Celebs - As Funny As They Can Get:

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Jackie Mason

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather."
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Emo Philips

"When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter."

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Rita Rudner

"I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for thirty six hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for thirty-six hours."

Richard Lewis

"This greasy spoon restaurant was so bad, on the menu there were even flies in the pictures."

Richard Jeni

"I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future."

George Miller

I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network. They said "Can I help you?" and he said "No, I'm just looking."

George Wallace

"At the airport they asked me if anybody I didn’t know gave me anything. Even the people I know don’t give me anything."

Woody Allen

"I was thrown out of NYU. On my metaphysics final, they caught me cheating. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me."

Henny Youngman

"I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother."

Sarah Silverman

"My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners!"

And the Best of All ...

Chris Rock

"I was born a suspect. I can walk down any street in America and women will clutch their purses tighter, hold onto their Mace, lock their car doors. If I look up into the windows of the apartments I pass I can see old ladies on the phone. They’ve already dialed 9-1- and are just waiting for me to do something wrong."