Thursday, January 31, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Do You Know Where God Is?
Two little boys, aged 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They always get into trouble and their parents know all about it. Any mischief in the town and the people know that the two boys are probably involved.
One day the boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, made the boy sit and asked him sternly,
"Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he didn't answer, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,
"Where is God?!"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed,
"WHERE IS GOD?!"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,
"We are in really BIG trouble this time."
"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"
Two little boys, aged 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They always get into trouble and their parents know all about it. Any mischief in the town and the people know that the two boys are probably involved.
One day the boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, made the boy sit and asked him sternly,
"Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he didn't answer, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,
"Where is God?!"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed,
"WHERE IS GOD?!"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,
"We are in really BIG trouble this time."
"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"
I Slept Perfectly Well:
A wife awoke early one morning to the sounds of her husband angrily banging around pots and pans in the kitchen.
When she goes downstairs, she finds that he is looking for something to eat but, more importantly, is very upset about something.
"What's the problem, darling? Didn't your program work?"
"It worked. I wrote that code until the wee hours of the morning, and it worked!"
"Then what's the matter? Were there a lot of bugs in it?"
"I took special pains to eliminate the bugs. It worked, and it worked perfectly!"
"So what's wrong?"
"I was so tired when I finished, I decided to take a little nap, just for a few minutes."
"Did you not sleep well? Did you have a nightmare?" the concerned wife inquired.
"No, I slept perfectly well ... with my head on the backspace key."
Posted by - Manish Chopra
A wife awoke early one morning to the sounds of her husband angrily banging around pots and pans in the kitchen.
When she goes downstairs, she finds that he is looking for something to eat but, more importantly, is very upset about something.
"What's the problem, darling? Didn't your program work?"
"It worked. I wrote that code until the wee hours of the morning, and it worked!"
"Then what's the matter? Were there a lot of bugs in it?"
"I took special pains to eliminate the bugs. It worked, and it worked perfectly!"
"So what's wrong?"
"I was so tired when I finished, I decided to take a little nap, just for a few minutes."
"Did you not sleep well? Did you have a nightmare?" the concerned wife inquired.
"No, I slept perfectly well ... with my head on the backspace key."
Posted by - Manish Chopra
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Common Misconceptions About Food And Diet:
Finally! We have found the answers to all the questions which the health conscious people around the world have been looking for...
They have been mis leaded a lot by the so called health magazines and dietitians...
Now we have an expert who would clear all their misconception about food and diet... ;-)
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a lamb eat? Leaves and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a kabab is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain?
Eat chicken .
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Its only the misconception, that narrow minded people have. So, Bottoms up!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable ! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
About food and diets..........
Finally! We have found the answers to all the questions which the health conscious people around the world have been looking for...
They have been mis leaded a lot by the so called health magazines and dietitians...
Now we have an expert who would clear all their misconception about food and diet... ;-)
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a lamb eat? Leaves and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a kabab is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain?
Eat chicken .
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Its only the misconception, that narrow minded people have. So, Bottoms up!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable ! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
About food and diets..........
Monday, January 21, 2008
To Know I'm Drunk:
A man walks into a bar and orders a pint. The Barman hands him the pint, and when he finish drinking it he pulls something from his back-pocket, looks at it for a while, places it back in his pocket and orders another pint. After finishing his second pint the man again produces the same bit of paper from his pocket, looks at it, puts it back in his pocket and order another pint.
When the barman brings him his drink he asks the man, "What do you keep looking at after every drink?"
To which the man replies, "It's a picture of my wife. As soon as she starts to look good, I know I've had too much."
A man walks into a bar and orders a pint. The Barman hands him the pint, and when he finish drinking it he pulls something from his back-pocket, looks at it for a while, places it back in his pocket and orders another pint. After finishing his second pint the man again produces the same bit of paper from his pocket, looks at it, puts it back in his pocket and order another pint.
When the barman brings him his drink he asks the man, "What do you keep looking at after every drink?"
To which the man replies, "It's a picture of my wife. As soon as she starts to look good, I know I've had too much."
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Specialty In Babies:
After years of frustration, the Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good Morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come too..."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?", the photographer asked, "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?", asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult?", asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four to five deep?", asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said, "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith Leaned forward, "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh...equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you are ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much to big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?... Good Lord, she's fainted!!!"
After years of frustration, the Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family.On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good Morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come too..."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?", the photographer asked, "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?", asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult?", asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four to five deep?", asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said, "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith Leaned forward, "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh...equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you are ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much to big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?... Good Lord, she's fainted!!!"
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Watch The Watch:
It was the opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took the stage he announces, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two to three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit", said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to cleanup the theater!
It was the opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took the stage he announces, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two to three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit", said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to cleanup the theater!
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