Celebs - As Funny As They Can Get II:
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1. Jerry Seinfeld

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"TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all
over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem."

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2. Steven Wright

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"I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could
drive."
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3. Redd Foxx

"I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re
going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why."

4. A. Whitney Brown

"China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if
you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others
exactly like you."

5. Dick Gregory

"Last time I was down South, I was in a restaurant and ordered some chicken,
and these three cousins, you know the ones I mean, Klu, Kluck and Klan, come
up and say "Boy, we’re givin’ you fair warnin’. Anything you do to that
chicken, we’re gonna do to you." So I put down my knife and fork, and I picked
up that chicken, and I kissed it."

6. Jack Handey

"I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they
don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when
somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was that?!""

7. Bill Braudis

"I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" "I
said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio…""

8. David Brenner

"I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks
‘Are you reading that?" I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up,
turned the page, and sat down again."

9. Ellen Degeneres

"Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them
wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their
antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when
they were shot."

10. Johnny Carson

"Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing
themselves."

And last but not the least...

11. Bill Dwyer

"My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's
just a waiting game."