And You Thought That Your Job Sucked:

1. You always complain that there's a lot at stake as you climb up the ladder, but now you know what it takes to work at the top -

2. You blamed the management for increasing the no. of cubicles on your floor and that it has crowded your workplace...

3. So your Cubicle ain't big enough for the stuffed toy you brought along to decorate it, then have a look at this-

4. Now you would not say that your job is as tough as biting a bullet...

5. And finally, this would be the last time you ever gonna say that you take a lotta shit from others... 'cause you don't know what it actually means...

The Good, The Bad And The Worse:

Good: The teacher thinks your son's great.
Bad: In bed.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.

Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.

Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.

Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.
Bad: She's eleven.

Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.

Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.

Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.

Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.

Bad: Your husband's a cross-dresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.

Upgrade To Husband From Boyfriend:


Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0 and PremierLeague 7.2. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

Signed:

Desperate Wife


- - - - -Reply Separator- - - - -

Dear Desperate Wife,

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause damage, with Husband 1.0 defaulting to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files.

Be especially cautious about the HotChik virus – it’s programmed to corrupt Husband 1.0 utterly (as well as all future Husband upgrades).

DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Keep-a-nice-body 10.1.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

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Things To Do When Your Colleagues Are Away:

Know someone at work who always seems to be on holiday or annual leave?

Or always taking “business trips”?

Or maybe they’ve just got a shockingly low immune system and always sick? (the poor love)

Well here are a couple of ideas to let them know that you thought of them while they were gone...

#1 – Leave them some flowers

#2 – Leave them some To-Do memos

#3 – Spruce up their work area with some creative décor.

#4 – Everyone loves presents! Unwrapping presents is half the fun!

#5 – Clean their workspace. And to make sure it stays clean, protect it with something.

#6 – Let them know you looked after their workspace while they were gone and kept “undesirables” at bay.

#7 – Hand-made gifts. We all love them. A little masking tape and some Styrofoam goes a long way!

#8 – And finally…

if they’ve had a bit of an “extended” leave, remind them that not much has changed since they’ve been gone.

Kidnapped Buffalo In Court:

Once again !!! Here is an incredibly hilarious true incident.... and of course.... It can happen only in India....

Kidnapped buffalo in court
14 Dec 2007, 0111 hrs IST,TNN

HAVERI: This kidnap story ended in court. Nothing unusual about that. But when the victim ambled into the additional civil court's premises here on Thursday under police protection and bellowed, it created headline news.

The case relates to a buffalo kidnapped from one village and taken to another.

When the complainant pleaded that, as an interim measure, the buffalo be given to Kanavalli village as its presence was required for a religious jatra, judge Padmaprasad consented.

Tippanna Mailannavar, a member of the Kanavalli gram panchayat, has been allowed to keep the buffalo until further orders.

Tippanna told The Times of India the male buffalo - presented to the village goddess of Kanavalli in 2005 - was kidnapped on Nov. 18 by residents of Motebennur village to be offered in sacrifice at their jatra.

Basavaraj Kalasur, a member of the Kanavalli temple trust committee, said they needed the buffalo for their village jatra, scheduled for the first week of January. But Bhojaraj Ballary, the main accused, denied kidnapping the bovine and maintained it belonged to their village deity.

Tippanna and others from Kanavalli lodged a complaint with the Guttal police. When no action was forthcoming, he moved the Haveri court.

The judge appointed S M Katagi as court commissioner and asked him to produce the buffalo, along with the vehicle used in the kidnapping, in the court.

In compliance with the judge's order, the buffalo was brought to the court on Thursday. The mute subject of the legal row must be as eager as Kanavalli and Motebennur are to know the final verdict.

Original Article: http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/Cities/Kidnapped_buffalo_in_court/articleshow/2621126.cms

Word Of Inspiration:

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the Hospital, near death.

The family called their pastor to Stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The Pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to Look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his Jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I Haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Asshole, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

Not This Time:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "! Not this time!"

Beer For A Cent:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

Excuse For The Exam:

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says,

"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Pretend To Be A Statue:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

Hello Mate! How You Doin' ?


I walked into the toilets at work the other day where I found two cubicles, of which one was already occupied. So I entered the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

Then this voice comes from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?"

I thought it a bit strange, but not wanting to be rude I replied "Yeah, not too bad thanks."

After a short pause, I heard the voice again:- "So, what are you up to mate?"

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly it must be said. Unsure quite who this was or what to say, I replied, "Umm, I was just going to have a quick xxx I think. Er, what about yourself?"

I then heard the voice for the third time ....

"Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. There's some idiot in the loo next to me answering everything I say."

Honey! Look What I've Got:


A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must! be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"Honey! I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"

Hindu gods get summons from court:

Reported by BBC, this is an absolutely hilarious & true incident happened in India....Surely.... It Happens Only In India ;-)

A judge in India has summoned two Hindu gods, Ram and Hanuman, to help resolve a property dispute.

Judge Sunil Kumar Singh in the eastern state of Jharkhand has issued adverts in newspapers asking the gods to "appear before the court personally".

The gods have been asked to appear before the court on Tuesday, after the judge said that letters addressed to them had gone unanswered.

Ram and Hanuman are among the most popular Indian Hindu gods.

Judge Singh presides in a "fast track" court - designed to resolve disputes quickly - in the city of Dhanbad.

The dispute is now 20 years old and revolves around the ownership of a 1.4 acre plot of land housing two temples.

The deities of Ram and Hanuman, the monkey god, are worshipped at the two temples on the land.

Temple priest Manmohan Pathak claims the land belongs to him. Locals say it belongs to the two deities.

The two sides first went to court in 1987.

A few years ago, the dispute was settled in favour of the locals. Then Mr Pathak challenged the verdict in a fast track court.

Judge Singh sent out two notices to the deities, but they were returned as the addresses were found to be "incomplete".

This prompted him to put out adverts in local newspapers summoning the gods.

"You failed to appear in court despite notices sent by a peon and later through registered post. You are herby directed to appear before the court personally", Judge Singh's notice said.

The two Hindu gods have been summoned as the defence claimed that they were owners of the disputed land.

"Since the land has been donated to the gods, it is necessary to make them a party to the case," local lawyer Bijan Rawani said.

Mr Pathak said the land was given to his grandfather by a former local king.

Original Article : http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/7132124.stm

How To Marry A Rich Guy:


A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:

Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?

I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here. I'm 25 this year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above. You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York. My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married? I wanted to ask: What should I do to marry rich persons like you? Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit. If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York City Garden ( ? ) , $250k annual income is not enough.

I'm here humbly to ask a few questions:

1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the name and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)

2) Which age group should I target?

3) Why most wives of the riches is only average-looking? I've met a few girls who doesn't have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys.

4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)


Here's a reply from a Wall Street Financial guy:

Dear Ms. Pretty,

I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyze your situation as a professional investor. My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I'm not wasting time here.

From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain. Put the details aside, what you're trying to do is an exchange of "beauty" and "money": Person "A" provides beauty, and Person "B" pays for it, fair and square. However, there's a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can't be prettier year after year. Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It's not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worried 10 years later.

By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a "trading position". If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term - same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or "leased". Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income. This has better chance than finding a rich fool.

Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in "leasing" services, do contact me.

signed,

J.P. Morgan

Posted by - Shuchi Agrawal

The Talking Clock:

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to the bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that brass gong for?" asked the friend.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? How's it work?"

"Watch this," said the drunk. He took a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and waited. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "Hey, you jerk. It's 3:00 in the morning!"

Street Name:

A young man called directory assistance. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona."

"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?"

The young man hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man."