Australian Bricklayer's Accident Report:

This is a bricklayer's accident report. This is a true story...

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

Need To Be In Tune:

After a really romantic dinner, a husband and wife are all over each other. They can't keep their hands off each other and they jump into bed and start getting all snugly.

The passion is really heating up. They get to quite an intense point, but then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me".

The guy says "WHAT??"

The lady replies, "You need to get in tune with my emotional needs as a Woman".

Then he realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the man takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his woman to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each, then they go to the Jewellery Department where she gets a set of diamond ear-rings. The lady is so excited. She thinks her guy has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet.

He says, "you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it."

The woman is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.

She says, "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."

The man stops and says, "No, I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."

The woman's face goes blank.

He Continues, "I just wanted you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode.

The husband calmly says, "You need to be in tune with my financial needs as a Man".

Posted by - Najaf Ishrati

Captain Bravo:



One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic.


Captain Bravo bellowed for his red shirt. The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, and, after donning the shirt, the captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.

Later on, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates.


That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day’s triumphs, and one of them asked the captain: “Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before each battle?”


The captain replied: “If I am wounded in the attack, my crew won’t notice my bleeding and will continue to fight, unafraid.” All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of their captain.


As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared at the captain and waited for his usual request.


Captain Bravo after moment's silence, shouted: “Bring me my brown pants!”

At The Bus Stop:

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a stunningly beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight black leather mini skirt with matching leather boots and jacket.

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step. So, slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still could not make the step.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan who was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

The pretty young woman went ballistic and turned onto the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!!!!"

At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind a figured that we was friends."

Pirate Of The Caribbean:

An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea.

Noting the pirate’s peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”

The pirate replies, “We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin’ me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of ‘em bit me leg off”.

“Blimey!” ,said the seaman, “What about the hook”?

“Ahhhh…”, mused the pirate, “We were boardin’ a trader ship, pistols blastin’ and swords swingin’ this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off.”

“Blimey!” remarked the seaman, “And how came ye by the eye patch?”

“A seagull droppin’ fell into me eye”, answered the pirate.

“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the sailor asked incredulously.

“Well…” said the pirate, ” It was me first day with the hook.”

Still Got Time:

A well dressed business man was walking down the street when a little kid covered in soot said to him respectfully, “Sir, can you tell me the time?”

The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, “It is a quarter to three, young man.”

“Thanks,” said the boy, “At exactly three o’clock you can kiss my ass.”

With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him.

He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him.

“Why are you running like this at your age?” asked the friend.

Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, “That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!”

“So whats the hurry?" says his friend, "You still got 15 mins.”

I Like The Way You Think:

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if five birds were sitting on a fence and you shot one of them with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "coz the rest would fly away."

"Well, the correct answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you think."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No", said little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."

Never Felt Better In Life:

Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?"

Farmer: "That's right."

Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"

Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life."

It Happens Only In India (Part II):

1. Public Transport:

2. Goods Carrier:



And Finally None but Not the Least...

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3. Indian Railways:

Posted by - Zeeba

A Woman's Secret:

There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one daythe little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $25,000.

He asked her about the contents.

"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved that he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling all the dolls..."

Posted by - Hema Sridharan

Please Stop That:

A stuffy matron is with a new man in a top restaurant. The onion soup gets to her, and as the waiter is serving the main dishes she lets loose a bombastic fart.

Trying to save face, she says to the waiter, "Sir! Please stop that immediately."

"Certainly, Madame," replies the waiter with a bow. "Which way was it headed?"

Actual Comments From Sports Commentators They Probably Wish They Could Take Back:

1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch & Jerk Event:

"This is Gegoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator:

"This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I mounted her mother."

3. Murray Walker - Grand Prix Race Announcer:

"This lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is identical."

4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer:

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

5. Ringside Boxing Analyst:

"Sure there have been some injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious."

6. Baseball announcer:

"If history repeats itself, I think we can expect to see the same thing again."

7. Basketball analyst:

"He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988:

"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the Cox of the Oxford crew."

9. Metro Radio, College Football:

"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

10. US Open TV Commentator:

"One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?"

And finally... Cricket Commentator:

"The batsman's Holding, the bowler's Willie."

His Last Trick:

There was this magician who had a job on a cruise liner, entertaining the passengers with a nightly show. He was very successful in his job and there was always a full house at all his performances. Life was sweet. The money was rolling in, he had one of the best cabins, ate the best food, mixed with the best people. All was fine until one day the captain bought a parrot.

The highlight of the parrot's day was going along to see the magician in action in the evening. During the magician's performances, the parrot would watch him very carefully during each trick, and immediately after the magician had completed the trick the parrot would call out in a loud squawk, "It's up his sleeve, it's up his sleeve," or, "It's down his trousers, it's down his trousers," each time ruining the magician's trick.

Well life was no longer as sweet and the magician started to struggle to satisfy the passengers. The magician naturally got very tired of the parrot and longed to kill it.

Then one night in the middle of the magician's performances, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone was killed except for the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage, climbed aboard and collapsed. The parrot flew towards the magician and perched on the edge of the raft and stared at the magician.

For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot did not take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started to stir, and looked up not really knowing where he was or what had happened. He eventually found enough energy to sit up. He then noticed the parrot, who had not stopped focusing his eyes on him all this time.

"Alright I give up....." chirped the parrot, ".....What have you done with the ship?"

The Ten Commandments:

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family of seven) answered :

"Thou shall not kill."

I Hurt All Over:

A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over."

"What do you mean?", said the doctor.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts."

Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too."

Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts."

The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"

"Why yes", she said.

"I thought so", said the doctor, "You have a sprained finger."

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF BUT AREN'T:

10. "Nuts...My shaft is bent."

9. "After 18 holes I can barely walk."

8. "You really whacked the hell out of that sucker."

7. "Look at the size of his putter."

6. "Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more."

5. "Mind if I join your threesome?"

4. "Stand with your back turned and drop it."

3. "My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip."

2. "Nice stroke, but your! follow through has a lot to be desired."

1. "Hold up...I need to wash my balls first."

The Church Gossip:

Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, in accusing new-member George after she saw his pickup truck parked all afternoon in front of the town's only bar.

Said Sarah, "Everyone seeing it there would just know that he was an alcoholic!"

George, a taciturn sort, stared at her for a moment before simply walking away, saying nothing.

Later that evening, George parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house.

And proceeded to leave it there all night.

HighWay 166:

A police officer had just pulled over a car full of nuns for going too slow on a major highway.

Police officer: "Why were you driving so slowly?"

Nun driver: "I kept seeing all these signs with the number 20 on them and figured that was the speed limit."

Police officer: "No, Sister, that is the highway number."

Nun: "Oh, I'm so sorry, Officer, I didn't know that."

Then the police officer looks into the back seat and sees that the nuns there have panic-stricken faces and white knuckles from holding on to each other too tightly.

Police officer: "What's wrong with the nuns in the back seat?"

Nun: "Oh, we just got off Highway 166 a few miles ago."

Watch Whom You Eating:

Five cannibals get appointed as PTO techs in a Scottish Telecom company. During the welcome ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don't trouble any of the other employees." The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our cleaners has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"

The cannibals all shake their heads no.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the cleaner?"

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! for four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner !!!"

Crowd Control:

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner."

No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

"Pretty good," replied the veteran, "especially since this was a bus stop."