"Worm" In The Hole:

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.

He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that Hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the Worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The Grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

Gimme A Push:

A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud Pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a Drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning! He Slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it's 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out There!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, About three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding Rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes"comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

Marketing Concepts Made Easy:

A Professor at one of the IIM's (INDIA) was explaining marketing concepts to
the Students:-

1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: "He's very rich. Marry him." - That's Advertising

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me." - That's Telemarketing

4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car) for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say:
"By the way, I'm rich. Will you marry me?" - That's Public Relations

5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and
says: "You are very rich! Can you marry ! me?" - That's Brand Recognition

6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say:
I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. - That's Customer Feedback

7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say:
"I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband. - That's Demand and Supply Gap

8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before
you say anything, another person come and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you
marry me?" and she goes with him - That's competition eating into your
market share

9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before
you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your wife arrives. - That's restriction for entering new markets


Posted by - Swekha Menon

Please Enter Your Password:


A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife’s attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed….

P
E
N
I
S

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

-
-
-
-
-
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

Will You Do It For A Girl Or A Million Dollars? :

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed.

He said, "That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy catches his breath, then says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the bastard who pushed me in the pool!"

What Would You Do? :

A new recruit police officer had almost finished his interview, and the interviewer asked him the last question which was:

"You are on duty. A car crashes in the middle of the road with two people inside the car, the two people are critically injured and the car is badly damaged.

The ambulance arrives, but it is going too fast and crashes into the damaged car. The car blows up and causes the ambulance to flip on its side.

A passer-by, while walking on the sidewalk is toppled, by the force of the explosion, into the river beside the road. Unfortunately he cannot swim and is drowning in the river.

Another man runs out of a house screaming, and shouts that his wife is pregnant and about to have her baby any second now."

"What would you do in this situation?", the interviewer asked.

The recruit looks around the office and thinks for a while...

He replies, "I'd take off my uniform and act like I am part of the crowd!"

Lakers Fan:

A Kindergarten teacher tells her class she's a BIG Lakers fan. She's really excited about it and asks the kids if they're Lakers fans too.

Everyone wants to impress the teacher and says they're Lakers fans too, except ONE kid, ...named Josh.

The teacher looks at Josh and says, "Josh, you're not a Lakers fan?"

He says, "Nope, Im a Sacrmento Kings fan!" She says, "Well why are you a Sacrmento Kings fan and not a Lakers fan?"

Josh says, "Well, my mom is a Sacrmento Kings fan, and my dad is a Sacrmento Kings fan, so I'm a Sacrmento Kings fan."

The teacher's not real happy. She's a little hot under the collar. She says, "Well, if your moms an idiot, and your dads a moron, then what would you be?!"

Josh says, "Then I'd be a Laker fan!"

Scared The Hell Outta Me:

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

I'm Gonna Get Lucky:


A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the night"."We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree.He begins the prayer, but continues praying with his head down for several minutes after everyone starts eating.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father was a pharmacist."

While Cleaning Father's Room:

Three nuns were talking one sunny day in June.

The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked."Well, of course I threw them in the trash," she replied.

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"

"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.

"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.

The third nun fainted.

Help With The Report:

The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.

"Need some help?" a secretary, walking by, asked.

"Yes," he replied, "how does this thing work?"

"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.

"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"

Who Died The Worst Death:

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon to check to see if I could catch her in the act.

When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there.

The last place I looked was out on the balcony. I found the jerk hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall.

So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the idiot.

He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed on top of the guy and killed him.

Then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge.

Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this maniac came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands.

I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp!

I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this, you're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."

Where's The Lion ? :

A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast.

For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion.

In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain.

There was no sign of the lion."What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion?" asked the chief.

"Forget the damn lion!" he howled. "Which one of you idiots let the bull loose?"

You Know You Are Living In 2006 When ...:

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of four.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work, you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for five different companies.

10. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

11. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

12. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

13. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

14. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

15. You start tilting your head sideways to smile... :)

16. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

17. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

18. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

19. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING @ YOURSELF.

Peep And You'd Turn Into Stone:


One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long.

The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend.

Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away.

The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

Texan's Challenge:

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

Married Three Times:

"I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull."

"That's a shame." said his friend, "How did it happen?"

"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms!"

In For A Close Shave:

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

Eve Must Have Said That:

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary, and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior," but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue, and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary, and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pencil.

This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

Signs You Don't See Everyday II:

God's Work Has Improved:

A little girl climbed into her grandfather's lap and studied his white, balding head. She ran her fingers along the deep wrinkles and road mapped his face and neck.

"Did god make you?” she asked.

"Yes" he answered.

"Did god make me, to?" she wondered.

"Yes", he replied.

"Well”, she shrugged, "Don't you think he's doing a better job now than he used to?"

Last Name Only:

A manager (a lady) of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into her office.

"What's your name?" was the first thing she asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

She scowled, "Look!!! I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked in before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ...that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we have got that straight, what's your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling... My name is John Darling."

After a few moments the manager broke the silence:

"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

A Kiss On Your Cheek:

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before!

All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Rest In Peace:


A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace".

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said:

"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,

"Congratulations on your new location."

You Said It Yourself:



Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office.

"What is the meaning of this?" the director asked.

"When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."

"Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

Why We'll Never Understand Each Other:

Almost Caught:



These two construction workers always noticed that their boss always left early on Fridays. So one asked the other that if the boss left early next Friday if he would want to also. The other man agreed.

Sure enough, when Friday came, the boss left early. Therefore, the two men left also. The one offered the other to join him down at the bar, but he decided to just head on home.

When he arrived home, he heard a noise from up stairs. When he reached the top of the stairs, he noticed that the noise was coming from the bedroom. He opened the door and saw his boss sleeping with his wife, so he quietly closed the door and headed back down the stairs and out the front door.

He made his way down to the bar to see if his friend was still there and he was.

His friend asked, "I thought you were headed home?"

The man replied, "I did, but this is the last time I ever leave work early again."

His friend asked, "Why's that?"

The man replied, "I almost got caught by the boss."

Frog Jump Analysis:


A biologist was interested in studying how far bullfrogs can jump. He brought a bullfrog into his laboratory, set it down, and commanded, "Jump, frog, jump!"

The frog jumped across the room.

The biologist measured the distance, then noted in his journal, "Frog with four legs jumped eight feet."

Then he cut the frog's front legs off. Again he ordered, "Jump, frog, jump!"The frog struggled a moment, then jumped a few feet.After measuring the distance, the biologist noted in his journal, "Frog with two legs jumped three feet."

Next, the biologist cut off the frog's back legs. Once more, he shouted, "Jump, frog, jump!"

The frog just lay there.

"Jump, frog, jump!" the biologist repeated.

Nothing.The biologist noted in his journal, "Frog with no legs - lost its hearing."

How Was I Born?:


A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, "How was I born?"

"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish mother, "the stork brought you to us."

"Oh," said the boy, "and how did you and daddy get born?"

"Oh, the stork brought us too."

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" the boy persisted.

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the mother, by now starting to squirm a little.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:

"This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

The Lord Does It For Me:

An 80 year old man went for his annual check-up and the Doctor said, "Friend, for your age, you're in the best shape I've seen."

The old fella replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. I know for sure that I live a good, clean, spiritual life."

The Doctor asks him, "What makes you say that?"

The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life, the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom lights on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night."

The Doc was concerned, "You mean, when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord himself turns the light on for you?"

"Yep," the old man said, "whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me."

Well, the Doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check-up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape, but I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."

"He What?” She cried.

"He said that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."

"AHA!!" She exclaimed, "So he's the one who's been peeing in the fridge!"

Better Deal:



During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows.

When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:

"Will you promise to obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

Baby Without Ears:

Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would be grounded for the rest of the month.

Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."

Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes." "Can he see?" asked Little Johnny.

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful. The Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be screwed if he needed glasses!"

"Look What Computers Have Done To Us" Part II:

NASA Findings:




When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.

To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Truly A Kind Man:


A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

Just To Make Sure:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line.

He says: “OK, now what?"

Sherlock Holmes And Dr. Watson:



Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

18:54 Vs 54:18 Ratio:

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

“Dear Wife:

You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I’ll be home before midnight.

–Your Husband”

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

“Dear Husband:

You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don’t wait up.

— Your Wife."

Top 10 Most Stupid Questions In Obvious Situations:

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends…

Stupid Question: Hey, what are you doing here?

Answer: Don’t you know, I sell tickets in black over here…


2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet…

Stupid Question: Sorry, did that hurt?

Answer: No, not at all, I’m on local anesthesia…..why don’t you try again.


3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people asks…

Stupid Question: Why, why him, of all people.

Answer: Why? Would it rather have been you?


4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter...

Stupid Question: Is this dish good?

Answer: No, it’s terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit in it.


5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...

Stupid Question: God!!! you’ve become so big.

Answer: Well you haven’t particularly shrunk yourself.


6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask…

Stupid Question: Is the guy you’re marrying good?

Answer: No, he’s a miserable wife-beating insensitive lout…it’s just the money.


7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call…

Stupid Question: Sorry. were you sleeping?

Answer: No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping…. You dumb witted moron.


8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair…

Stupid Question: Hey have you had a haircut?

Answer: No, its autumn and I’m shedding...


9. At the dentist when he’s sticking pointed objects in your mouth…

Stupid Question: Tell me if it hurts?

Answer: No it wont. It will just bleed.


10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your office asks…

Stupid Question: Oh, so you smoke.

Answer: Gosh, it’s a miracle …………it was a piece of chalk and now it’s in flames!!!

Preacher's Ass:



A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!

The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER’S ASS SHOWS.

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.

The paper read: PREACHER’S ASS OUT IN FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.

The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER’S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.

The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go.

Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

George Of The Bush:

George Bush was frantically searching high and low, all over the living room.

Laura worriedly asks, “What’s wrong hon! Have you lost something?”

George Bush: “Nope, I am looking for Hidden Cams!”

Laura Responds, “And what makes you think there are hidden cameras here?”

George Bush: “Or else, every few minutes, how is that guy in the television saying... “You are watching CNN… How the hell he knows what I am watching?”

The Hunter Theory :

A 90 years old Man goes to a Doctor, “My wife is 19 years old and she is pregnant, what would be your opinion?”

The Doc replies, “Let me tell you a story. A hunter in a hurry took an umbrella instead of his gun. He sees the lion and points the umbrella at the beast... “Bang!” “Bang!” and the lion drops dead.

To which the man says, “That’s impossible, someone else must have shot the lion.”

Doctor, “Exactly! Now you understand.”

Signs You Don't See Everyday:

Is There A Way?:


A man to a doctor, "Is there any way for a long life?"

The Doc Replies, "Get married."

"Will it help?", asks the man.

Doctor, "No, but the thought of long life will never come to your mind again."


Posted by - Prabir Sarkar

Away From Home:

This guy approaches the Madam of a local whorehouse and says, “Madam, I’m ready to spend top dollar here, but I have some very specific requirements. Do you think you can meet them?”

To which the Madam replies, “Sir, you have come to the finest brothel in the area. Our Ladies are extremely skilled in pleasing a man in every way! Simply name your pleasure.”

“Great!” he says, “Now here’s what I want. I want a woman that doesn’t moan, or groan, or thrash around or even move at all. In fact, I want her to simply lie there like a cold, hard piece of wood.”

“Well!” she says, “I must say that is a very unusual request, but I simply don’t understand. We have the finest, most desirable and exciting women in the world here. Why would you make such a request?”

To which he replies, “Well, I’m a traveling salesman that’s been on the road for a while, but I’m not really horny, I’m just homesick!”

Look What Computers Have Done To Us:

How Old Am I:

A woman decides to have a face-lift, for her birthday. She spends $5000, and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news-stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”

“About 32,” is the reply.

“Nope! I’m exactly 47,” the woman says happily.

A little while later, she goes into McDonald’s, and asks the counter girl, the very same question.

The girl replies, “I guess about 29.”

The woman replies, “Nope, I’m 47.”

Now she’s feeling really good, about herself. She stops in a drugstore, on her way down the street. She! goes up to the counter, to get some mints, and asks the clerk, this burning question.

The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say 30.”

Again she proudly responds, “I am 47, but thank you.”

While waiting, for the bus to go home, she asks an old man, waiting next to her, the same question.

He replies, “Lady, I’m 78, and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way, to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you, to let me, put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”

They wait in silence on the empty street, until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, “What the heck, go ahead.”

He slips both of his hands, under her blouse, and under her bra, and begins to feel around, very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast. He gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together, and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, “Okay, okay, how old am I?”

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands and says, “Madam, you are 47.”

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?”

The old man replies, “Promise you won’t get mad?”

“I promise I won’t.” she says.
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He replies, “I was behind you in line at McDonald’s.”

Hot Dogs:

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that
the people of this country actually eat dogs.”

“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the
Americans do.”

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk
towards the cart. “Two dogs, please,” says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps
both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.

Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their ‘dogs’.

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for
a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, “What part did you get?”

Animal Crackers II: