Make 'Em Act Fast:

George Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Posted by - Susheel Bist

Seven Hundred Ten:

Yesterday I was having some work done at the Ford dealer. A woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other, and the mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."

The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710 !!

He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."

Now go to the photo below to learn what a 710 is....

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Posted by - Susheel Bist

Pilots Vs Ground Crew:
Qantas is an airline company based in Australia.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a problem sheet, which conveys to the mechanics, problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The engineers read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the sheets before the next flight. Of course, the ground crews and engineers have a sense of humor. So, here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

(By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.)

Read on ....

P: The problem logged by the pilot

S: The solution and action taken by the engineers


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.


P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.


P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit


P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.


P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level .


P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for.


P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.


P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.


P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.


P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.


Posted by - Ravi Prasad

Penny, Brandy And ...

Three pastors and their wives were driving back from a revival when suddenly their van slid off the side of a cliff. Sadly, they were all killed.

At the Pearly Gates, Peter called the first couple forward. Looking through his book, Peter looked up at the first preacher and said sharply, "You hypocrite! All you ever cared about in your life was money! You've preached many times, 'Money is evil, money won't buy you happiness, money this, money that.' Yet you've hoarded money all your life! You were the wealthiest person in your whole community. In fact, you were so consumed with money that you married a woman named Penny, isn't that so?" he demanded.

Obviously shaken, the preacher meekly responded, "Y-yes sir, that's true."

"Well, you did preach the gospel, so I won't send you off to you know where, but you don't get to come in the front gate. You have to walk all the way around heaven and enter in the back door. Off you go!"

And the couple went shamefully on their way.

St. Peter leered at the next pastor and yelled, "And you! All you ever talked and cared about was alcohol! You often preached. "The bottle this, the bottle that." Yet, you've been drunk nearly every time you've preached. In fact, you were so consumed with alcohol and drinking that you married a woman named Brandy, isn't that so?" he accused.

The pastor only nodded in shame.

"Well, you also preached a powerful sermon -- despite being drunk -- so no hell for you either. But you don't get to come in the front gate either. You have to walk all the way around heaven and enter the back door. Off with you!"

And the couple slowly shuffled off.

"And you! " St. Peter began.

The third pastor held up his hand to silence St. Peter and turned to his wife and said, "We'd better start walking, Fanny."

Bad Parrot:

Jimmy received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music... anything he could think of. Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.

Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavour to correct my behavior".

Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"

Golf Balls:

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to of all people a beautiful, you guessed it, blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".

Never-the-less, the blonde continued to look at him thought-fully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Divorced Barbie:

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.

He drove to the shopping centre and ran to the toyshop and he asked the manager: "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

The Manager replied: "Which one? We have 'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95 'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95, and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00."

"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?" the dad asked.

"Divorced Barbie' comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture," replied the manager.

The World Without Engineers:

Aeronautical Engineering:

Civil Engineering:

Communications Engineering:

Computer Engineering:

Electronics Engineering:

Mechanical Engineering:

Meet The World:

Truth: This was a campaign started by magazine Revista Grande Reportagem which is a Hard Journalism magazine. The idea was to bring across the concept that the magazine offers profound journalism about topics of real importance to the world of today.

This is how they thought of the concept "Meet the World".

They started to research relevant, global, and current facts and, thus, came up with the idea to put new meanings to the colours of the flags and used real data taken from the websites of Amnesty International and the UNO.

The campaign has been running in Portugal since January 2005. There are eight flags that portray very current topics like the division of opinions about the war in Iraq in the United States, the violence against women in Africa, the social inequality in Brazil, the drug trafficking in Columbia, Aids and malaria in Angola, etc.

Hoax: A Norwegian diplomat, Charung Gollar, was asked to present the UN with a graphic presentation showing the main problems in the world in 2004.

He presented a set of 8 pictures entitled “The power of stars” and was applauded for the simplicity of his idea. In spite of having no pretension at all, his work was presented to participate to the Nobel Prize of Political Marketing.

Attached are the 8 pictures presented. Read the legends…

(Click the Pictures for a Larger View)

Angola:

Brazil:

Burkina Faso:

China:

Colombia:

European Union:

Somalia:

USA:

BC:

During the days of the British-Empire, Her Highness Lady Smith- wife of British Army General, was planning a holiday trip to the Indian countryside. The responsibility, for her accommodation, was entrusted upon the concerned village Head-Master (Mr. HM). He appeared thrilled to have got a chance to welcome her in his private "Guest-House". Mrs. Smith, however, had a serious concern - "Did her lodging include a 'BC'??" In England, a 'BC' commonly stands for 'Bathroom-Commode'. She wrote a letter to Mr. HM, enquiring about the same.

Now....

Mr. HM, happened to be a mighty 'Scholar'!! Despite agonizing attempts, he couldn't decipher the meaning of 'BC' & asked for every possible help around. Fellow-villagers were even 'Smarter'!! For two successive nights, they just thought... & thought... & thought... And finally... after pondering over several possible meanings, they concluded that, perhaps Ma'm had asked for 'Baptist-Church' (BC).............

The idea of a 'Bathroom-Commode', could NOT make an entry into their 'Collective-Intelligence'. After painful efforts, Mr. HM managed to jot a letter & posted back to London. She received & started reading: -

"Darling Madam,

I take great pleasure in informing you that, the 'BC' is located 9 miles from the Guest-House, in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely gardens. You do appreciate our sense of beauty, don't you?? It's a sort of a community-hall for our entire village. Well, that's the tradition here. It's capable of holding 250 people at one go & is open on Sundays & Thursdays only. As a huge crowd's expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early. There's, however, plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation, especially, if you are in the habit of 'going regularly'.

You'd be pleased to know that, my daughter was married in the 'BC'. That's where she had met her future husband. It was a wonderful event. 10 people on every seat. It was heart-warming to see the facial expressions of my kith & kin. My wife, sadly, has been ill & unable to go recently. It has been 1 year since she went last, which pains her terribly. You'll be pleased to know that many of our folks bring their lunch & make a day of it. Like a 'Picnic Party'. Others prefer to wait till the last minute & arrive just in time!

I'd recommend your Elite-Ladyship, to go on a Thursday, as there's a musical accompaniment too. The acoustics are excellent & even the most delicate sound can be heard far off. The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters. We are providing plush seats for all, since many feel it's long over-due. I look forward to escorting you myself to such a seat, from where all can view you in full glory.

With lots of love, your beloved, Head-Master..... !"

Posted by - Cammy

After 50 Years:

The wife approaches her husband, wearing the same, sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looks up at her and replies, "Yes dear, i do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

"That's right," she says. "And do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?"

"Well honey, as I recall it, I had said, "Ohhhhhh, baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits ans screw your brains out!"

She giggles, "Yes, that was it. That was exactly what you said. Now it's 50 years later and I/m in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?

He looks her up and down and says, "Mission accomplished."

Multi-Purpose Laptops:

Introducing for the very first time!!!

A whole new range of limited edition multi-purpose laptops !!!

Bet you want one today !!!

Hah! And you thought you can use a laptop for only one thing !!!

Must Be A Lawyer:

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible that he could be out there practicing law.

If I Die:

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: Definitely not!

WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND: Of course I do.

WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?

WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.

WIFE: - silence - -

HUSBAND: F**k!!!!!!!!!

Murphy's Technology Laws:

Murphy's Technology Law #1 -- You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Murphy's Technology Law #2 -- Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Murphy's Technology Law #3 -- Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

Murphy's Technology Law #4 -- If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

Murphy's Technology Law #5 -- All great discoveries are made by mistake.

Murphy's Technology Law #6 -- Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

Murphy's Technology Law #7 -- All's well that ends... period.

Murphy's Technology Law #8 -- A meeting is an event at which minutes are kept and hours are lost.

Murphy's Technology Law #9 -- The first myth of management is that it exists.

Murphy's Technology Law #10 -- A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.

Murphy's Technology Law #11 -- New systems generate new problems.

Murphy's Technology Law #12 -- Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Murphy's Technology Law #13 -- A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.

Only In Russia:

Sun Bathing:

Agriculture:

Officers On Duty:

Employment:

Auto & Transport:

Housing:

Sea Vs Sea Of Humanity:

Day at a beach in China...









Posted by - Nick