And You Thought That Your Job Sucked:

1. You always complain that there's a lot at stake as you climb up the ladder, but now you know what it takes to work at the top -

2. You blamed the management for increasing the no. of cubicles on your floor and that it has crowded your workplace...

3. So your Cubicle ain't big enough for the stuffed toy you brought along to decorate it, then have a look at this-

4. Now you would not say that your job is as tough as biting a bullet...

5. And finally, this would be the last time you ever gonna say that you take a lotta shit from others... 'cause you don't know what it actually means...

The Good, The Bad And The Worse:

Good: The teacher thinks your son's great.
Bad: In bed.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.

Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.

Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.

Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.
Bad: She's eleven.

Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.

Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.

Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.

Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.

Bad: Your husband's a cross-dresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.

Upgrade To Husband From Boyfriend:


Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0 and PremierLeague 7.2. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

Signed:

Desperate Wife


- - - - -Reply Separator- - - - -

Dear Desperate Wife,

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause damage, with Husband 1.0 defaulting to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files.

Be especially cautious about the HotChik virus – it’s programmed to corrupt Husband 1.0 utterly (as well as all future Husband upgrades).

DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Keep-a-nice-body 10.1.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

Ad Mad - Hilarious Ads:

1. McDonald's - "Enjoy Our Broadest Menu Ever"

2. Land Rover - "The New 2007 Defender: More Torque, More Gears, More Pull"

3. M TV - "Hear What You Like"

4. Blowers - "Mouth to Mouth Resuscitation"

5. Blowers - "Share a Drink"

6. Blowers - "Kiss"

7. Mylanta - "For Quick Relief"

Things To Do When Your Colleagues Are Away:

Know someone at work who always seems to be on holiday or annual leave?

Or always taking “business trips”?

Or maybe they’ve just got a shockingly low immune system and always sick? (the poor love)

Well here are a couple of ideas to let them know that you thought of them while they were gone...

#1 – Leave them some flowers

#2 – Leave them some To-Do memos

#3 – Spruce up their work area with some creative décor.

#4 – Everyone loves presents! Unwrapping presents is half the fun!

#5 – Clean their workspace. And to make sure it stays clean, protect it with something.

#6 – Let them know you looked after their workspace while they were gone and kept “undesirables” at bay.

#7 – Hand-made gifts. We all love them. A little masking tape and some Styrofoam goes a long way!

#8 – And finally…

if they’ve had a bit of an “extended” leave, remind them that not much has changed since they’ve been gone.

Kidnapped Buffalo In Court:

Once again !!! Here is an incredibly hilarious true incident.... and of course.... It can happen only in India....

Kidnapped buffalo in court
14 Dec 2007, 0111 hrs IST,TNN

HAVERI: This kidnap story ended in court. Nothing unusual about that. But when the victim ambled into the additional civil court's premises here on Thursday under police protection and bellowed, it created headline news.

The case relates to a buffalo kidnapped from one village and taken to another.

When the complainant pleaded that, as an interim measure, the buffalo be given to Kanavalli village as its presence was required for a religious jatra, judge Padmaprasad consented.

Tippanna Mailannavar, a member of the Kanavalli gram panchayat, has been allowed to keep the buffalo until further orders.

Tippanna told The Times of India the male buffalo - presented to the village goddess of Kanavalli in 2005 - was kidnapped on Nov. 18 by residents of Motebennur village to be offered in sacrifice at their jatra.

Basavaraj Kalasur, a member of the Kanavalli temple trust committee, said they needed the buffalo for their village jatra, scheduled for the first week of January. But Bhojaraj Ballary, the main accused, denied kidnapping the bovine and maintained it belonged to their village deity.

Tippanna and others from Kanavalli lodged a complaint with the Guttal police. When no action was forthcoming, he moved the Haveri court.

The judge appointed S M Katagi as court commissioner and asked him to produce the buffalo, along with the vehicle used in the kidnapping, in the court.

In compliance with the judge's order, the buffalo was brought to the court on Thursday. The mute subject of the legal row must be as eager as Kanavalli and Motebennur are to know the final verdict.

Original Article: http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/Cities/Kidnapped_buffalo_in_court/articleshow/2621126.cms

Word Of Inspiration:

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the Hospital, near death.

The family called their pastor to Stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The Pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to Look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his Jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I Haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Asshole, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

Not This Time:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "! Not this time!"

Beer For A Cent:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

Excuse For The Exam:

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says,

"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Pretend To Be A Statue:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

Hello Mate! How You Doin' ?


I walked into the toilets at work the other day where I found two cubicles, of which one was already occupied. So I entered the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

Then this voice comes from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?"

I thought it a bit strange, but not wanting to be rude I replied "Yeah, not too bad thanks."

After a short pause, I heard the voice again:- "So, what are you up to mate?"

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly it must be said. Unsure quite who this was or what to say, I replied, "Umm, I was just going to have a quick xxx I think. Er, what about yourself?"

I then heard the voice for the third time ....

"Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. There's some idiot in the loo next to me answering everything I say."

Honey! Look What I've Got:


A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must! be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"Honey! I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"

Hindu gods get summons from court:

Reported by BBC, this is an absolutely hilarious & true incident happened in India....Surely.... It Happens Only In India ;-)

A judge in India has summoned two Hindu gods, Ram and Hanuman, to help resolve a property dispute.

Judge Sunil Kumar Singh in the eastern state of Jharkhand has issued adverts in newspapers asking the gods to "appear before the court personally".

The gods have been asked to appear before the court on Tuesday, after the judge said that letters addressed to them had gone unanswered.

Ram and Hanuman are among the most popular Indian Hindu gods.

Judge Singh presides in a "fast track" court - designed to resolve disputes quickly - in the city of Dhanbad.

The dispute is now 20 years old and revolves around the ownership of a 1.4 acre plot of land housing two temples.

The deities of Ram and Hanuman, the monkey god, are worshipped at the two temples on the land.

Temple priest Manmohan Pathak claims the land belongs to him. Locals say it belongs to the two deities.

The two sides first went to court in 1987.

A few years ago, the dispute was settled in favour of the locals. Then Mr Pathak challenged the verdict in a fast track court.

Judge Singh sent out two notices to the deities, but they were returned as the addresses were found to be "incomplete".

This prompted him to put out adverts in local newspapers summoning the gods.

"You failed to appear in court despite notices sent by a peon and later through registered post. You are herby directed to appear before the court personally", Judge Singh's notice said.

The two Hindu gods have been summoned as the defence claimed that they were owners of the disputed land.

"Since the land has been donated to the gods, it is necessary to make them a party to the case," local lawyer Bijan Rawani said.

Mr Pathak said the land was given to his grandfather by a former local king.

Original Article : http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/7132124.stm

How To Marry A Rich Guy:


A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:

Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?

I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here. I'm 25 this year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above. You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York. My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married? I wanted to ask: What should I do to marry rich persons like you? Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit. If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York City Garden ( ? ) , $250k annual income is not enough.

I'm here humbly to ask a few questions:

1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the name and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)

2) Which age group should I target?

3) Why most wives of the riches is only average-looking? I've met a few girls who doesn't have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys.

4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)


Here's a reply from a Wall Street Financial guy:

Dear Ms. Pretty,

I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyze your situation as a professional investor. My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I'm not wasting time here.

From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain. Put the details aside, what you're trying to do is an exchange of "beauty" and "money": Person "A" provides beauty, and Person "B" pays for it, fair and square. However, there's a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can't be prettier year after year. Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It's not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worried 10 years later.

By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a "trading position". If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term - same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or "leased". Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income. This has better chance than finding a rich fool.

Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in "leasing" services, do contact me.

signed,

J.P. Morgan

Posted by - Shuchi Agrawal

The Talking Clock:

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to the bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that brass gong for?" asked the friend.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? How's it work?"

"Watch this," said the drunk. He took a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and waited. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "Hey, you jerk. It's 3:00 in the morning!"

Street Name:

A young man called directory assistance. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona."

"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?"

The young man hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man."

Office Memo - MisCommunication:

Memo from CEO to Manager:

Today at 11 o' clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun dissappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen everyday, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the parking lot. Staff should meet in the lot at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.

Memo from Manager to Department Head:

Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will appear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles. The CEO will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some information. This is not something that can be seen everyday.

Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:

The CEO will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the form of an eclipse. This is something that cannot be seen everyday, so the staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.

Memo from the Floor Manager to Supervisor:

Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the CEO will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will be safe, and as usual it will cost you.

Memo from Supervisor to Staff:

Some staff will go to the car park today to see the CEO disappear. It is a pity this doesn't happen everyday.

Can't Chew The Nuts:

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway When he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " Why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?".

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied,

"We just love the chocolate around them."


Posted by - Shuchi Agrawal

Ferrari For Collateral:

This is not a story but a true incident that happened in USA.

An Indian man walked into a bank in New York City one day and asked for the loan officer.

He told the loan officer that he was going to India on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan. The Indian man handed over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produced the title and everything checked out.

The loan officer agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Indian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.

Two weeks later, the Indian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest, which came to $15.41.

The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "$5,000".

The Indian replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return'"

Posted by - Anitha VN

Confession On Deathbed:

Of Married Men And Their Wives:


1. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

2. My wife and I were very happy for twenty years. Then we met.

3. A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

4. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

5. Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

6. A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine".

7. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

8. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

9. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

10. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

11. It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

12. How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

13. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

If Microsoft Made Cars:

At a computer expo Bill Gates compared the computer industry to the automotive industry by stating:

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars that cost $25.00 and get 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bills comment, General Motors issued a press release making the following statement:

"If we (GM) had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1) For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice per day.

2) Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3) Your car would occasionally stop on the freeway without reason. In order to get started again, you would have to pull off to the side of the road; close all the windows shut off the car restart it and open all the windows again. For some unknown reason, you would simply do this without question.

4) Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5) Only one person could use the car at one time unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT", but then you would also have to buy more seats.

6) The new seats you would need would force everyone to have the same size butt.

7) You would press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

8) The oil warning light, water warning light, and alternator warning light would all be replaced by a single "Unidentified System Error" light.

9) The air bag would ask your freshly mangled body, “are you sure" before going off.

10) Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you back in until you simultaneously lifted the driver side door handle, turned the key, and grabbed the radio antenna.

11) The radio antenna would be internally mounted on the passenger side of the car.

12) Buying a new car would force you to also purchase a new set of Deluxe Rand McNally road maps, despite the fact that you neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause your cars performance to diminish by 50% or more.

13) Every time GM introduced a new car, people would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the old controls would function in the new car.

14) Macintosh would make a car that was five times faster, ten times more reliable and easier to maintain, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads."

Hard Way To Get Easy Money:

Middle-Aged Women Complaining About Sex:

Here is an absolutely hilarious article I came across about women complaining about sex.

Don't know about who has written it but is really very funny.

RANT: Middle-Aged Women complaining about sex!

Date: 2007-02-14, 11:44AM CST

I am sooooo f'ing tired about middle-aged women who complain about sex! First off, as a guy, we have so much pressure on us to perform it's unreal! Can I get a "hard on"? How long can I last? Can I make her orgasm SEVERAL times? Can I stay awake afterwards?!!!!! WTF!!! Do you women realize the enormous amount of work needed to have sex at 40?!!!!!

Let's go back to our teenage years WHEN I COULDN'T KEEP MY HANDS OFF OF YOU!!! Recall when I wanted to have sex in the stairway, at the bus stop, during gym under the bleachers, after school before my parents got home, in the parked car, and even climb through your window at night while your parents were asleep?!!!! AND THAT WAS ALL IN ONE DAY!!! Hell, I could last for hours, shoot my load, and be ready to go again in 15 minutes!!! But what did I hear from you, a young, demure, selfish, cock tease?!!! "No...wait till tomorrow.", "Let's just cuddle.", "The cat is watching.", and the classic "Is that all you think I'm good for?"!!!!!

Well ladies, the shoe is on the other foot and guess what? I'm tired!!! I'm tired from sheer exhaustion of chasing your cock teasing ass for the last 25 years!!!! Constantly, going home with "blue balls" and "whacking off" because you want me to "respect you in the morning"!!!! Well guess what years of cock abuse has done to my sex drive?!!!!

Yes ladies, it's your fault I have no interest in sex! Not getting any and whacking off to porn for 25 years has desensitized my nerve endings to the point that I feel nothing from my navel to my knees!!!! Fantasizing about every possible way of f'ing your brains out has distorted reality for me!!! You, walking in with nothing on under a fur coat pales in comparison to me fantasizing about you rimming my ass while I fuck your sister in front of 18,000 adoring fans at the United Center!!!!

It's your fault for teasing away the most potent years of my life. You should have taken advantage of my erections from your cat jumping on my crotch when you had the chance, but nooooooo!!!! You wanted to babysit your neice and "pretend" we were a family!!!!

Now, in the height of your sex drive, you want muah to pin your legs behind your ears after a long day at work, and give it to you for more than 10 minutes a month?!!!!! PUH-LEASE!!!! Nope! You see...now you will suffer the same inglorious defeat I experienced many moons ago. So....go to 'The Exotic Emporium', get yourself a multi-speed, gyrating, flesh feeling, thingamabob, a handful of Peter North dvds, and come up with creative ways to sneak around the house and have yourself a little "Par-tay"!!!! Otherwise, be prepared to wine me, dine me, take me golfing, and stroke my little ego until I'M IN THE MOOD!!!

And...don't give me that crap about going out and getting some "young, dumb, and full of cum" kid. I'll divorce your ass so fast your fallopians will get twisted!!! AND afterward, I will get the chance to re-live those glory years with some young, nubile, tight bodied, coed looking for a sugar daddy! (Even if it is once a month!) Better than thinking of her while trying to have sex with your old, sagging, "has-been" ass!!!

So, the next time you think about making some smart ass remark like, "Mr. 5 minute man.", or "I didn't even get started." just remember that 25 years of neglect is the reason why Mr. Willie doesn't get excited to see you anymore!!!!

What People Say In An Interview And What They Actually Mean:

"I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:"
I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

"I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:"
I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:"
I've used Microsoft Office.

"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:"
I pilfer office supplies.

"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:"
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:"
I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED:"
I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.

"I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:"
I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.

"I'M PERSONABLE:"
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

"I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:"
As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.

"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:"
I carry a Day-Timer.

"MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:"
You're probably looking for someone more experienced.

"I AM ADAPTABLE:"
I've changed jobs a lot.

"I AM ON THE GO:"
I'm never at my desk.

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:"
The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there.

"I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:"
I'm a college drop-out.

"I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS:"
I've been accused of sexual harassment.

"THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:"
Wait! Don't throw me away!

"I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:"
Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

International Symbol Of Marriage Is Approved:

New York-AP-
On April 21, 2005, After 5 years of heated debate, the Commission of Human Rights approved the new "International Symbol of Marriage":

Now, the phrase "I accept thee and all thy major credit cards" will be written into all Marriage Ceremonies.

Agriculture Rep:

A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked to the old farmer;

"I need to inspect your farm."

The old farmer said: "OK, but you better not go in that field."

In a wise-arse tone the Ag. Representative said, "I have the authority of the U. S. Government with me. See this card..?"

He stuck a plastic-coated card in the farmer's face.

"This card says I can go wherever I want to on an agricultural land."

The old farmer shrugged and went about his farm chores. Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture rep running for the fence.

Close behind was the farmer's prize bull, Geronimo.

Geronimo was madder than a nest full of hornets and he was gaining on the Ag Rep with every angry snort.

The farmer shouted, "Show him your card !"

Posted by - Deepthi B.

When Corporate Giants Clash... Through Ads:

1. BMW started it...

2. Audi answered...

3. Subaru needed to say something...

4. Bentley's Chairman had the last word...

Posted by - Deepthi B.

Directions To My House:

A young lady is giving directions to her new boyfriend to get to her apartment.

She says: ''You come to the front door of the apartment complex where I live and look for apartment 14A, and with your elbow push button 14A. Come inside and you'll find the elevator on the right. With your elbow hit 14. When you get out of the elevator you'll find my apartment on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell and I'll open the door for you''

The boyfriend says: ''Dear, that sounds very easy to find, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?''

"Oh my God!! You're not coming empty-handed, are you?''

Posted by - Amit S

I Am A Light Bulb:

"I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing?

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".

I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her,

"...And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

Posted by - Amit S

Celebs - As Funny As They Can Get III:

David Letterman

"New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move."

Jon Stewart

"Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving. That's a good thing. He's getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on."

George Burns

"Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made."

Groucho Marx

"I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for member."

Steven Wright

"I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked "Do you have any firearms with you?"
I said: "What do you need?""

Rodney Dangerfield

"I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy " I tell him I want a second opinion.He says, ‘Okay, you're ugly too!""

Brian Kiley

"My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters."

Laura Kightlinger

"I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead."

Paul Rodriguez

"My father heard the story of the Menendez brothers. He quit playing the lottery. He said ‘Screw it, I’ve got twelve kids. Any one of them could snap.""

Ronnie Shakes
"After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes..
He said, "No hablo ingles.""

Bill Maher

"I believe Dr. Kevorkian is onto something. I think he’s great. Because suicide is our way of saying to God, "You can’t fire me. I quit.""

And the Best of All...

Paula Poundstone

"The guy who shot Robert Kennedy, Sirhan Sirhan, goes up for parole every year. Once he even told the parole board that if Kennedy was alive today, he would speak in his favor and say let him go. What a tough break, you know? The one guy who would have supported him, and he shot him."