Dirty Mind:
It was Professor Smith's first day at St. Johns Medical College as a faculty.
Known for his teaching excellence, he made his entry into a classroom of 1st year medical students, where he received a warm welcome from the students, followed by their intro.
To start with, he planned to put forth a question to the class.
He said,"Well students, before we start off with today's lecture, let me ask you a simple question on human anatomy".
He gazed across the classroom, spotted a female student Suzie, and said, "Tell me Suzie, which part of the human body grows 10 times its original size when excited?"
Hearing this question, Suzie's face grew pale in embarrassment, she replied,"You should be ashamed to ask such a question to a female. I am sorry, but I can't answer your, this question".
Thwarted by the girl's reply, Professor Smith looked around the classroom afresh, to find out if there was anyone else who could satisfy his query.
This time he located a male student Henry, who had already raised his hand in affirmation to answer the question, and allowed the lad to go ahead.
Henry answered,"Pupil of a human eye."
The professor applauded for the boy's accurate answer; then turned back to Suzie and said,
"Look, Suzie, I am sorry but, I must tell you a few things:
(1) You lack knowledge
(2) You have a dirty mind and
(3) Your Expectations are too high !!!!!!!
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Microsoft: Technically Correct but Completely Useless
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the chopper's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. Then the pilot saw a tall building, flew towards it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the chopper, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.
Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the chopper's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. Then the pilot saw a tall building, flew towards it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the chopper, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.
Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
How to ask your Boss for a Raise?
One day you send a letter to your boss asking for an increase in your salary:
Dear Bo$$,
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
$teven
The next day, you received this letter of reply:
Dear Steven,
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.
NOw the newspaper are saying the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
Yours truly,
Jack
Manager
One day you send a letter to your boss asking for an increase in your salary:
Dear Bo$$,
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
$teven
The next day, you received this letter of reply:
Dear Steven,
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.
NOw the newspaper are saying the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
Yours truly,
Jack
Manager
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Mail from a frustrated victim of spamming:
I wanted to thank all my friends and family who have forwarded chain mails to me in 2004 & 2005.
Because of your kindness:
* I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains.
* I stopped going to the movies for the fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.
* I smell like a wet dog since I've stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer.
* I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks out of fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.
* I also stopped answering the phone out of fear that they may ask me to dial a stupid number and then I'd get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo.
* I've also stopped drinking anything out of a can for the fear that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine accidentally got mixed into it.
* When I go to parties, I don't look at any girl no matter how hot she is, for fear that she will take me to a hotel, drug me then take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
* I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times. (Funny that girl, she's been 7 since 1993...)
* I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made expecting the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program would arrive soon.
* My free Nokia phone never arrived and neither did the free passes for a paid vacation to Disneyland.
*Tired of calling Divya Singh (Siemens employee) who needs help for her hubby suffering from Lung cellular cancer especially when she was not married!!
IMPORTANT NOTE:
If you do not send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 10 seconds, a bird will crap on your head today at 5:30pm.
I wanted to thank all my friends and family who have forwarded chain mails to me in 2004 & 2005.
Because of your kindness:
* I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains.
* I stopped going to the movies for the fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.
* I smell like a wet dog since I've stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer.
* I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks out of fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.
* I also stopped answering the phone out of fear that they may ask me to dial a stupid number and then I'd get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo.
* I've also stopped drinking anything out of a can for the fear that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine accidentally got mixed into it.
* When I go to parties, I don't look at any girl no matter how hot she is, for fear that she will take me to a hotel, drug me then take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
* I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times. (Funny that girl, she's been 7 since 1993...)
* I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made expecting the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program would arrive soon.
* My free Nokia phone never arrived and neither did the free passes for a paid vacation to Disneyland.
*Tired of calling Divya Singh (Siemens employee) who needs help for her hubby suffering from Lung cellular cancer especially when she was not married!!
IMPORTANT NOTE:
If you do not send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 10 seconds, a bird will crap on your head today at 5:30pm.
Turner Brown:
A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this huge guy standing next to him.
The big guy notices the little guy staring at him, looks down and says," 7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 18-inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown".
The small guy just faints and falls to the floor.
The big dude kneels down and brings him to his senses by slapping his face and shaking him, "Are you OK?".
In a very weak voice the little guy says," Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?"
The big dude says," When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 18-inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown".
The small guy says, "Thank God, I thought you said Turn Around".......
A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this huge guy standing next to him.
The big guy notices the little guy staring at him, looks down and says," 7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 18-inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown".
The small guy just faints and falls to the floor.
The big dude kneels down and brings him to his senses by slapping his face and shaking him, "Are you OK?".
In a very weak voice the little guy says," Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?"
The big dude says," When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 18-inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown".
The small guy says, "Thank God, I thought you said Turn Around".......
Monday, January 09, 2006
Be Strong:
An escaped convict breaks into a house and gets in the bedroom, ties husband to the chair and wife on bed. He then jumps on top of the bed, kisses wife's ear and goes to the bathroom.
Husband, now really scared, tells wife," Sweetheart!!! You better do whatever he says or he'll kill both of us. I saw the way he kissed you.... be strong and don't forget.... I love you!!!
Wife in an equally worried tone," He didn't kiss me, he whispered in my ear that he's gay and is looking for Vaseline. I told him that it's in the bathroom.... you be strong and I love you!!!
An escaped convict breaks into a house and gets in the bedroom, ties husband to the chair and wife on bed. He then jumps on top of the bed, kisses wife's ear and goes to the bathroom.
Husband, now really scared, tells wife," Sweetheart!!! You better do whatever he says or he'll kill both of us. I saw the way he kissed you.... be strong and don't forget.... I love you!!!
Wife in an equally worried tone," He didn't kiss me, he whispered in my ear that he's gay and is looking for Vaseline. I told him that it's in the bathroom.... you be strong and I love you!!!
It's a Team Effort:
Most cricketers, who are not comfortable in conversing in English, got prepared for some standard questions that are asked from them when commentators chat with them during the awards ceremony.
Inzamam (Team Captain) was once asked a different question after Pakistan won the match, for which he was not prepared. He always had a standard response to the first question. But this time......
Tony Greig: So Inzi, that's fantastic, your wife is pregnant for the second time!
Inzamam: Bismillah-e-Rehman-e-Rahim!... All credit goes to the boys... Every one work hard for it, especially Afridi... It was a tight situation when he went in... Without his strokes it wouldn't have been possible. He was pulling the good balls and putting pressure all the time. Wicket was wet so Afridi took no chances... Specially on the leg side. Also Bob Woolmer kept a close watch on progress and gave instructions. It's all a team effort and hard work which pulled us out of a big hole.
Insha Allah, we all will work together as team, put in big effort and deliver good result all the time.
Posted By - Susheel Bist
Most cricketers, who are not comfortable in conversing in English, got prepared for some standard questions that are asked from them when commentators chat with them during the awards ceremony.
Inzamam (Team Captain) was once asked a different question after Pakistan won the match, for which he was not prepared. He always had a standard response to the first question. But this time......
Tony Greig: So Inzi, that's fantastic, your wife is pregnant for the second time!
Inzamam: Bismillah-e-Rehman-e-Rahim!... All credit goes to the boys... Every one work hard for it, especially Afridi... It was a tight situation when he went in... Without his strokes it wouldn't have been possible. He was pulling the good balls and putting pressure all the time. Wicket was wet so Afridi took no chances... Specially on the leg side. Also Bob Woolmer kept a close watch on progress and gave instructions. It's all a team effort and hard work which pulled us out of a big hole.
Insha Allah, we all will work together as team, put in big effort and deliver good result all the time.
Posted By - Susheel Bist
God's Chauffeur:
After getting Pope Benedict’s entire luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness" says the driver,"Would you please take your seat so we can leave?", "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today".
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! and what if something should happen?" ,protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. (Remember, he's German.)
"Please slow down, Your Holiness" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really big," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, “All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: " The Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "The President?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!!!"
The Chief is stumped, " You been drinking, John?"
Cop: " No Sir."
Chief : " Then what makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."
After getting Pope Benedict’s entire luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness" says the driver,"Would you please take your seat so we can leave?", "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today".
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! and what if something should happen?" ,protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. (Remember, he's German.)
"Please slow down, Your Holiness" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really big," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, “All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: " The Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "The President?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!!!"
The Chief is stumped, " You been drinking, John?"
Cop: " No Sir."
Chief : " Then what makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."
Friday, January 06, 2006
Bubble in the Bath-tub:
A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with name and hobby.
She said, "Let's start with the boys first."
Boys start giving their intro...
First boy: "My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."
Teacher was confused to listen but said, "Interesting. Well, Ok. In fact we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So it's ok John. Yes next."
Second boy: "Myself Peter and ! my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.
"Teacher now got surprised and said, "Good. I like the spirit of supporting a friend. Ok next."
Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."
Teacher: "Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next."
This continues, and the last boy stands up "I'm Harry and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."
Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach un-grown boys for long. Anyway, now the girls please."
First girl: "I'm Julie and my hobby is to see birds." Teacher: "Good. At last I got something different. Ok next."
Second girl: "I'm Ruby and I like to collect perfumes." Teacher "Now it's like educated grown up girls. Ok next.
You sweet girl , Yes you..."
The Most beautiful girl of the class :
"Mam, my name is Bubble, and my hobby is to take a looooong bath in the bathtub."
A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with name and hobby.
She said, "Let's start with the boys first."
Boys start giving their intro...
First boy: "My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."
Teacher was confused to listen but said, "Interesting. Well, Ok. In fact we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So it's ok John. Yes next."
Second boy: "Myself Peter and ! my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.
"Teacher now got surprised and said, "Good. I like the spirit of supporting a friend. Ok next."
Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."
Teacher: "Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next."
This continues, and the last boy stands up "I'm Harry and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."
Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach un-grown boys for long. Anyway, now the girls please."
First girl: "I'm Julie and my hobby is to see birds." Teacher: "Good. At last I got something different. Ok next."
Second girl: "I'm Ruby and I like to collect perfumes." Teacher "Now it's like educated grown up girls. Ok next.
You sweet girl , Yes you..."
The Most beautiful girl of the class :
"Mam, my name is Bubble, and my hobby is to take a looooong bath in the bathtub."
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