Better Deal:



During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows.

When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:

"Will you promise to obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

Baby Without Ears:

Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would be grounded for the rest of the month.

Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."

Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes." "Can he see?" asked Little Johnny.

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful. The Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be screwed if he needed glasses!"

"Look What Computers Have Done To Us" Part II:

NASA Findings:




When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.

To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Truly A Kind Man:


A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

Just To Make Sure:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line.

He says: “OK, now what?"

Sherlock Holmes And Dr. Watson:



Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

18:54 Vs 54:18 Ratio:

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

“Dear Wife:

You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I’ll be home before midnight.

–Your Husband”

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

“Dear Husband:

You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don’t wait up.

— Your Wife."

Top 10 Most Stupid Questions In Obvious Situations:

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends…

Stupid Question: Hey, what are you doing here?

Answer: Don’t you know, I sell tickets in black over here…


2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet…

Stupid Question: Sorry, did that hurt?

Answer: No, not at all, I’m on local anesthesia…..why don’t you try again.


3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people asks…

Stupid Question: Why, why him, of all people.

Answer: Why? Would it rather have been you?


4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter...

Stupid Question: Is this dish good?

Answer: No, it’s terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit in it.


5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...

Stupid Question: God!!! you’ve become so big.

Answer: Well you haven’t particularly shrunk yourself.


6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask…

Stupid Question: Is the guy you’re marrying good?

Answer: No, he’s a miserable wife-beating insensitive lout…it’s just the money.


7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call…

Stupid Question: Sorry. were you sleeping?

Answer: No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping…. You dumb witted moron.


8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair…

Stupid Question: Hey have you had a haircut?

Answer: No, its autumn and I’m shedding...


9. At the dentist when he’s sticking pointed objects in your mouth…

Stupid Question: Tell me if it hurts?

Answer: No it wont. It will just bleed.


10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your office asks…

Stupid Question: Oh, so you smoke.

Answer: Gosh, it’s a miracle …………it was a piece of chalk and now it’s in flames!!!

Preacher's Ass:



A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!

The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER’S ASS SHOWS.

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.

The paper read: PREACHER’S ASS OUT IN FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.

The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER’S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.

The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go.

Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

George Of The Bush:

George Bush was frantically searching high and low, all over the living room.

Laura worriedly asks, “What’s wrong hon! Have you lost something?”

George Bush: “Nope, I am looking for Hidden Cams!”

Laura Responds, “And what makes you think there are hidden cameras here?”

George Bush: “Or else, every few minutes, how is that guy in the television saying... “You are watching CNN… How the hell he knows what I am watching?”

The Hunter Theory :

A 90 years old Man goes to a Doctor, “My wife is 19 years old and she is pregnant, what would be your opinion?”

The Doc replies, “Let me tell you a story. A hunter in a hurry took an umbrella instead of his gun. He sees the lion and points the umbrella at the beast... “Bang!” “Bang!” and the lion drops dead.

To which the man says, “That’s impossible, someone else must have shot the lion.”

Doctor, “Exactly! Now you understand.”

Signs You Don't See Everyday:

Is There A Way?:


A man to a doctor, "Is there any way for a long life?"

The Doc Replies, "Get married."

"Will it help?", asks the man.

Doctor, "No, but the thought of long life will never come to your mind again."


Posted by - Prabir Sarkar

Away From Home:

This guy approaches the Madam of a local whorehouse and says, “Madam, I’m ready to spend top dollar here, but I have some very specific requirements. Do you think you can meet them?”

To which the Madam replies, “Sir, you have come to the finest brothel in the area. Our Ladies are extremely skilled in pleasing a man in every way! Simply name your pleasure.”

“Great!” he says, “Now here’s what I want. I want a woman that doesn’t moan, or groan, or thrash around or even move at all. In fact, I want her to simply lie there like a cold, hard piece of wood.”

“Well!” she says, “I must say that is a very unusual request, but I simply don’t understand. We have the finest, most desirable and exciting women in the world here. Why would you make such a request?”

To which he replies, “Well, I’m a traveling salesman that’s been on the road for a while, but I’m not really horny, I’m just homesick!”

Look What Computers Have Done To Us:

How Old Am I:

A woman decides to have a face-lift, for her birthday. She spends $5000, and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news-stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”

“About 32,” is the reply.

“Nope! I’m exactly 47,” the woman says happily.

A little while later, she goes into McDonald’s, and asks the counter girl, the very same question.

The girl replies, “I guess about 29.”

The woman replies, “Nope, I’m 47.”

Now she’s feeling really good, about herself. She stops in a drugstore, on her way down the street. She! goes up to the counter, to get some mints, and asks the clerk, this burning question.

The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say 30.”

Again she proudly responds, “I am 47, but thank you.”

While waiting, for the bus to go home, she asks an old man, waiting next to her, the same question.

He replies, “Lady, I’m 78, and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way, to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you, to let me, put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”

They wait in silence on the empty street, until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, “What the heck, go ahead.”

He slips both of his hands, under her blouse, and under her bra, and begins to feel around, very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast. He gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together, and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, “Okay, okay, how old am I?”

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands and says, “Madam, you are 47.”

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?”

The old man replies, “Promise you won’t get mad?”

“I promise I won’t.” she says.
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He replies, “I was behind you in line at McDonald’s.”

Hot Dogs:

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that
the people of this country actually eat dogs.”

“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the
Americans do.”

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk
towards the cart. “Two dogs, please,” says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps
both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.

Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their ‘dogs’.

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for
a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, “What part did you get?”

Animal Crackers II:

And What Did Sniffer Dog Just Find:

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador retriever between them. The first man asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a sniffing dog. “His name is Sniffer, and he’s the best there is,” he said. “I’ll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.”

The plane took off, and once it had leveled out, the agent said, “Watch this.” He told Sniffer to “search.” Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent’s arm.

The agent said, “Good boy.” He turned to the other man and said, “That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of her seat number. The authorities will apprehend her when we land.”

“Say, that’s pretty neat,” replied the first man.

Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat and placed two paws on the agent’s arm. The agent said, “That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.”

The agent then told Sniffer to search again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent. He jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place. The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn’t figure out why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asked the agent, “What’s going on?”

The agent nervously replied, “He just found a bomb!”