Celebs - As Funny As They Can Get III:

David Letterman

"New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move."

Jon Stewart

"Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving. That's a good thing. He's getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on."

George Burns

"Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made."

Groucho Marx

"I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for member."

Steven Wright

"I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked "Do you have any firearms with you?"
I said: "What do you need?""

Rodney Dangerfield

"I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy " I tell him I want a second opinion.He says, ‘Okay, you're ugly too!""

Brian Kiley

"My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters."

Laura Kightlinger

"I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead."

Paul Rodriguez

"My father heard the story of the Menendez brothers. He quit playing the lottery. He said ‘Screw it, I’ve got twelve kids. Any one of them could snap.""

Ronnie Shakes
"After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes..
He said, "No hablo ingles.""

Bill Maher

"I believe Dr. Kevorkian is onto something. I think he’s great. Because suicide is our way of saying to God, "You can’t fire me. I quit.""

And the Best of All...

Paula Poundstone

"The guy who shot Robert Kennedy, Sirhan Sirhan, goes up for parole every year. Once he even told the parole board that if Kennedy was alive today, he would speak in his favor and say let him go. What a tough break, you know? The one guy who would have supported him, and he shot him."