What People Say In An Interview And What They Actually Mean:

"I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:"
I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

"I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:"
I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:"
I've used Microsoft Office.

"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:"
I pilfer office supplies.

"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:"
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:"
I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED:"
I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.

"I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:"
I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.

"I'M PERSONABLE:"
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

"I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:"
As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.

"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:"
I carry a Day-Timer.

"MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:"
You're probably looking for someone more experienced.

"I AM ADAPTABLE:"
I've changed jobs a lot.

"I AM ON THE GO:"
I'm never at my desk.

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:"
The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there.

"I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:"
I'm a college drop-out.

"I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS:"
I've been accused of sexual harassment.

"THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:"
Wait! Don't throw me away!

"I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:"
Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.