Mother Superiors Wisdom:
The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.
One nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother," the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before you die.
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said,
"Don't sell that cow."
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Meaning Of Entrepreneurship :
A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist named John complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.
"Not very long," answered the Mexican.
"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked John.
The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.
"But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, make love to my wife. In the evenings I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. I have a full life."
The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Stanford and I can help you. You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New Jersey! From there you can direct your huge Enterprise."
"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years."
"And after that?"
"Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting. When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make Millions!"
"Millions? Really? And after that?"
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your grand-children, catch a few fish, make love to your wife, and spend your evenings drinking and playing the guitar with your friends!"
A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist named John complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.
"Not very long," answered the Mexican.
"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked John.
The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.
"But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, make love to my wife. In the evenings I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. I have a full life."
The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Stanford and I can help you. You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New Jersey! From there you can direct your huge Enterprise."
"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years."
"And after that?"
"Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting. When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make Millions!"
"Millions? Really? And after that?"
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your grand-children, catch a few fish, make love to your wife, and spend your evenings drinking and playing the guitar with your friends!"
You Have All The Right Equipment:
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The
Husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn, the wife likes to read. One
Morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to
Take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take
The boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to
Read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and
Says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, isn't that obvious?)
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
Moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
Woman.
"But I haven't even touched you!!" says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
At any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think. ;-)
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The
Husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn, the wife likes to read. One
Morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to
Take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take
The boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to
Read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and
Says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, isn't that obvious?)
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
Moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
Woman.
"But I haven't even touched you!!" says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
At any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think. ;-)
Feels Like It:
A middle-aged executive was becoming Increasingly irritated by the constant ribbing he was taking from the Junior employees who couldn't resist making fun of his baldness.
One Morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his hand Across the older man's gleaming head while loudly exclaiming:
"Feels Just like my wife's ass."
With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging Executive rubbed his hand across his head.
"You're right," he said, "It Does..."
A middle-aged executive was becoming Increasingly irritated by the constant ribbing he was taking from the Junior employees who couldn't resist making fun of his baldness.
One Morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his hand Across the older man's gleaming head while loudly exclaiming:
"Feels Just like my wife's ass."
With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging Executive rubbed his hand across his head.
"You're right," he said, "It Does..."
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Slow Down Or Stop :
A guy runs a stop sign and gets caught by a policeman.
Cop says, "License and registration, please."
Guy says, "What for?"
Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Guy says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
Registration, please."
Guy says, "What's the difference?"
Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete
Stop. License and registration, PLEASE!"
Guy says, "If you can show me the difference between slow down
And stop, I'll give you my license and registration."
Cop says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the cop takes
Out his nightstick and starts beating the shit out of the guy and
Says,
"Do you want me to slow down or stop?
A guy runs a stop sign and gets caught by a policeman.
Cop says, "License and registration, please."
Guy says, "What for?"
Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Guy says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
Registration, please."
Guy says, "What's the difference?"
Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete
Stop. License and registration, PLEASE!"
Guy says, "If you can show me the difference between slow down
And stop, I'll give you my license and registration."
Cop says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the cop takes
Out his nightstick and starts beating the shit out of the guy and
Says,
"Do you want me to slow down or stop?
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Friday, September 08, 2006
Duke !!! :
A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time for dinner.
After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy's chair.
Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and the boy really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.
"Duke!" the dad yelled.
"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks the dog is farting!" so he let out another one.
"Duke!" the father barked.
The boy thought he was homefree so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.
"Duke! Get outa there before he craps on your head!
A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time for dinner.
After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy's chair.
Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and the boy really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.
"Duke!" the dad yelled.
"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks the dog is farting!" so he let out another one.
"Duke!" the father barked.
The boy thought he was homefree so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.
"Duke! Get outa there before he craps on your head!
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Its Dark In Here, Isn't It? :
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.
One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, " Its dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK, How much?" the man replies after considering the position he was in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats. "That's awful expensive", but because of the position he was in agreed to the price.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his dis-advantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't, I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that crap in here," the priest says.
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.
One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, " Its dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK, How much?" the man replies after considering the position he was in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats. "That's awful expensive", but because of the position he was in agreed to the price.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his dis-advantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't, I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that crap in here," the priest says.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Watch And Learn:
Three New Zealanders and three Aussies are traveling by train to a cricket match at the World Cup in England.
At the station, the three Kiwis each buy a ticket and watch as the three Aussies buy just one ticket between them.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Kiwis.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the Aussies.
They all board the train. The Kiwis take their respective seats but all three Aussies cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Tickets please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Kiwis see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Aussies on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies don't buy a ticket at all!!
"How are you all going to travel without any ticket?" says one perplexed Kiwi.
"Watch and learn," answers an Aussie.
When they board the train the three Kiwis cram into a toilet and soon after the three Aussies cram into another nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Kiwis are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."
Three New Zealanders and three Aussies are traveling by train to a cricket match at the World Cup in England.
At the station, the three Kiwis each buy a ticket and watch as the three Aussies buy just one ticket between them.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Kiwis.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the Aussies.
They all board the train. The Kiwis take their respective seats but all three Aussies cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Tickets please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Kiwis see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Aussies on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies don't buy a ticket at all!!
"How are you all going to travel without any ticket?" says one perplexed Kiwi.
"Watch and learn," answers an Aussie.
When they board the train the three Kiwis cram into a toilet and soon after the three Aussies cram into another nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Kiwis are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Six Best Women Drivers in the World:
After a rigorous competition from women all over the world we have the results of the best women drivers:
Award for the Sixth Best Women Driver goes too
After a rigorous competition from women all over the world we have the results of the best women drivers:
Award for the Sixth Best Women Driver goes too
Fifth Best
Fourth Best
Third Best
And the Runner Up is
And the Winner with Unanimous Decision is
That's all for now fellas...
Attention All Men:
Do women call you Fatty ?
Do women call you Baldy?
Do women call you Ugly?
Do women call you Shortie?
Do women call you Stupid?
Do women call you Loser?
Are you over 30, 40, 50, 60, or even 70?
Worst of all, have the women completely lost interest in you?
Do not despair.
Now there is a new "Male Beauty Product" on the market that will change all of that!
Blonde to Melbourne:
A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "You say she's blonde?, I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, I speak blonde!" He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear.
She says "Oh, I'm sorry," gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne."
A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "You say she's blonde?, I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, I speak blonde!" He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear.
She says "Oh, I'm sorry," gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne."
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