Celebs - As Funny As They Can Get III:

David Letterman

"New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move."

Jon Stewart

"Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving. That's a good thing. He's getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on."

George Burns

"Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made."

Groucho Marx

"I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for member."

Steven Wright

"I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked "Do you have any firearms with you?"
I said: "What do you need?""

Rodney Dangerfield

"I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy " I tell him I want a second opinion.He says, ‘Okay, you're ugly too!""

Brian Kiley

"My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters."

Laura Kightlinger

"I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead."

Paul Rodriguez

"My father heard the story of the Menendez brothers. He quit playing the lottery. He said ‘Screw it, I’ve got twelve kids. Any one of them could snap.""

Ronnie Shakes
"After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes..
He said, "No hablo ingles.""

Bill Maher

"I believe Dr. Kevorkian is onto something. I think he’s great. Because suicide is our way of saying to God, "You can’t fire me. I quit.""

And the Best of All...

Paula Poundstone

"The guy who shot Robert Kennedy, Sirhan Sirhan, goes up for parole every year. Once he even told the parole board that if Kennedy was alive today, he would speak in his favor and say let him go. What a tough break, you know? The one guy who would have supported him, and he shot him."

Wanna Hear A Blonde Joke:

A blind guy feels his way into a bar unaware that it is a lesbian bar. He sits on a stall and orders his beer, and then says, "Anybody want to hear a good blonde joke?"

The barmaid replied, "You are obviously blind so you better know, I'm blonde six foot three and I'm a judo champion, the bouncer is a blonde too, she is six foot three and 280lbs, and is a karate champion, sitting directly behind you are three of the biggest and toughest women wrestlers you could find, and they are all blondes to. Do you still want to tell your blonde joke?"

After a moment's silence the blind man replied, "No, not if I have got to explain it five times!"

Not That Old:


"I'm not THAT old...."

Everyone has been guilty of looking at others our own age and thinking...surely I cannot look that old...

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

"Yes," he replied.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1960."

Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"

Wear 'Em For Me:

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove".

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really good.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

Through The Power Of The Mind:

Two KGB agents are taking a walk in a Moscow suburb.

One says to the other, "You know Pavel, I have had training to make anyone, and I mean anyone talk through the power of the mind"

"Really? Prove it", replies Pavel.

Dimitri pointed to a long queue of people outside a Bakers shop.

"See that queue. I can make the owner come out and tell them that he has sold out. Watch!".

Dimitri closed his eyes and concentrated on the shop. Sure enough after one minute the owner popped out and announced that he had completely sold out. The queue dispersed, but the people complained loudly that there was clearly plenty of bread for sale.

Both agents walked on.

"Hmm, impressive but I am still not convinced", said Pavel.

The two continued until they reached a miserable part of the city.

"See that apartment block?", Said Dimitri. "Well, just watch, I can make the owner of that one on the fifth floor throw out his TV"

"Go ahead", said Pavel.

So Dimitri closed his eyes concentrated on the apartment. After two minutes nothing had happened.

"Ha! What rubbish", said Pavel.

Dimitri raised his hands skywards as if to invoke a deity. Five more minutes passed.

"Oh come on lets go. This just proves it's all rubbish", insisted Pavel.

"One last try", said Dimitri, and he screwed up his face and concentrated with all his might.

After two minutes a man ran to the fifth floor balcony screaming,

"WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? I DON'T HAVE A TV!!!".

Innocent Beer Bottle:
A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children and lost his job. He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it.

He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing, "You are the reason I don't have a wife", second bottle, "You are the reason I don't have my children", third bottle "You are the reason I lost my job".

He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says

"Stand aside my dear friend; I know you were not involved".

Posted by - Amit Singh

Logical And Legal:

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you to give me an "A" for the exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

Posted by - Cammy

Looks Like Yours:


A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a 5-Iron golf clubs wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.

We went to look for them while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

"I don't remember much after that ..."