bar unaware that it is a lesbian bar. He sits on a stall and orders his beer, and then says, "Anybody want to hear a good blonde joke?"

The barmaid replied, "You are obviously blind so you better know, I'm blonde six foot three and I'm a judo champion, the bouncer is a blonde too, she is six foot three and 280lbs, and is a karate champion, sitting directly behind you are three of the biggest and toughest women wrestlers you could find, and they are all blondes to. Do you still want to tell your blonde joke?"

After a moment's silence the blind man replied, "No, not if I have got to explain it five times!"

Not That Old:


"I'm not THAT old...."

Everyone has been guilty of looking at others our own age and thinking...surely I cannot look that old...

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

"Yes," he replied.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1960."

Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"

Wear 'Em For Me:

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove".

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really good.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

Through The Power Of The Mind:

Two KGB agents are taking a walk in a Moscow suburb.

One says to the other, "You know Pavel, I have had training to make anyone, and I mean anyone talk through the power of the mind"

"Really? Prove it", replies Pavel.

Dimitri pointed to a long queue of people outside a Bakers shop.

"See that queue. I can make the owner come out and tell them that he has sold out. Watch!".

Dimitri closed his eyes and concentrated on the shop. Sure enough after one minute the owner popped out and announced that he had completely sold out. The queue dispersed, but the people complained loudly that there was clearly plenty of bread for sale.

Both agents walked on.

"Hmm, impressive but I am still not convinced", said Pavel.

The two continued until they reached a miserable part of the city.

"See that apartment block?", Said Dimitri. "Well, just watch, I can make the owner of that one on the fifth floor throw out his TV"

"Go ahead", said Pavel.

So Dimitri closed his eyes concentrated on the apartment. After two minutes nothing had happened.

"Ha! What rubbish", said Pavel.

Dimitri raised his hands skywards as if to invoke a deity. Five more minutes passed.

"Oh come on lets go. This just proves it's all rubbish", insisted Pavel.

"One last try", said Dimitri, and he screwed up his face and concentrated with all his might.

After two minutes a man ran to the fifth floor balcony screaming,

"WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? I DON'T HAVE A TV!!!".

Innocent Beer Bottle:
A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children and lost his job. He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it.

He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing, "You are the reason I don't have a wife", second bottle, "You are the reason I don't have my children", third bottle "You are the reason I lost my job".

He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says

"Stand aside my dear friend; I know you were not involved".

Posted by - Amit Singh

Logical And Legal:

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you to give me an "A" for the exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

Posted by - Cammy

Looks Like Yours:


A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a 5-Iron golf clubs wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.

We went to look for them while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

"I don't remember much after that ..."

Why Sino-American Relationship Is Strained?

Often wondered why Chinese-American relationship is strained...

Now you'd know why... ;-)

A. The first photo was taken when the Chinese president went to US:


B. The second photo was taken when Bush went to China:



Posted by - Nick

It's Good To Be A Woman 'Cause:




1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We can scare male bosses with The mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

3. Taxis stop for us.

4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.

6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.

7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

8. We can congratulate our teammate Without ever touching her rear end.

9. We never have to reach down every so often To make sure our privates are still there.

10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

11. We can talk to the opposite sex without Having to picture them naked.

12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, We are aware that we will look like an idiot.

13. We will never regret piercing our ears.

14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.

Posted by - Judy Tadlock

If Only The Error Messages Were This Clear:

Here are some really funny computer error messages you wish you'd or wouldn't get...

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Posted by - Jo

Kiss The Stone:

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable the food is terrible, it's too hot, it's too cold and the accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.

"Good luck will be following you all your days, if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said.

"Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted.

"We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

Top 10 Crazy Things To Do At The Mall:

10. At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"

9. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.

8. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.

7. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.

6. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.

5. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.

4. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are "leak proof".

3. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.

2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.

And This One Takes The Cake...

1. Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've seen this man."

Carry Bags - Funny and Cool:

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Something Fishy:

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box. We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up"

"Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replied, "I did, they're in your fishing box......"

Posted by - Jo

Don't Shoot The Translator II:

Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world.

1. In a Tokyo Hotel:

Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notice.

2. In a Bucharest hotel lobby:

The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

3. In a Leipzig elevator:

Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.

4. In a Belgrade hotel elevator:

To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

5. In a Paris hotel elevator:

Please leave your values at the front desk.

6. In a hotel in Athens:

Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

7. In a Yugoslavian hotel:

The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

8. In a Japanese hotel:

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

9. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery:

You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

10. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:

Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

11. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

12. On the menu of a Polish hotel:

Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

13. Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:

Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

14. In a Bangkok dry cleaners:

Drop your trousers here for best results.

15. Outside a Paris dress shop:

Dresses for street walking.

16. In a Rhodes tailor shop:

Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

17. From the Soviet Weekly:

There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

18. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:

It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

19. In a Zurich hotel:

Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

20. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:

Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

21. In a Rome laundry:

Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

22. In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:

Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

23. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:

Would you like to ride on your own ass?

24. In a Swiss mountain inn:

Special today -- no ice cream.

25. In a Bangkok temple:

It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

26. In a Tokyo bar:

Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

27. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:

We take your bags and send them in all directions.

29. On the door of a Moscow hotel room:

If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

30. In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:

Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

31. In a Budapest zoo:

Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

32. In the office of a Roman doctor:

Specialist in women and other diseases.

33. In an Acapulco hotel:

The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

34. In a Tokyo shop:

Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

35. From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:

Cooler and Heater: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

36. From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:

When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

37. Two signs from a Mojorcan shop entrance:

• English well speaking.
• Here speeching American.

To Future Son-In-Law, With Love:

Dear Spike,

I have been unable to sleep since I forced my daughter to break off her engagement to you. Will you forgive and forget?

I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo, and pierced nose. I now realize motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted the way I did to the fact that you have never held a job.

I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park.

Sure, my daughter is only 17 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on a full ride scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books.

I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.

Sincerely,

Your future father-in-law....

P. S. Congratulations on winning the Powerball lottery

Celebs - As Funny As They Can Get II:
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1. Jerry Seinfeld

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"TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all
over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem."

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2. Steven Wright

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"I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could
drive."
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3. Redd Foxx

"I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re
going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why."

4. A. Whitney Brown

"China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if
you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others
exactly like you."

5. Dick Gregory

"Last time I was down South, I was in a restaurant and ordered some chicken,
and these three cousins, you know the ones I mean, Klu, Kluck and Klan, come
up and say "Boy, we’re givin’ you fair warnin’. Anything you do to that
chicken, we’re gonna do to you." So I put down my knife and fork, and I picked
up that chicken, and I kissed it."

6. Jack Handey

"I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they
don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when
somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was that?!""

7. Bill Braudis

"I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" "I
said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio…""

8. David Brenner

"I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks
‘Are you reading that?" I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up,
turned the page, and sat down again."

9. Ellen Degeneres

"Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them
wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their
antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when
they were shot."

10. Johnny Carson

"Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing
themselves."

And last but not the least...

11. Bill Dwyer

"My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's
just a waiting game."

Just Two Words:

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: He’s allowed to say two words every seven years.

After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words.

"Cold floors," he says.

They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.

He clears his throats and says, "Bad food."

They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words.

"I quit," he says.

"That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."

When Cloning Goes Wrong - I:

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