Lake Into Beer:

Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish.

"Turn the lake into beer", he says.

The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer.

He turns to the other guy and says, "So what do you think?"

The other guy says, "You jerk! Now we've got to piss in the boat."

The Most Hilarious Alternate Word Meanings Contest:

Once again, The Washington Post published its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate word meanings.

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.), the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Who's In The Pond?

An elderly southern gentleman had owned a large plantation for many years. He had a large pond in the back fixed up nice, picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old gentleman decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women 'skinny-dipping' in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked or even to make you get out of my pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."

Pet Fish:

A man was stopped by a game-warden in Arizona recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, " Here, I'll show you. It really works."

The game warden was curious now. "OK I've GOT to see this!."

The man poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, What?" the man responded.

"When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.

"Call who back?" The man asked.

"The FISH."

"What fish?"

Choices In Hell:



A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in.

In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks.

The guy says "No, let me see the next room."

In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. Guy says no again.

Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries.

The guy says, "I pick this room."

Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee.

On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"

Celebs - As Funny As They Can Get:

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Jackie Mason

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather."
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Emo Philips

"When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter."

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Rita Rudner

"I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for thirty six hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for thirty-six hours."

Richard Lewis

"This greasy spoon restaurant was so bad, on the menu there were even flies in the pictures."

Richard Jeni

"I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future."

George Miller

I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network. They said "Can I help you?" and he said "No, I'm just looking."

George Wallace

"At the airport they asked me if anybody I didn’t know gave me anything. Even the people I know don’t give me anything."

Woody Allen

"I was thrown out of NYU. On my metaphysics final, they caught me cheating. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me."

Henny Youngman

"I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother."

Sarah Silverman

"My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners!"

And the Best of All ...

Chris Rock

"I was born a suspect. I can walk down any street in America and women will clutch their purses tighter, hold onto their Mace, lock their car doors. If I look up into the windows of the apartments I pass I can see old ladies on the phone. They’ve already dialed 9-1- and are just waiting for me to do something wrong."