Australian Bricklayer's Accident Report:

This is a bricklayer's accident report. This is a true story...

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

Need To Be In Tune:

After a really romantic dinner, a husband and wife are all over each other. They can't keep their hands off each other and they jump into bed and start getting all snugly.

The passion is really heating up. They get to quite an intense point, but then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me".

The guy says "WHAT??"

The lady replies, "You need to get in tune with my emotional needs as a Woman".

Then he realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the man takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his woman to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each, then they go to the Jewellery Department where she gets a set of diamond ear-rings. The lady is so excited. She thinks her guy has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet.

He says, "you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it."

The woman is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.

She says, "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."

The man stops and says, "No, I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."

The woman's face goes blank.

He Continues, "I just wanted you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode.

The husband calmly says, "You need to be in tune with my financial needs as a Man".

Posted by - Najaf Ishrati

Captain Bravo:



One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic.


Captain Bravo bellowed for his red shirt. The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, and, after donning the shirt, the captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.

Later on, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates.


That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day’s triumphs, and one of them asked the captain: “Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before each battle?”


The captain replied: “If I am wounded in the attack, my crew won’t notice my bleeding and will continue to fight, unafraid.” All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of their captain.


As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared at the captain and waited for his usual request.


Captain Bravo after moment's silence, shouted: “Bring me my brown pants!”

At The Bus Stop:

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a stunningly beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight black leather mini skirt with matching leather boots and jacket.

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step. So, slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still could not make the step.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan who was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

The pretty young woman went ballistic and turned onto the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!!!!"

At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind a figured that we was friends."

Pirate Of The Caribbean:

An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea.

Noting the pirate’s peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”

The pirate replies, “We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin’ me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of ‘em bit me leg off”.

“Blimey!” ,said the seaman, “What about the hook”?

“Ahhhh…”, mused the pirate, “We were boardin’ a trader ship, pistols blastin’ and swords swingin’ this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off.”

“Blimey!” remarked the seaman, “And how came ye by the eye patch?”

“A seagull droppin’ fell into me eye”, answered the pirate.

“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the sailor asked incredulously.

“Well…” said the pirate, ” It was me first day with the hook.”

Still Got Time:

A well dressed business man was walking down the street when a little kid covered in soot said to him respectfully, “Sir, can you tell me the time?”

The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, “It is a quarter to three, young man.”

“Thanks,” said the boy, “At exactly three o’clock you can kiss my ass.”

With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him.

He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him.

“Why are you running like this at your age?” asked the friend.

Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, “That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!”

“So whats the hurry?" says his friend, "You still got 15 mins.”

I Like The Way You Think:

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if five birds were sitting on a fence and you shot one of them with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "coz the rest would fly away."

"Well, the correct answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you think."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No", said little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."

Never Felt Better In Life:

Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?"

Farmer: "That's right."

Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"

Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life."

It Happens Only In India (Part II):

1. Public Transport:

2. Goods Carrier:



And Finally None but Not the Least...

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3. Indian Railways:

Posted by - Zeeba

A Woman's Secret:

There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one daythe little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $25,000.

He asked her about the contents.

"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved that he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling all the dolls..."

Posted by - Hema Sridharan

Please Stop That:

A stuffy matron is with a new man in a top restaurant. The onion soup gets to her, and as the waiter is serving the main dishes she lets loose a bombastic fart.

Trying to save face, she says to the waiter, "Sir! Please stop that immediately."

"Certainly, Madame," replies the waiter with a bow. "Which way was it headed?"

Actual Comments From Sports Commentators They Probably Wish They Could Take Back:

1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch & Jerk Event:

"This is Gegoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator:

"This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I mounted her mother."

3. Murray Walker - Grand Prix Race Announcer:

"This lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is identical."

4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer:

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

5. Ringside Boxing Analyst:

"Sure there have been some injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious."

6. Baseball announcer:

"If history repeats itself, I think we can expect to see the same thing again."

7. Basketball analyst:

"He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988:

"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the Cox of the Oxford crew."

9. Metro Radio, College Football:

"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

10. US Open TV Commentator:

"One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?"

And finally... Cricket Commentator:

"The batsman's Holding, the bowler's Willie."

His Last Trick:

There was this magician who had a job on a cruise liner, entertaining the passengers with a nightly show. He was very successful in his job and there was always a full house at all his performances. Life was sweet. The money was rolling in, he had one of the best cabins, ate the best food, mixed with the best people. All was fine until one day the captain bought a parrot.

The highlight of the parrot's day was going along to see the magician in action in the evening. During the magician's performances, the parrot would watch him very carefully during each trick, and immediately after the magician had completed the trick the parrot would call out in a loud squawk, "It's up his sleeve, it's up his sleeve," or, "It's down his trousers, it's down his trousers," each time ruining the magician's trick.

Well life was no longer as sweet and the magician started to struggle to satisfy the passengers. The magician naturally got very tired of the parrot and longed to kill it.

Then one night in the middle of the magician's performances, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone was killed except for the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage, climbed aboard and collapsed. The parrot flew towards the magician and perched on the edge of the raft and stared at the magician.

For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot did not take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started to stir, and looked up not really knowing where he was or what had happened. He eventually found enough energy to sit up. He then noticed the parrot, who had not stopped focusing his eyes on him all this time.

"Alright I give up....." chirped the parrot, ".....What have you done with the ship?"

The Ten Commandments:

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family of seven) answered :

"Thou shall not kill."

I Hurt All Over:

A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over."

"What do you mean?", said the doctor.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts."

Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too."

Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts."

The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"

"Why yes", she said.

"I thought so", said the doctor, "You have a sprained finger."

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF BUT AREN'T:

10. "Nuts...My shaft is bent."

9. "After 18 holes I can barely walk."

8. "You really whacked the hell out of that sucker."

7. "Look at the size of his putter."

6. "Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more."

5. "Mind if I join your threesome?"

4. "Stand with your back turned and drop it."

3. "My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip."

2. "Nice stroke, but your! follow through has a lot to be desired."

1. "Hold up...I need to wash my balls first."

The Church Gossip:

Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, in accusing new-member George after she saw his pickup truck parked all afternoon in front of the town's only bar.

Said Sarah, "Everyone seeing it there would just know that he was an alcoholic!"

George, a taciturn sort, stared at her for a moment before simply walking away, saying nothing.

Later that evening, George parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house.

And proceeded to leave it there all night.

HighWay 166:

A police officer had just pulled over a car full of nuns for going too slow on a major highway.

Police officer: "Why were you driving so slowly?"

Nun driver: "I kept seeing all these signs with the number 20 on them and figured that was the speed limit."

Police officer: "No, Sister, that is the highway number."

Nun: "Oh, I'm so sorry, Officer, I didn't know that."

Then the police officer looks into the back seat and sees that the nuns there have panic-stricken faces and white knuckles from holding on to each other too tightly.

Police officer: "What's wrong with the nuns in the back seat?"

Nun: "Oh, we just got off Highway 166 a few miles ago."

Watch Whom You Eating:

Five cannibals get appointed as PTO techs in a Scottish Telecom company. During the welcome ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don't trouble any of the other employees." The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our cleaners has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"

The cannibals all shake their heads no.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the cleaner?"

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! for four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner !!!"

Crowd Control:

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner."

No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

"Pretty good," replied the veteran, "especially since this was a bus stop."

Lovemaking Tips For Seniors:




1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don't even think about trying it twice !!!.

Confessions Of A Kid:

Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.

Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday."

Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1

Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend,
Bobby

Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2

Dear God,

This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you.

Your friend
Bobby

Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.

Letter 3

Dear God,

I have been an "OK "boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.

Bobby

Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.

Letter 4

God,

I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!

Thank you,
Bobby

Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.

Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," Bobby's mother told him.

Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Bobby began to write his letter to God.

Letter 5

God,

I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by - Roopa Naidu

Father of One of My Kids:

A Guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde waving at him and says hello.

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My god, are you the stripper from my bachelor party where I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt."

She said, "No, I'm your son's math teacher".

Top 10 Signs Your Family Is Stressed:

10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".

9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

8. The cat is on Valium.

7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.

6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.

5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.

4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.

3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.

2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.

1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

Why Do Men Die Younger? :

Bring Your Own Cup:

This is what happened when a certain Company posted the following memo:

OFFICE MEMO:

May all members of staff please note that there will only be one drink per person at this year's Christmas Party. And please bring your own cup !

Regards,

Management

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Later At The Party !!!!

Good Afternoon, Mrs. Johnson :

A Mr. Jones was sued by a Mrs. Johnson for defamation of Character. She charged that he had called her a pig. Mr. Jones Was indeed found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge, "Your Honor, this means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"

The judge said that was true.

"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.

The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig 'Mrs. Johnson' with no fear of legal action.

Mr. Jones grinned, looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."

Inside Story: How The Stock Market Runs !!! :

Choose A Way To Die:

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, “The bad news is that now we’ve caught you and we’re going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we’re going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die.”

The Frenchman says, “I take ze sword.”

The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, “Vive la France!” and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, “A pistol for me please.”

The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, “God save the queen!” and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, “Gimme a fork!”

The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over–the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it’s horrible.

The chief is appalled and asks, “My God, what are you doing?”

And the New Yorker responds, “So much for your canoe you stupid cannibals!!!”

They Ain't Fooling Around:

Little Johnny was doing very badly in maths. His parents tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Johnny down & enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Johnny comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn’t kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying.

Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Johnny is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before.

This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Johnny brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Johnny got an A in maths.

She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: “Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?”

Little Johnny looks at her and shakes his head.

“Well, then,” she replies, “Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?”

Little Johnny looks at her and says, “Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around.”

I've Just Reached:

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile..... somewhere, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To,

My Loving Wife,

Subject: I've Reached Safely

Date: 21 st July, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and we are allowed to send e-mails to our loved ones.

I've just reached !!!

Yours,

Loving Husband

Take Off My Clothes:

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,"You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one saturday night. One o'clock came, however, he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra."

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties."

By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

Office Upgrade:

What I Wanna Become:

Teacher : "What do you want to become when you grow up?"

Little Johny : "A doctor !!"

Teacher : "Why?"

Little Johny : "Coz its the only profession where you can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it."

Victoria's Secret:


After spending the night with a young, sexy and passionate woman. Sam rolled over, and pulled a cigarette from his pants. He searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer."

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

Test For Sons In Law:

A woman had 3 girls. One day she decides to test her sons-in-law. She invites the first one for a stroll by the lakeshore, purposely falls in and pretends to be drowning. Without any hesitation, the son-in-law jumps in and saves her.

The next morning, he finds a brand new Toyota car in his driveway with this message on the windshield…

“Thank you! Your mother-in-law who loves you!

A few days later, the lady does the same thing with the second son-in-law. He jumps in the water and saves her also. She offers him a new Honda car with the same message on the windshield…

"Thank you! Your mother-in-law who loves you!"

A few days later, she does the same thing again with the third son-in-law. While she is drowning, the son-in-law looks at her without moving an inch and thinks:

"Finaly! It’s about time that this old witch dies!"

The next morning, he receives a brand new Ferrari car with this message…

THANK YOU!
Your father-in-law.

Divert Your Course:

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

All I Asked For Was An English Girl:

A woman goes to England to attend a 2 week company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers: "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"

The husband laughs and says, "An English girl !!!"

The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good, thank you "

"And, what happened to my present?"

"Which present?"

"What I asked for, the English girl?!"

"Oh, that! Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if its a girl !!"

The Blonde and the Coke Machine:

There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mello Yello.

As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up."Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?"

She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh! I'm still winning"

Mother Superiors Wisdom:

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.

One nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before you die.

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said,

"Don't sell that cow."

Meaning Of Entrepreneurship :

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist named John complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

"Not very long," answered the Mexican.

"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked John.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

"But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, make love to my wife. In the evenings I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. I have a full life."

The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Stanford and I can help you. You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New Jersey! From there you can direct your huge Enterprise."

"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years."

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting. When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make Millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?"

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your grand-children, catch a few fish, make love to your wife, and spend your evenings drinking and playing the guitar with your friends!"

You Have All The Right Equipment:



A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The
Husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn, the wife likes to read. One
Morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to
Take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take
The boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to
Read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and
Says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, isn't that obvious?)

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
Moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
Woman.

"But I haven't even touched you!!" says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
At any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think. ;-)

Feels Like It:

A middle-aged executive was becoming Increasingly irritated by the constant ribbing he was taking from the Junior employees who couldn't resist making fun of his baldness.

One Morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his hand Across the older man's gleaming head while loudly exclaiming:

"Feels Just like my wife's ass."

With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging Executive rubbed his hand across his head.

"You're right," he said, "It Does..."

Slow Down Or Stop :

A guy runs a stop sign and gets caught by a policeman.

Cop says, "License and registration, please."

Guy says, "What for?"

Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Guy says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
Registration, please."

Guy says, "What's the difference?"

Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete
Stop. License and registration, PLEASE!"

Guy says, "If you can show me the difference between slow down
And stop, I'll give you my license and registration."

Cop says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the cop takes
Out his nightstick and starts beating the shit out of the guy and
Says,

"Do you want me to slow down or stop?

Even I Think She Isn't Coming Back:


Posted by - Nikita

Duke !!! :

A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time for dinner.

After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy's chair.

Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and the boy really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.

"Duke!" the dad yelled.

"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks the dog is farting!" so he let out another one.

"Duke!" the father barked.

The boy thought he was homefree so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.

"Duke! Get outa there before he craps on your head!

Its Dark In Here, Isn't It? :

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.

One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, " Its dark in here, isn't it?"

"Yes it is," the man replies.

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

"No thanks," the man replies.

"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.

"OK, How much?" the man replies after considering the position he was in.

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.

"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats. "That's awful expensive", but because of the position he was in agreed to the price.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

"Yes it is," replies the man.

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his dis-advantage.

"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

"I can't, I sold them," replies the little boy.

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.

"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that crap in here," the priest says.

Watch And Learn:

Three New Zealanders and three Aussies are traveling by train to a cricket match at the World Cup in England.

At the station, the three Kiwis each buy a ticket and watch as the three Aussies buy just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Kiwis.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the Aussies.

They all board the train. The Kiwis take their respective seats but all three Aussies cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Tickets please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Kiwis see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Aussies on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies don't buy a ticket at all!!

"How are you all going to travel without any ticket?" says one perplexed Kiwi.

"Watch and learn," answers an Aussie.

When they board the train the three Kiwis cram into a toilet and soon after the three Aussies cram into another nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Kiwis are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."

Blonde In Traffic:

Celebrities With & Without Makeup:

Britney Spears

Gwen Stefani

Madonna

J Lo

Pamela Anderson

Liv Tyler

Jennifer Garner

Cameron Diaz

Six Best Women Drivers in the World:

After a rigorous competition from women all over the world we have the results of the best women drivers:

Award for the Sixth Best Women Driver goes too

Fifth Best

Fourth Best
Third Best
And the Runner Up is

And the Winner with Unanimous Decision is

That's all for now fellas...

Letter From A Soldier: