The Doc Says:
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake.

"I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says.

He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby.

"I can’t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground."

The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks.

"He says you’re gonna die."

Woman's Guide To What A Man Is Really Saying:

I) I'M HUNGRY - I'm hungry.

II) I'M SLEEPY - I'm sleepy.

III) I'M TIRED - I'm tired.

IV) I'VE GOTTA PEE - Get out of the way.

V) CAN I CALL YOU SOMETIME? - I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

VI) DO YOU WANT TO GO TO A MOVIE? - I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

VII) CAN I GET YOUR COAT? - I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

VIII) LET ME GET YOUR DOOR - I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

IX) MAY I HAVE THIS DANCE? - I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

X) YOU LOOK TENSE, LET ME GIVE YOU A MASSAGE - I want to fondle you.

XI) WHAT'S WRONG? - I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

XII) I'M BORED - Do you want to have sex?

XIII) I LOVE YOU TOO - Ok, I said it. We'd better have sex now!

XIV) YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR - I liked it better before.

XV) LET'S TALK - I'm trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

XVI) WILL YOU MARRY ME? - I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

Don’t Shoot the Translator:

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example...


1. The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la.

Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "Bite the wax tadpole" or "Female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect.

Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le" which can be loosely translated as "Happiness in the mouth."







2. In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."












3. Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."















4. The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free" got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."








5. When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "It won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.




6. Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "Tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.







7. When Parker Pen marketed a ball point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say 'It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you.'

HOWEVER, THE COMPANY MISTAKENLY THOUGHT THE SPANISH WORD 'EMBARAZAR' MEANT TO MAKE PREGNANT.'

So instead, the ads said that 'It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.'


8. An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."



9. Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken" got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused"




10. Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "Big breasts." In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.








11. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.













12. In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.











13. Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

And Finally...

14. In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to extol the drink's eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities.

Hence, the slogan, "Orange juice. It gets your pecker up."

Shortest Runway:

An airliner is coming into land at an airport obscured by fog. Visibility is practically nil, the ILS system is on the blink, so the pilot has to land on wits alone.

"Flaps, check," he says to the co-pilot, "Landing Gear, check. Altitude, check. Right, we're going in. Hold on."

The plane lands and comes to a screeching, grinding halt; just short of the edge of the runway.

"Holy Cow!" exclaims the pilot, "This must be the shortest runway I've ever landed on!"

The co-pilot looks left and right and says "Yeah, and about the widest, too..."

Outrun The Bear:

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.

The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.

The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear."

"I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

I Owe You:

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money.

They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash.

Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill.

"Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.

What Would Relax Me:

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.

Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob."

All the passengers hear it.

As a stewardess immediately begins to run towards the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says, "Don’t forget the coffee!"

Bet On The President:

At a White House party, a woman approached Calvin Coolidge, famed for his silence, and said, "Mr. President, I made a bet I can get more than two words out of you."

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He replied: "You lose."

Most Hilarious Cricket Sledges:

Wiki refers to sledging as 'exchanging words with opposition player(s) which can put him(them) off their usual game; it is an attempt to "psych out" an opponent'.

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Cricket is a very interesting game, and sledging adds to it the extra spice that make it much more than just game.

Here is a compilation of the best sledging related incidents, witnessed in the history of cricket...

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History

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Sledging has always been a part of cricket. Even the great WG Grace did it. Once in an exhibition match given

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out leg-before, he refused to walk and told the umpire: " They came to watch me bat, not you bowl ". And the innings continued.

Grace's ability to stand his ground would have done Sunil Gavaskar proud. Once, when the ball knocked off a bail, he replaced it and told the umpire: " Twas the wind which took thy bail orf, good sir ."

The umpire replied: "Indeed, doctor, and let us hope thy wind helps the good doctor on thy journey back to the pavilion ."

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The best WG Grace sledge was on him, though, not from him. Charles Kortright had dismissed him four or five times in a county game - only for the umpires to keep turning down his appeals. Finally, he uprooted two of Grace's three stumps. Grace stalled, as though waiting for a no-ball call or something, before reluctantly walking off with Kortright's words in his ears: " Surely you're not going, doctor? There's still one stump standing."

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The Prasad Vs Sohail Incident : Hero to Zero in 3 easy steps

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Chasing India's score of 287-8, Pakistan got off to a flyer of a start, Amir Sohail and Saeed Anwar went about tearing the Indian bowling attack. Pakistan looked all set to win as they reached 110 odd for the loss of just 1 wicket within the 15 overs.

1. Play a Great Shot: Amir Sohail was completely bent on demolishing the Indian bowling to pieces, charging down the track to the faster bowlers (if u can call Prasad that) in this particular case he came down the ground (a good 4-5 steps, anymore and he would have hit Prasad too) and slashed the bowl over vacant off side area... the ball disappeared into the fence in a flash ... what followed has since been etched in the memories of every cricket fan in the subcontinent.

2. Act Oversmart: Amir Sohail is no Miandad. But he tries to be, and fails miserably. Sohail after hitting the shot pointed his bat the area where the bowl had disappeared and then towards Prasad apparently gesturing where he will send the next one. Its not everyday that you see a batsman sledging the bowler, and Sohail was about to learn just why.

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3. Get what you called for: Sohail attempting to repeat the shot (albeit with his feet stuck to the ground this time) made room and exposed his stumps, and his weakness, and in return lost his wicket and his face.

As the wicket lay uprooted, Prasad returned the favour to Sohail, pointing to the pavilion this time.

The comeback was truly remarkable, almost a miracle .... Prasad has bowled thousands of deliveries and taken hundreds of wickets in his career but, it was this one granted him a place in the History of Indian Cricket .. for ever... the ghost of Miandad's last ball six was exorcised, once and for all.

You can also watch the video of the incident.

Steve Waugh Vs Curtly Ambrose Episode.

It really does not get any bigger than this, the two legends of cricket came face to face, literally and engrossed in a verbal duel in a test match in Trinidad. All the juicy details were not to be known until Steve Waugh came out with his autobiography.

Ambrose repeatedly stared Waugh down during a searing spell, and Waugh, who sized up the towering Ambrose, said: " What the f*ck are you looking at? "

Ambrose was stunned because, as Waugh says (in his Autobiography), "No one had ever been stupid enough" to speak to him like that.

Ambrose Replied, "Don't cuss me man", before Waugh's response, which had nothing to do with bowling.

"Unfortunately, nothing inventive or witty came to mind, rather another piece of personal abuse: 'Why don't you go and get f*cked.' "

The Windies skipper Richie Richardson had a hard time keeping Ambrose from hurting the Aussie.

McGrath Vs Brandes(the Best one till now….)

In a showdown of best pacers of two countries, Brandes made up for his complete absence of batting skills by some displaying some great sense of humor and presence of mind.

Aussie paceman Glenn McGrath was bowling to Zimbabwe number 11 Eddo Brandes - who was unable to get his bat anywhere near the ball. McGrath, frustrated that Brandes was still at the crease, wandered up during one particular over and inquired: " Why are you so fat?"

Quick as a flash, Brandes replied: "Because every time I make love to your wife, she gives me a biscuit."

Even the Aussie slip fielders were in hysterics.

Viv Richards v Greg Thomas

This incident took place during a county championship match between Glamorgan and Somerset.

Glamorgan quickie Greg Thomas had beaten Viv Richards' bat a couple of times and informed the legendary West Indian ace: " It's red, round and weighs about five ounces, in case you were wondering."
The very next ball was given the King Viv treatment and smashed out of the ground, into a river - at which point Richards piped up: " Greg, you know what it looks like. Now go and find it."

Merv Hughes and Viv Richards:

Merv Hughes usually never short of a word while on the field, rarely keeps quite. During a test match in the West Indies Hughes didn't say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after deliveries. " This is my island, my culture. Don't you be staring at me. In my culture we just bowl."

Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the batsman: " In my culture we just say f*ck off. "

Sachin Tendulkar Vs Abdul Qadir

The year was 1989, the little master had recently made his debut in Pakistan.

Sachin not even old enough to get a driving licence Sachin Tendulkar was facing the best bowlers in the business. As the Pakistani crows jeered and mocked Sachin holding out the placards saying "" Dudh Pita Bhachcha ..ghar jaake dhoodh pee", (hey kid, go home and drink milk), Sachin sent the then young leg spinner Mustaq Ahmed hiding for cover (he had hit two sixes in one over. The frustaded mentor of Mustaq Ahmed the legendary Abdul Qadir challenges Sachin saying " Bachchon ko kyon mar rahe ho? Hamein bhi maar dikhao ` (`Why are you hitting kids? Try and hit me.`).

Sachin was silent, since then we all have come to know that he lets his bat do the talking. Abdul Quadir had made a simple request and Sachin obliged, and how. Sachin hit 4 sixes in the over, making the spinner look the kid in the contest. Sachin hit 4 sixes in the over, making the spinner look the kid in the contest. The over read 6, 0, 4, 6 6 6, David had felled Goliath ... and a legend was born.

Ian Healy Vs Ranatunga

Ian Healy's made a legendary comment which was picked up by the Channel 9 microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one dayer in Sydney... " You don't get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat c*nt!"

McGrath to Ramnaresh Sarwan

Sarwan, the West Indies vice-captain, and McGrath went toe-to-toe in an ugly shouting match in Antigua in May 2003, The incident was sparked after Sarwan, on his way to a match-winning second-innings century, reportedly reacted to lurid taunts from McGrath by telling him he should get the answers from his wife, who was recovering from radiation therapy for secondary cancer. The details:

McGrath: " So what does Brian Lara's d*ck taste like?"

Sarwan: "I don't know. Ask your wife. "

McGrath (losing it): "If you ever F*&king mention my wife again, I'll F*cking rip your F*fing throat out."

Mark Waugh Vs Adam Parore

Mark Waugh was standing at second slip, Adam Parore relatively new to cricket came to the crease played & missed the first ball.

Mark Waugh- "Ohh, I remember you from a couple years ago in Australia. You were sh*t then, you're fu*king useless now".

Parore- (Turning around) "Yeah, that's me & when I was there you were going out with that old, ugly sl*t & now I hear you've married her. You dumb c*nt ".

Ravi Shastri v/s Mike Whitney

Its common knowledge that Indian's usually don't resort to sledging, and the Aussies swear by it. In this rare occassion the tables had turned and it was the Aussies who were at the receiving end.

Shastri hits the ball towards Mike Whitney (the 12th man in the game) and looks for a single, this guy gets the ball in and says

Whitney: "If you leave the crease i'll break your f***ing head"

Shastri didn't bat an eyelid before replying : " If you could bat as well as you can talk you wouldn't be the f***ing 12th man"

Merv Hughes Vs Cronje

Merv Hughes was one of the greatest exponents of the fine "art" of sledging. Once during a tour game in South Africa Hughes was bowling to Hansie Cronje . It was an especially flat wicket and Cronje was hitting Hughes for fours and sixes all over the place.

After the umpteenth boundary, Hughes headed down the pitch, stood near Cronje, let out a fart and said: "Try hitting that for six." It was five minutes before the guffawing stopped and play could resume.

Robin Smith and Merv Hughes

During 1989 Lords Test, Merv Hughes said to Robin Smith after he played and missed: " You can't f*cking bat".

Simth replied, both with the bat and with words, he smashed Hughes to the boundry and said, " Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can't f*cking bat and you can't f*cking bowl ."

Team mates Sledging

England were playing Pakistan and, at what turned out to be a crucial moment later on, Frank Tyson managed to get an outside edge off a Pakistani batsman after the batsman had been frustrating them on a hot sweaty day. The ball went right through the hands of Raman Subba Rao who was standing in first slip and through his legs.

After the over Raman heads over to the bowler and says, "Sorry Frank, I should've closed my legs."

Frank Tyson, who didn't find any of this amusing, quipped back, "No, you bastard, your mother should have ."

Ian Healy Vs a Short chubby batsman

In one of the tour matches in South Africa, Australia played Hansie Cronje's province. Cronje was at the non strikers end, there was a short chubby batsman on strike.

Ian Healy yelled to Warne, " Bowl a Mars Bar half way down...We'll get him stumped"

Miandad Vs Lillee: The 'brats' clash

Miandad played Lillee to square leg and completed an easy run, with a collision taking place in the center. According to Miandad, Lillee had tried to block him in the path. After a verbal exchange, Lillee went ahead and kicked Miandad on his pads. Miandad, started charging towards Lillee with his bat lifted high above the head, as if to hit him. The umpire's intervention prevented what could have turned out to be a real assault had Miandad gone head with his plans. However, the picture of Miandad hurling his bat at Lillee made the whole incident look even worse, and was promptly declared as the most indignified incident in the history of Cricket.

Lillee's version, to this day, had Miandad first hitting him with the bat, and then swearing at him. He maintained that there was no contact from his side throughout the incident.

Note: The author is aware of the fact that this incident has nothing to do with sledging, but found the temptation of mentioning the episode was too hard to resist.

The Frog Jumping incident, 1992 India Vs Pakistan

India vs Pakistan matches are always a treat to watch, and if its the World Cup its stakes are even greater. Javed Miandad, the Bad boy of cricket, at the receiving end for once. Miffed by the verbals from Kiran More, he complains " Insaan khel rahe hain janwaar nahin" (Human beings are playing not animals).

And after a sharp run out chance, where Miandad closely survives Miandad starts jumping up and down, face distorted imitating Kiran More's appealing. A sight to behold. Pure comedy. Pakistan loses the match but go on to win the cup.

'I did it instinctively', Miandad later told. He added, 'Hey, is this the way you appeal for everything? Don't appeal like that '. You can also watch the video of the incident.

Dropped the Cup?

Perhaps the most famous sledge in a World Cup match took place the epic Super Six clash between Australia

and South Africa (in 2003). South Africa looked on course to a routine victory with Australian captain Steve Waugh at the crease and on 56. At that stage, Waugh clipped the ball in the air straight to South African fielder Herschelle Gibbs. In his haste, Gibbs dropped the ball when attempting to throw it in the air in celebration as he had not fully controlled it.

As he passed him, Waugh is said to have asked Gibbs: " How does it feel to have dropped the World Cup?".

Waugh carried on to make an unbeaten 120 and Australia posted an unlikely win and won the World Cup a few days later.

Waugh has however denied that quote, instead claiming that he said " looks like you've dropped the match".

Hughes Vs Miandad

The inimitable Merv Hughes has forgotten more about sledging than most people will ever know, so he was more than a little miffed to be on the receiving end in the 1991 Adelaide Test against Pakistan. Hughes and Javed Miandad almost came to blows after the Pakistani batsman dared to call big Merv a " fat bus conductor". But revenge was sweet for Hughes. A few balls later he finally got his man and as Miandad walked past, he could not resist shouting, " Tickets, please!"

Dennis Lillee Vs Sunil Gavaskar

Dennis Lillee and Sunil Gavaskar, were involved in a war of words in the 3rd Test, MCG, February 1981. A historic win for India in that Test would definitely not have taken place had Sunil Gavaskar

not calmed down. He clashed with Australian fast bowler Dennis Lillee, who Gavaskar claims abused him after claiming his wicket and the Indian captain asked non-striker Chetan Chauhan to walk off the field, forfeiting the match. Gavaskar was batting on 70 when Lillee appealed for a leg before decision. Gavaskar showed his bat to the umpire, indicating he had 'nicked' the ball before it hit his pads. Angry words were exchanged between the batsman and the bowler, and Lillee even went to the extent of pointing to the batsman the spot where the ball had his pads.

The decision went in favour of the bowler and as Gavaskar started his long, dejected walk back to the pavilion, Lillee turned around and abused him. That was it. Gavaskar snapped, and decided to forfeit the match.

Later, Gavaskar was to write in his book 'Idols': "That (the walkout) was the most regrettable incidents of my life. Whatever may be the provocation and whatever the reason, there was no justification for my action and I realize now that I did not behave the way a captain and sportsman should ."

Flintoff Vs Tino Best

Best, never short of a word or two when he is bowling, was done up like a kipper by the England all-rounder as West Indies slumped to defeat in the first Test. Flintoff saw his opponent preparing to face Giles' off-spin and shouted: " Watch the windows, Tino!"

The wind-up had the desired effect, causing Best to come charging out of his crease like a man possessed. He took a wild swing at the ball, missed and was promptly stumped by Geraint Jones. Not a broken window in sight. Flintoff could not contain himself and spent the next five minutes giggling like a teenager, as Best sat on the balcony rueing his stupidity.

Viv Richards to Gavaskar

Gavaskar had decided to relinquish his opening position and come in at no 4 for that test. But, Malcolm Marshall fired out Anshuman Gaekwad and Dilip Vengsarkar for ducks, setting the stage for Gavaskar to walk in at 0/2. And he thought there would be less pressure! Viv Richards says " Man, it don't matter where you come in to bat, the score is still zero."

Steve Waugh and Parthiv Patel

Amidst all the hype surrounding his farewell match, Steve Waugh had to contend with an unexpected dose of his own medicine from a player half his age.

As Waugh fought a grim battle to stave off defeat in the series-deciding fourth Test in Sydney, 19 year-old Indian wicket-keeper Parthiv Patel tried to unsettle the veteran batsman through some banter.

The baby-faced Patel egged on the 38 year-old stalwart to play one of his sweep shots one last time. The India 'keeper was saying, 'Come on, just one more of the famous slog-sweeps before you finish' Waugh replied: 'Look, show a bit of respect. You were in nappies when I debuted 18 years ago'.

Rod Marsh and Ian Botham

When Botham took guard in a Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words: " So how's your wife and my kids?"

Trueman and Aussie batsman

In an England v Australia Test during early 1960's Trueman was fielding close to the gate from the pavilion. As a new batsman came out he turned to shut the gate, Trueman said " Don't bother son, you won't be out there long enough. "

Daryll Cullinan and Shane Warne

As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had been waiting 2 years for another chance to humiliate him. " Looks like you spent it eating ," Cullinan retorted.

Adam Parore and Daryll Cullinan

Because Cullinan is well known for being Warne's bunny, New Zealand keeper Parore greeted the South African, carefully playing the first ball from kiwi Chris Harris, with a cry of: " Bowled Warnie!"

Malcolm Marshall and David Boon

Malcolm Marshall was bowling to David Boon who had played and missed a couple of times.

Marshall: " Now David, Are you going to get out now or am I going to have to bowl around the wicket and kill you? "

James Ormond and Mark Waugh

James Ormond had just come out to bat on an ashes tour and was greeted by MarkWaugh…

Mark : "F*ck me, look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here, there's no way you're good enough to play for England "

James: "Maybe not, but at least i'm the best player in my family".

Waugh Vs Jamie Siddons

In a Sheffield Shield game between NSW and SA, a Waugh twin (not sure which) was taking an enternity to take guard, asking the umpire for centre, middle and leg, two legs - the whole lot. Then he steps away towards leg side and has another look around the field, before re-checking centre.

Jamie Siddons is at slip, and decided enough is enough. He yells out."For christ sake, it's not a 'f*cken test match."

Waugh replies: " Of course it isn't ... You're here. "

Mother (in law) of all sledges

In the 1980's Ian Botham returned early from a tour of Pakistan, and on radio joked " Pakistan is the sort of country to send your mother in-law to ."

Needless to say the Pakistanis did not find this amusing, and when Pakistan defeated England in the 1992 World Cup Final, Aamer Sohail told Ian Botham " Why don't you send your mother-in-law out to play, she cannot do much worse."

Barmy Army Vs Shane Warne

England's "Barmy Army" recently decided to sledge leg spinner Shane Warne musically, and it has been described as boorishly personal, but effective.

The sledge was based on Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep - the "Where's your poppa gone?" Song. It has been converted to " Where's your missus gone?" (Warne had recently been divorced his wife)

Special Mention

Inzamam-ul-Haq once told Brett Lee to " stop bowling off spinners".

In the recent Karachi Test when Irfan Pathan came to bat in 2nd Innings Afridi shouted two times " O mera Shehzada aaya ! " (Oh! my prince has come)

I OWE MY MOTHER:

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION

"You better pray or that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC

" Because I said! So, ! that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is ! Gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION

"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION

"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother! Taught me about RECEIVING

"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS

"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite:

My mother taught me about JUSTICE

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Old Lady At The Sex Shop:

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: “Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?”

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: “Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.”

The old woman then asks: “Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss ththiickk?”

The clerk responds, “Yes we do.”

“Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ddddaaammmmnnn ttthingggg offffff?”

God Is Watching You:

A burglar breaks into a house and as he comes into the living room he hears " God is watching you".

Upon hearing this he looks around the room and sees a parrot in the corner and says," What is your name?".

The bird replies," Moses".

The burglar laughs and says, " What kind of idiot names thier parrot Moses?!"

And the bird replies, " The same idiot who named his Rottweiler - God ."

United State:



Question: Why the rate of divorce in USA is greater than any other country???

Answer: Because the husand and wife cannot stay in an UNITED STATE!!!