At The Bus Stop:

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a stunningly beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight black leather mini skirt with matching leather boots and jacket.

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step. So, slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still could not make the step.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan who was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

The pretty young woman went ballistic and turned onto the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!!!!"

At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind a figured that we was friends."

Pirate Of The Caribbean:

An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea.

Noting the pirate’s peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”

The pirate replies, “We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin’ me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of ‘em bit me leg off”.

“Blimey!” ,said the seaman, “What about the hook”?

“Ahhhh…”, mused the pirate, “We were boardin’ a trader ship, pistols blastin’ and swords swingin’ this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off.”

“Blimey!” remarked the seaman, “And how came ye by the eye patch?”

“A seagull droppin’ fell into me eye”, answered the pirate.

“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the sailor asked incredulously.

“Well…” said the pirate, ” It was me first day with the hook.”

Still Got Time:

A well dressed business man was walking down the street when a little kid covered in soot said to him respectfully, “Sir, can you tell me the time?”

The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, “It is a quarter to three, young man.”

“Thanks,” said the boy, “At exactly three o’clock you can kiss my ass.”

With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him.

He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him.

“Why are you running like this at your age?” asked the friend.

Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, “That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!”

“So whats the hurry?" says his friend, "You still got 15 mins.”

I Like The Way You Think:

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if five birds were sitting on a fence and you shot one of them with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "coz the rest would fly away."

"Well, the correct answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you think."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No", said little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."

Never Felt Better In Life:

Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?"

Farmer: "That's right."

Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"

Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life."

It Happens Only In India (Part II):

1. Public Transport:

2. Goods Carrier:



And Finally None but Not the Least...

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-

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3. Indian Railways:

Posted by - Zeeba

A Woman's Secret:

There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one daythe little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $25,000.

He asked her about the contents.

"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved that he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling all the dolls..."

Posted by - Hema Sridharan

Please Stop That:

A stuffy matron is with a new man in a top restaurant. The onion soup gets to her, and as the waiter is serving the main dishes she lets loose a bombastic fart.

Trying to save face, she says to the waiter, "Sir! Please stop that immediately."

"Certainly, Madame," replies the waiter with a bow. "Which way was it headed?"

Actual Comments From Sports Commentators They Probably Wish They Could Take Back:

1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch & Jerk Event:

"This is Gegoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator:

"This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I mounted her mother."

3. Murray Walker - Grand Prix Race Announcer:

"This lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is identical."

4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer:

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

5. Ringside Boxing Analyst:

"Sure there have been some injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious."

6. Baseball announcer:

"If history repeats itself, I think we can expect to see the same thing again."

7. Basketball analyst:

"He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988:

"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the Cox of the Oxford crew."

9. Metro Radio, College Football:

"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

10. US Open TV Commentator:

"One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?"

And finally... Cricket Commentator:

"The batsman's Holding, the bowler's Willie."

His Last Trick:

There was this magician who had a job on a cruise liner, entertaining the passengers with a nightly show. He was very successful in his job and there was always a full house at all his performances. Life was sweet. The money was rolling in, he had one of the best cabins, ate the best food, mixed with the best people. All was fine until one day the captain bought a parrot.

The highlight of the parrot's day was going along to see the magician in action in the evening. During the magician's performances, the parrot would watch him very carefully during each trick, and immediately after the magician had completed the trick the parrot would call out in a loud squawk, "It's up his sleeve, it's up his sleeve," or, "It's down his trousers, it's down his trousers," each time ruining the magician's trick.

Well life was no longer as sweet and the magician started to struggle to satisfy the passengers. The magician naturally got very tired of the parrot and longed to kill it.

Then one night in the middle of the magician's performances, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone was killed except for the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage, climbed aboard and collapsed. The parrot flew towards the magician and perched on the edge of the raft and stared at the magician.

For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot did not take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started to stir, and looked up not really knowing where he was or what had happened. He eventually found enough energy to sit up. He then noticed the parrot, who had not stopped focusing his eyes on him all this time.

"Alright I give up....." chirped the parrot, ".....What have you done with the ship?"

The Ten Commandments:

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family of seven) answered :

"Thou shall not kill."

I Hurt All Over:

A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over."

"What do you mean?", said the doctor.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts."

Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too."

Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts."

The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"

"Why yes", she said.

"I thought so", said the doctor, "You have a sprained finger."

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF BUT AREN'T:

10. "Nuts...My shaft is bent."

9. "After 18 holes I can barely walk."

8. "You really whacked the hell out of that sucker."

7. "Look at the size of his putter."

6. "Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more."

5. "Mind if I join your threesome?"

4. "Stand with your back turned and drop it."

3. "My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip."

2. "Nice stroke, but your! follow through has a lot to be desired."

1. "Hold up...I need to wash my balls first."

The Church Gossip:

Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, in accusing new-member George after she saw his pickup truck parked all afternoon in front of the town's only bar.

Said Sarah, "Everyone seeing it there would just know that he was an alcoholic!"

George, a taciturn sort, stared at her for a moment before simply walking away, saying nothing.

Later that evening, George parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house.

And proceeded to leave it there all night.

HighWay 166:

A police officer had just pulled over a car full of nuns for going too slow on a major highway.

Police officer: "Why were you driving so slowly?"

Nun driver: "I kept seeing all these signs with the number 20 on them and figured that was the speed limit."

Police officer: "No, Sister, that is the highway number."

Nun: "Oh, I'm so sorry, Officer, I didn't know that."

Then the police officer looks into the back seat and sees that the nuns there have panic-stricken faces and white knuckles from holding on to each other too tightly.

Police officer: "What's wrong with the nuns in the back seat?"

Nun: "Oh, we just got off Highway 166 a few miles ago."

Watch Whom You Eating:

Five cannibals get appointed as PTO techs in a Scottish Telecom company. During the welcome ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don't trouble any of the other employees." The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our cleaners has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"

The cannibals all shake their heads no.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the cleaner?"

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! for four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner !!!"

Crowd Control:

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner."

No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

"Pretty good," replied the veteran, "especially since this was a bus stop."

Lovemaking Tips For Seniors:




1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don't even think about trying it twice !!!.

Confessions Of A Kid:

Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.

Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday."

Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1

Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend,
Bobby

Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2

Dear God,

This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you.

Your friend
Bobby

Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.

Letter 3

Dear God,

I have been an "OK "boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.

Bobby

Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.

Letter 4

God,

I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!

Thank you,
Bobby

Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.

Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," Bobby's mother told him.

Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Bobby began to write his letter to God.

Letter 5

God,

I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by - Roopa Naidu

Father of One of My Kids:

A Guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde waving at him and says hello.

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My god, are you the stripper from my bachelor party where I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt."

She said, "No, I'm your son's math teacher".