An Irish Toast:

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

Mary said: "Oh that is very nice indeed, John!"

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Blonde Detectives:

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his side profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

He quickly adds"... think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect doesin fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

Important Laws of Science Which are not Taught in School:

Lorenzo's Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Kovac's Conundrum: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone.

Cannon's Karmic Law: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

O'brien's Variation Law: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Bell's Theorem: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Ruby's Principle Of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Willoughby's Law: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Zadra's Law Of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Breda's Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Owen's Law: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold

When We Get Old:

To All Employees - Sick Leave Policy:

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

SUBJECT: SICK LEAVE POLICY

SICKNESS: No excuse...We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

AN OPERATION: We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.

DEATH:
Other than your own:This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.

Your own:This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.

ALSO:Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00-8:15, and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again.

We appreciate your cooperation,

THE MANAGEMENT

Prayers Being Answered:

A lady approaches a priest and tells him,"Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?", the priest asked.

They only know to say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."

"Thank you." said the lady.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say,

"Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?"

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, "PUT THE BIBLES AWAY! OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED."